


Adorn

by MystWords



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-03-21 21:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MystWords/pseuds/MystWords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on how Karma is feeling after the season 2A finale. Slight AU. Karmy is endgame. Also on FF.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How Do I Breathe?

**Chapter 1: How Do I Breathe? – Mario**

_’How do I breathe?_

_Without you here by my side?_

_How will I see?_

_When your love brought me to the light?_

_Where do I go?_

_When your heart's where I lay my head?_

_When you're not with me,_

_How do I breathe?_

_How do I breathe? **’**_

 

You climb up off of Liam, frown in place.

You can’t do this. You dreamed of kissing _her_ whilst here with _him._ You look down at him and want to cry. You look down and your heart doesn’t speed up, your palms don’t get sweaty. If anything, they itch to beat and pull and destroy every feeling inside of you.

He isn’t what you want. You can’t try anymore.

You couldn’t have tried harder but he is just not her and you know it.

Goosebumps appear on your skin and you get dressed as quick as you can. You don’t want Liam to wake up. You don’t want him to think everything’s okay. This was your thank you to him. This was your way of forgetting that she’s with Reagan right now. She’s with Reagan right now, probably touching and kissing and making love to her and not you.

You swallow down the lump in your throat and shake your head as if that could banish the images invading your consciousness.

It doesn’t work.

You run.

You run and find your way home and to your bed where you pull your clothes off, burrow under the blankets and imagine your mind is as empty as the darkness of this night.

It doesn’t work.

Your lungs burn like petals set on fire and you wish _you_ could turn to ash and float away. The urge to destroy comes back and so you beat and scratch and cut at your chest, as if that could stop your heart from beating for _her._

You cry.

You miss her. You miss home.

_“I’ve been in love with you since the day we met.”_

And you have, too. You remember meeting her, seeing her in Kindergarten for the first time. It wasn’t until later that you noticed how pretty, how kind, how caring she was. All you remember about that first meeting with her is feeling home, feeling safe, feeling happy.

That’s how you know. That’s how you know that she’s your soul mate and Liam is not.

But you messed everything up and now she’s with somebody else.

Your chest stings and burns and you like the feeling, you like it so much because now, now it’s your turn to hurt instead of her _._ Even though she betrayed you, she broke your trust, you just want her to stop hurting. That’s why you forgave her. That and the fact living without her is unacceptable.

She’s your soul mate and you can’t keep punishing her for your feelings.

You taste the saltiness of tears on your lips, your throat feels raw from being forced into silence, your head feels too full. You search for the photo of you and her, the one you took from your mirror and kept in your dresser draw and smile once you glimpse at it.

You crawl back under your blanket and stare at it, stare until your vision begins to dim and the fog in your head begins to lift, until unconsciousness becomes your friend as the sun begins to rise.

—

The sun blinds you when you wake. You feel something akin to a hangover, even though you haven’t drunk alcohol in a while. You place the photo on the side and grab your phone to check the time.

12:43pm.

You never sleep this late. The urge to move and just do something is usually consuming you but not today. Today you lie there and stare at the ceiling, feeling drained.

You don’t know if you like it or not. You’re swinging from one extreme to other too fast. You’re numb and yet you feel everything. You are a pendulum and no matter which way you swing, you’re being pulled in the other direction.

Liam. Amy.

The world. Your parents.

Acceptance. Love.

You don’t know how long you lie there but you know the sound of her in your house. You know the sound of each footstep, each note of her voice that greets your parents, each knock on the door as she alerts you to her presence.

“Hi,” she says and you feel silent, you feel home even though your heart is beating double time.

“Hi.” Your throat burns. That isn’t what it wants to say. It wants to tell her you love her, you need her, you’re hers but you can’t do that. You can’t let her know how much power she has to destroy you. You can’t let yourself hurt her anymore. That’s why you always chose Liam. It doesn’t matter if you hurt him.

She looks down, catching sight of the scratch marks, the blood that litters your chest. You try to hide it but you know she has seen it. She frowns and swallows down the tears building in her eyes.

Her eyes. You love them. They’re so pretty, so vivid, so perfect…like her.

“What-what? Why do you have?” She shakes her head. “Karma, what happened?” She walks over and sits next to you on the edge of the bed. You look down but she reaches out for you and forces you to look at her.

“Nothing.”

“That doesn’t look like nothing,” she says, pointing at your marred skin. “Who did it? It wasn’t Liam, was it? I’ll fucking kill him.”

“It’s nothing. I promise. Nobody hurt me.” You look her in the eyes. “I promise, nobody did this to me, okay?” She nods. “So, how was your camping trip?” You smile.

“It was fine.” She shrugs. “Are you okay? Are we-are we okay?” You always thought she looked cute with the crease in her brow but now you feel bad, feel bad that you can’t confide in your best friend anymore.

“Of course. C’mere.” You hug her close and feel so, so relaxed. “I’m okay, I promise. You’re here, what could be wrong?”

She hugs you back, so tight and you revel in how she brings you close.

You both lie on the bed for a while, arms still wrapped around each other until her phone goes off. She replies but before long, she receives another text which causes her to frown.

“What’s up?”

“I was supposed to meet up with Reagan but I cancelled and she’s pissed.” She shrugs, tucking the phone back into her pocket. You push her away and feel the burn back in your throat.

“You should go.”

“No, I want to spend some time with you.”

“No. Go spend some time with Reagan and make up with her. You can spend time with me whenever, I’m always here.” She smiles at you and want to cry.

“Are you sure?” She rests her forehead on yours. You tuck her hair behind her ear before nodding.

“I’m sure. But I want to spend time with you soon. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. Hey, how about tomorrow after school, we have a movie night. Just us.”

“Sounds perfect.” You smile and kiss her cheek. “Now off with you.”

“Okay. Love you.” She gives you one last hug.

“I love you.”

She leaves.

You cry. You cry until your eyes sting and your lungs burn and your body shuts down. And you sleep peacefully, deeply until the next day. The next day when your stomach feels like it’s going to turn itself inside out with hunger, and your skin feels sore and fragile and everything just hurts.

You spend the day hiding. Hiding your scratches, hiding your sheets that have drops of blood on them, hiding yourself from everyone but her when she arrives.

Then you smile.

She sits next to you and you both sit staring into the box she brought with her. You can’t wait to put everything back where it belongs. Your room felt empty without her presence to comfort you.

The days without her in your life, the days you spent ignoring her were truly the worst of your life. How could you ever function without your soul mate by your side? You wonder if you ever will be able to cope with losing her.

She reaches out and hugs you and you don’t want her to stop. Everything feels okay, everything feels safe when it’s just you two together but you know it can’t last. That’s why you pull away and begin filling the empty spaces with objects that remind you of her.

“Thanks for bringing this stuff back, Princess.” You catch sight of her smirk and smile.

“You’re welcome, Captain. Now, c’mon, let’s watch a movie. You can pick.” She taps the space next to her and winks at you. You smile. She almost always lets you pick and so you always decide but today, today can, today will be different.

“No.” She frowns. “Why don’t you pick the movie and I’ll go get some snacks? You know where the laptop is and the password,” you say, turning to walk out the room. “We can watch a documentary or something if you like.”

“Okay. You sure?”

“Yup. Now hurry, you take so long to pick something.”

“You lie.”

“Mhmm, we’ll soon see when I get back, won’t we?” She looks endearingly at you and you feel your heart melt more and more when you’re around her.

It doesn’t take you long to find everything and carry it upstairs. You’re standing in your door way, smiling.

You always found it adorable how her tongue poked out when she’s deep in concentration. You lean against the door frame, popcorn in hand, watching for a few moments and soaking her in.

“Karma. Come help pick a movie.” You wonder how she always knew when you entered a room, even without looking at you.

“I knew it.” She glares at you for a moment before a smile breaks through. “The first one you look at…now.” She groans.

“Twilight it is.” You laugh and walk over, lying down on your front next to Amy.

“Well, how about we just watch one of the Scooby Doo movies?” You nudge her shoulder. “I know they’re your favourite.”

“Only because of you, stupid.”

“Me? I thought it was Velma that did it for you.”

“Ha-ha. Go and get the movie, short stuff.”

“Hey, I’m not short.” You go and find the DVD. She watches you and you like how easy this is. There’s no tears, no anger, just your friendship. The best thing you have and the one thing you can’t lose.

You head towards the bed and crawl towards Amy when you see her sigh. You frown as you watch her turn off her phone.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.” You raise an eyebrow at her. “It really is nothing. And besides, tonight’s just about us. Karma and Amy, right?”

“Right.” You look sceptically at her.

“Exactly. So nothing else matters besides us eating this popcorn and watching Scooby Doo.” You want to see her smile and not look so down.

“Scooby-doobi-doo.” You do the obligatory bad impression and feel lighter as soon as you hear her laugh. She pinches your cheeks.

“So cute.”

“Mhmm, move it or lose it, Princess.” You push her over so you can lie next to her. “And hey, I’m not cute, I’m sexy.” She smirks.

“I am sexy, aren’t I?” She cheekily shimmies for you and push her shoulder. She falls to the side and brings you down with her. Half of you leans on her back and you rest your head on her shoulder. “Comfy?” You nod your head. “Good.” You don’t want to ruin the moment with words so you just watch the movie and feel her beneath you, laughing and happy.

Before you know it, the movie is over, the stomach pains from laughing so hard have gone and Amy is lying next to you, getting ready to fall asleep.

“You okay?” she quietly asks. You breathe in her scent. You cuddle into the jumper she let you steal and move closer, placing an arm on her waist. You love this jumper. It’s green just like her eyes and she just looks so good in it.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you? Something was bothering you earlier.” You frown into the darkness and your voice rises at the end with curiosity.

“I’m fine, it’s nothing.”

“Amy.” You sigh.

“Nope. Unless you tell me what the nothing that happened yesterday was about, I’m not going to tell you what my nothing is about.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Maybe but I’m worried. I love you, I just want to know what happened. Those scratches didn’t get there by themselves.”

“I just-I just fell, y’know.” She scoffs and pulls you close.

“We’ve known each other forever. We both know you’re lying.”

“Okay. I’ll tell you what happened but you have to promise not to ask why, yet.”

“Why?”

“Please. There’s just some stuff I can’t tell you, yet. One day I will, I promise but just not yet, okay?”

“Okay.” You rest your head on her chest.

“I was just hurt and angry and stuff.” You begin tracing shapes on her hip and focus solely on that. “I did it to myself but it’s okay, it doesn’t really hurt and they’ll go away soon.” She’s silent for a little while but when she speaks you know, you know she’s sad by the huskiness in her voice and the way she grips you tighter. She pulls you so close, there’s no room between you.

“Karma, it’s never okay that you’ve hurt yourself like that. It won’t ever be okay that you hurt yourself. I know you can’t tell me why, yet but can I do anything to fix it? Can I make whatever’s bothering you better? Oh, God. It’s not because of me, is it? Because of what me and Liam did?” Her body tenses and she begins to speak fast. “I’m sorry, I’m so—”

“Amy, no,” you shout loud enough to stop her talking and lean up to look at her in the dark. “No. This wasn’t your fault. At. All. Not one bit, y’hear me? And you are fixing it. Right now, you’re making everything better, you’re making me better.”

“Are you sure? Are you sure there’s nothing else I can—”

“No.”

“Okay. But you promise it’s okay now? And you promise if you need me, you’ll say?”

“I promise and hey, you.” You lightly tap her nose. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten there’s something bothering you.”

“It’s just Reagan.” You feel her shrug. “Sometimes she gets jealous when I hang out with you.” You frown. You know this is partly your fault. You shouldn’t have caused trouble at the dinner that night. None of what happened was Reagan’s fault but you couldn’t help it. You were so jealous that she got to spend time with your Amy. Your Amy that isn’t really yours but you’ve never been able to accept that. Now you’re trying, though. Now you’re going to learn for Amy’s sake, for her happiness.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“It kinda is.”

“Well, maybe a little bit but you’re my best friend. I’m going to spend time with you no matter what.”

“I know. Maybe, um, maybe we should all meet up or something and I can apologise and she can see there’s nothing to worry about?”

“Maybe. She kinda has to get it over it though. I can’t and I won’t lose you.”

“I know. I can’t lose you, either, my princess.” You cuddle in close to her and smile. No matter what, you can’t lose each other.

And even though there words are lodged in your throat, you can’t never spit them out and tell her. You can’t risk it. You need to have your best friend in your life forever.

You rest your head on her chest and fall asleep with a smile.

You wake up smiling, too. Amy has always cuddled you in her sleep and this morning, you wake up spooning each other. For a brief moment, you wonder if best friends actually do this but then decide it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how others are because this is how you guys are.

“Morning, Sunshine,” she says. The sleep filled husk to her voice sends shivers down your spine and creates goosebumps on your skin. “Did you sleep well?” Her arms tighten slightly around your waist.

“Yup. Did you?”

“Slept great. Like, seriously, your bed is so much more comfortable than mine.” You laugh at the predictability of her. She says this every time.

“Well, time to get up for school, Princess, so c’mon.” She groans and cocoons herself within the blankets. You get up and stand by the bed, hands on your hips.

“Karma, I was comfy.” You smirk.

“C’mon, love. It’s time to get up.” You shake her a little and pull away the covers.

“Okay, okay. Fine.” She pouts. “You’re so lucky I love you.” She heads to your door.

“Where’re you going?”

“To shower. You woke me up, I get the shower first.”

“But Amy,” you groan. She runs off before you can say anymore and you groan again. “You’re really lucky I love you,” you shout and hear her laugh in response as the shower turns on.  


	2. Rather Be

**Chapter 2: Rather Be – Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne**

_‘We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace_

_Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete_

_It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity_

_As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be’_

You’re fine, you’re content all day until you see them outside at lunch. You see Amy and Reagan kissing and smiling and happy and holding each other like you want to hold Amy. Your chest feels like a chipped window pane now fracturing under the pressure.

You run. You’ve always been good at that so you do it again. You run until you’re safe, locked in a bathroom stall and crying so much your sobs can’t keep up.

She’s moved on.

You sit there until no more tears come, until the bell for class has been and gone, until your body aches from sitting still so long. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror once you move to wash away the tears and wish that it would shatter, too. The red rings around your eyes, the blotchy skin gives you away and make you feel as ugly as you’ve ever felt.

No wonder Amy could move on so quickly. No wonder Liam hasn’t even bothered with you. You turn away from the mirror in disgust and blindly walk down the corridor until you bump into someone.

He holds your arms and steadies you.

“H-Hey,” he stutters and adjusts his glasses. You notice him freeze when he gets a clear look at you. “Are you okay?” You feel the tears come again and look down. Your body shakes and you only remain standing because of Oliver’s grip on you. “Hey, hey, c’mon, let’s sit down.” He helps lower you down so you’re both sitting side by side against the lockers.

You don’t care if you get caught, you don’t care about anything except for the fact that it hurts. It hurts so much. You whimper and he puts an arm around you.

“Hey, it’ll be okay. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.” You rest your head on his shoulder.

“I-I’m sorry.” You hiccup. “I just-I mean—” You bury your head in his chest and cry. He wraps an arm around you and pulls you close.

“C’mon, let’s go somewhere, somewhere we can talk or something, okay?” You nod your head in agreement and he keeps an arm around you waist and guides you to wherever you’re going.

It’s silent until you arrive.

“And all I had to do was get all the serial numbers for the locks, call the manufacturer and pretend to be the janitor. They sent me all the keys to the locks and here I am,” he says as he swings open the door to the security camera room. You’re impressed by his intelligence. You know Amy would think he was cool for it. “It was-it was pretty easy.” He sits down and doesn’t look at you for long. In fact, he looks anywhere but at you. “I know it’s pretty weird but, y’know?” He shrugs. “I just wanted to see what I’m supposed to be like.”

“No…No, I get it, kinda.” Your voice is hoarse and you wipe your face, trying to remove the tear tracks. You’re glad you wear waterproof mascara.

“Yeah.” He drags the word out and you can tell by his excessive fidgeting that he’s nervous. “So, are you okay? Do you-do you want to talk about it? Or movies? We can watch movies or TV shows or something? I-I’m sorry. I’m a little…awkward.” He shrugs and you find the way he keeps adjusting his glasses endearing. You wipe your face one last time.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Can we just not talk about it?”

“Oh, of course, of course. So, movie?”

“Sure.”

“What do you want to watch?”

“What you got?”

“Whatever you want. I, er, I mean I can get whatever movie you want to watch up and we can-we can just…watch it?” He vaguely swipes his hand in the direction of a laptop, his you assume. It takes you a few minutes to decide on a movie.

“Twilight.” He looks at you for a moment and you frown. What did you do?

“Twilight? Oh, okay. Twilight it is. Just give me a moment.” He loads up his computer and you watch as he types faster than you’ve ever seen someone type before. “And there you go,” he says, tapping one last button.

You lose yourself in the movie. The hopeless romantic in you can’t help it. Oliver sits and watches it for the most part, silently with you. He scoffs, just like Amy at all the parts you find cute and sweet. You can’t help but notice how alike and yet how different they are. Oliver hasn’t even said much. He’s just fidgeted and sat rigid next to you the whole time.

“Do you want me to go?” you ask as the movie ends. You’re feeling better and you know how nervous and awkward he is. Your heart still hurts but you’ve got to move on, like Jacob, you have to move on. He looks at you for a few seconds before looking just behind your head and occasionally catching your eyes.

“You don’t have to. I mean, if you’re not ready to go back, we can hang out or something? It’s really, kinda up to you, y’know?” He shrugs again.

“Thanks, Oliver. I really appreciate-I mean, just thank you.” You look down for a few moments trying to formulate the right words. “You didn’t have to do this but thank you for looking out for me.”

“It’s okay. I mean, Amy’s pretty cool and you’re her best friend so you must be pretty cool as well.” You smile comes out as a grimace. From now on, you’ll be her best friend, the greatest friend you can be but that’s all.

“She’s amazing,” you say. He bops his head in agreement and you wonder if maybe he feels a little like you do right now. “So what do you do for fun?”

“Break into security camera rooms for anthropological research and watch a lot of documentaries.” You see his shoulders visibly relax and smile. Maybe you could be friends. “You?” he says after too much silence.

“That’s pretty interesting. I like music.”

“I noticed.”

“Yeah, and I like to watch movies and other teenage girly stuff that you probably don’t like.”

“Oh. That’s-that’s cool.” The fond look that passes over your face isn’t lost on him. He frowns.

“It’s not really but thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

—

Oliver is around a lot more than you ever noticed before. You wonder if he’s just checking up on you or if you really were that unobservant before. You assume it was the latter. You know how self-absorbed you can be.

He finds you a few days later, not far from the lockers you crashed into him in front of, quietly staring off into space when you should be in class. You wonder if he was going to class or just doing ‘research’. You kind of like knowing he’s watching. He’s a good guy. Shy and awkward but he cared for you when he didn’t have to.

“Hey,” he says, walking over to you. “If you need a shoulder, I’ve got two. Or not if you want me to go away, just say. That’s fine but if you need me.” He stops talking when you walk over and place your forehead on his shoulder.

“I love her, I love her so much,” you whisper and the world gets lifted off of your shoulders. It’s so liberating to finally say it to someone and you know Oliver doesn’t really understand what’s going on but he’s there. He’s there awkwardly placing a hand on your back and begins patting you.

“And that’s bad?” You nod against his shoulder in response. “How can loving anyone be bad?”

“Because she’s my best friend and she’s with someone else.” You can’t voice these confessions in anything but a whisper.

“Ah. I see. But you love her as more than a friend.” You nod. “Have you told her?”

“I can’t.” You lean away and stand face to face with him.

“Why?”

“I messed up and I just can’t.” You shrug and don’t even cry anymore. Everything but heartache has left. “We’ve hardly spoken the past few days, anyway.” Agitation creeps into your voice. “She’s too busy.”

“Have you messaged her?” You shake your head.

“No.”

“Why? If you want to speak to her, why not contact her?”

“I just.” You shrug. “I just don’t want her to get in trouble and I don’t know what to say, anymore.”

“Trouble?” He frowns but the look you give him makes him change topic. “Want to get out of here?” he says. You nod in the affirmative and find yourself watching movies with Oliver once again in the security camera room. You like it here, with Oliver. He doesn’t expect anything from you and you don’t have to do or be anything at all.

And little things about him are just like her, just like your princess.

“So, I’ve got this friend,” he says just as you’re getting ready to leave. “She’s a musician, too and I play a little piano, myself. I thought maybe, only if you want to, of course. Maybe tomorrow night or something, we can jam and just play some music? I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I just thought that might be nice-that might be good for you and she’ll like you and it beats just being two of us.” He cleans his glasses on his jumper before placing them back on.

“That sounds…that sounds pretty awesome, Ol. Thanks for inviting me. I’ll be there.” You smile and note the slight blush on his face as he smiles back.

“You’re, er, you’re welcome.” You exchange numbers. He smiles again and you throw a wave in his direction as you leave.

It’s good to have someone you can talk to but won’t push you. It’s good to have someone that it’s just so easy, so simple to be around because you’re truly just friends. Well, maybe not friends yet but you’re close to it.

You send a text thanking him again.

—

You have so much fun just playing around with your guitar and voice. The music sings to you just as much as you sing to it.

Caitlyn and Oliver have been keeping you distracted, too, goofing around and you’ve never seen Oliver so comfortable. Maybe Caitlyn is his Amy. You smile as you watch them both, now, pushing and shoving each other like they’re 8. Oliver falls off his seat and his glasses fall off. You and Caitlyn laugh.

“My glasses. I can’t see without my glasses.” You double over with laughter.

“Jinkies. What will you do?” Caitlyn says, handing them back to Oliver. He rolls his eyes and smiles at you both.

“Nice to see you’re both so good to me.”

“Aw, Ol. We’re nice but even you must admit that was funny,” you say, pinching one of his cheeks. “Our little Velma.” He pushes you, gently away.

“Shut up and get playing.”

It’s late before you leave and you think tonight, you’ll be able to sleep easy for one night, at least.

Caitlyn and Oliver welcomed you so easily into their friendship. You know how music has been their thing with each other for so long but they didn’t mind you interrupting that, if only for a day.

Once home, you text Oliver and Caitlyn, letting them both know you’re home safe like they asked you to do and giving your thanks, once again.

You’re trying so hard to move on, to build a space separate from Amy like she’s doing with Reagan and they’re making it so easy for you.

You smile for the first time in a while as you greet your parents before heading off to bed.

Today has been a good day.

—

You’re walking with Oliver to class.

“So, how about a jam session, tonight?” he asks. You’re surprised and he notices. “What?”

“I just thought it was a onetime thing, y’know? Just to make me feel better.”

“Well, it kind of was.” He shrugs and scratches the back of his head. “But it was pretty cool, all three of us and Caitlyn really likes you. She, er, she actually text me to ask.” He shrugs again. “So, what do you think?”

“Yeah.” You nod your head and smile. “Yeah, I can make it. It was pretty awesome playing with you guys.” You purposefully bump into him. “I can’t get over how good you are at the piano and Caitlyn is an amazing guitarist.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty amazing,” he mumbles. You note a light blush and smile even more.

“She is.” You’ll resist teasing him for today. You’ve noticed the affection, the looks that pass between them.

You spot Amy looking at you from a distance. You shrug it off and try to ignore the way you react to her, the way every sense is focused on her, the way you know exactly when she walks over because you just cannot help but to notice everything about her.

You love how form fitting her top is, the way it accentuates the curves and dips she usually likes to keep hidden. And God what you wouldn’t do to run your hands through her hair and across her skin. But you can’t. So you shake the thoughts from your head and smile when she reaches you both.

“Hey, Amy,” Oliver says.

“Hey guys.” She awkwardly waves and you can’t help the fond look that passes over your face, the way everything in you relaxes a little bit. You never noticed just how free she makes you feel. “How’s it going?”

“I’m just walking Karma to class.” She looks between you both and frowns, quickly, but long enough for you to notice. Her lips harden and you wonder what’s wrong.

“Oh, that’s cool.”

“Yeah.” You shrug. “We’ve just been hanging out lately.”

“Ah, okay. So, anyways, I was thinking, we don’t spend much time together lately so how about a movie night, tonight?” She smiles at you and bounces, lightly on her tip toes in excitement as she grabs your hands. “A girl’s night, like old times.” Now it’s your turn to frown as you look between Amy and Oliver. Her excitement dies down and she lets go of your hands. “Or not, if you don’t want to?”

“Aims, it’s not that, it’s just I’ve made plans now.”

“N-No. It’s okay. We can re-schedule and you can spend the night with Amy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. We can hang out, some other time, right?”

“Right. Tell Caitlyn, I’m sorry, though.” The crease in Amy’s brow and the way she looks between you both, tells you she’s confused.

“I will. Don’t worry, Karms.” She freezes and stands rigid when she notices he called you that. “We can jam anytime.”

“You play for him?” The hard line of her mouth now dips down a little.

“Kinda.” You shrug. “We just play around and I never do originals but Ol and Caitlyn are pretty amazing musicians.” You reach for her hands and hold them. “Originals are just for you to hear, Princess.” She smiles at you.

“Oh, I didn’t know you wrote your own music.”

“Yeah but like I said, only Aims gets to hear those.” He smiles and laughs a little nervously.

“That’s nice.”

“Yup. So tonight, you’re coming over to mine? Or?”

“Yeah, I’ll come over to yours.” You hook your arm in hers and kiss her cheek.

“Cool. I’ll see you later, then. Text me, okay?” She nods.

The bell goes and you and Oliver head off to class.

“It really is okay for me to skip out on tonight, right?” He laughs.

“Of course, K. Amy’s you’re best friend and we really can all get together and play around anytime. It’s no big deal, just fun.”

“Okay.” You feel better after his reassurances. Even if it did bother Oliver, you would have still picked Amy but you’re glad it doesn’t.

—

You know something’s bothering Amy as soon as she enters your room. If her quietness didn’t give her away, then the way she wouldn’t look you in the eye and the down turn of her lips would have done.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” She sighs. “So you and Oliver, huh?” She flops down on your bed and buries her face in your covers.

“Yeah. Ol’s a pretty cool guy when you get to know him.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess he is,” she mumbles and it takes you a few moments to figure out what she said.

It’s silent for too long as you try and figure out what’s really bothering her. You know her too well. She always hides herself from you when she doesn’t want to talk.

“What’s up, Aims?” She sits up and brings her knees to her chest.

“You two look close.”

“We aren’t really. We’re just friends, y’know?”

“Just friends?”

“Just friends.” You nod your head decisively, once for emphasis. “I realised after the whole Liam thing that I need more friends. And besides, I can’t keep taking up all your time. I have to share you now with Reagan so…yeah. Me and Oliver are friends.”

“Oh, but you know,” she says, tracing patterns on your blanket. “You know all you have to do is say and I’ll be here.” So that’s it. You move closer and hug her.

“I know, Aims, I know. But I don’t want to get in the way of your relationship, that’s why I don’t text. You know I’d spend all day, every day with you if I could.” You chuckle. “How could you forget? We’re soul mates, right?” She smirks.

“I didn’t forget, I thought you did.”

“Never.” You tackle her onto her back and begin tickling her. “Say you’re sorry, Princess.”

“No.”

“Ha. You’re going down.”

“Nope. I’ll never give in.”

“You will.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Mhmm.”

By the time she has tears in her eyes and is gasping for breath you smile in victory.

“Okay, okay. I give. I’m sorry. You win.”

“I always win. Muhahaha.”

“Karms, that laugh was terrible.”

“Yup. But it made you smile.”

“You always make me smile.”

“You always make me smile.” It goes silent, again but this time it’s comfortable. You’re climb off her and lay by her side, looking at the ceiling. “How’s-how’s Reagan?”

“She’s good.”

“Things are good between you two, right?”

“Yup.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, why don’t we do something Saturday and invite her? I can invite Oliver and Caitlyn and we can group hang.” You lean back and clap your hands in excitement. “It’ll be awesome.”

“I don’t know. I mean—”

“C’mon, Princess. It’ll be nice for us to all hangout, right? I mean, we’re best friends so we should meet and spend time with each other’s friends and girlfriends, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Okay.” You sit with you knees bent beneath you and shrug. “Well, you can ask I guess but if you really don’t want to come.” You shrug, again. “I won’t make you.” She gasps.

“Who are you and what have you done with my Karma?” You push her arm and join in her laughter.

“Shut up, idiot.”

“I’m your favourite idiot.”

“You’re my favourite everything.” You know you shouldn’t be saying all these things but you want her to know she’s loved, she’s needed, she matters. You won’t ever try to take her away from Reagan, not again. Not when you know she can make Amy happy in ways you can’t. “Love you.”

“Love you, too. Now let’s pick a movie.” She gets up and walks around your room like it’s her own.

You smile.

“I vote for the Notebook.” She groans and rolls her eyes but you know she likes it. You wouldn’t have chosen it if she didn’t.

“Fine but only because if not, you’d pick something worse.”

“Mhmm, that’s why. Keep telling yourself that, Princess.” She smirks.

“I will, shorty, I will.” You lie on your front as she sits on the edge of the bed and loads the movie on your laptop. Before you know it, the screen is in front of you and she’s jumped on top of you.

“Thanks for that, Aims.”

“You’re welcome.” She doesn’t get off you. She just adjusts herself so she’s comfortable and her arms are around your neck. She kisses your cheek. “My comfy little pillow.” You smile at her playfulness.

You’ve missed this.


	3. Looking In

**Chapter 3: Looking In – Mariah Carey**

_‘She smiles through a thousand tears_

_And harbours adolescent fears._

_She dreams of all_

_That she can never be._

_She wades in insecurity_

_And hides herself inside of me.’_

“Hey, Ol,” you say as you find him in the hall. “What’re you doing Saturday?” You both walk in the same direction, even though you don’t know the destination.

“Saturday? Erm, I think I’m going to a party with Cait.” He frowns in concentration for a few moments. “Yeah, this Saturday we’re going to a party.”

“Oh, okay.” You smile at him and wonder what you’ll do now.

“Why? You wanna come?”

“Oh. I just thought it’d be nice for us, Amy, Caitlyn and Reagan to hang out, y’know? But maybe we can do it another time or something?”

“Sure we can. Or-or you can all just join us?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Cait won’t mind, like I said, she likes you.” He shrugs. “And besides, we’re friends. I’ve got your back, Karma.” He wraps an arm around your shoulder and you wonder how much he knows.

“What?”

“I mean, you don’t want to be around Amy and her girlfriend alone, do you? I just thought it’d be easier if you join us and then you can just leave, whenever. I mean, if you don’t want that, it’s fine. You don’t have to come.”

“Oliver,” you say, getting his attention. “It’s fine, I appreciate the offer. I don’t want to be around them alone, no. So, Saturday is party time, hey?”

“Yup. Want me to come pick you up? I, er, I don’t really drink and somebody has to make sure Caitlyn’s home safe, y’know? I don’t mind looking out for you, too.” You smile and throw your arms around Oliver.

“You’re the sweetest.” He rolls his eyes and laughs lightly. You smile at the blush you notice staining his cheeks as he adjusts his glasses a little.

“You’re welcome.”

—

 

You thought the dreams had gone. That you were lucky to have peace of mind in sleep, what little you got of it but now you know you were wrong.

You see her above you, arms holding her body weight up off of you. Her breath on your skin sends shivers down your spine and goosebumps arise on your skin.

She kisses you. She kisses you everywhere and it’s torturous because she won’t touch.

“Not yet,” she whispers in response to your pleas. “Not yet.” And she just looks at you. Your laboured breathing fills the silence and you’re pretty sure your heartbeat is loud enough, strong enough for her to hear. “God, you’re so beautiful.” She chastely kisses you again. On your lips, your chest, your stomach, she kisses you and finally, finally begins to touch.

Your skin burns wherever her flesh comes into contact with yours. You scream in agony and your throat feels as though you’ve swallowed glass.

“Karma, wake up.”

You still see Amy above you, smiling as you wilt under her searing heat. Everything hurts, every nerve ending is sending pain through your body.

“Karma,” your mother’s voice screams again. You frown and wonder what she’s doing here. “Karma, wake up.”

You’re shaking, uncontrollably. You feel someone touching you and it feels as though you’ve both opened and closed your eyes.

Your mother is above you, tears in her eyes that match yours.

“Sweet girl.” She pulls you into her chest as you sob. Your throat feels raw. You feel raw. “It was just a dream. Shh.” She rocks you both back and forward and runs her hand through your hair. “It’s okay. It was just a dream.” You tuck yourself under her chin and listen to her heartbeat as it lulls you into safety for a little while.

You can’t remember the last time you had a nightmare and Amy wasn’t there to comfort you.

You freeze with the realisation that for the first time, Amy now is your nightmare.

“Want me to stay with you, tonight?” your mother asks. You nod your head in response. You cannot speak, yet.

The day goes on and you’re more tired than if you’d gotten no sleep at all. After the nightmare, you’d slept fitfully, fully aware of how messed up everything is, how messed up your life is.

You’re now sitting on your bed, staring at your phone that’s switched off. You’ve spent the day wanting to ring Amy but knowing you couldn’t. This is your burden to bare and somehow, somehow you will get over it and let Amy have her happy ending with Reagan.

You’re still no better by the time 8pm rolls around. It’s Saturday and you’ve got to get ready for the party tonight. For a few moments, you burrow into Amy’s green jumper that still smells of lavender and her, before getting ready.

You slowly turn the heat up in the shower and relive the burning sensations of your dream all over again. Your skin is red raw but you like the feeling. Now it’s just physical and it makes you feel clean, refreshed, purged of all the guilt, all the wrong things you’ve ever done.

Before you know it, Oliver is escorting you into his car and towards the party. You cannot take your mind off of the dream, off of her and all her painful perfectness that you once could have had.

It’s not long after you and Oliver manage to find a space standing against the wall, drinks in hand when you spot them walking in. They’ve only just entered and already you’re burying your head in Ollie’s shoulder, trying to shelter yourself from seeing them together. They’re holding hands but even that makes you jealous. You remember all those times you got to do that and now you can’t.

You know you can’t keep doing this, can’t keep reacting like this. You and Reagan will have to get a long for Amy’s sake, for her happiness but it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t stop the words that are seared in your throat from trying to get out.

It doesn’t make loving her so much any better.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Oliver says, pulling you tightly into his chest. You rest your head on his shoulder and close your eyes, trying to force back the tears. “It’ll be okay, I’ve got you. If you need to leave, just say the word and I’ve got you.” He pulls you even closer and for a moment, for a very brief moment you forget about the hurt, for a moment everything feels a little better. Better until you hear a not-so-subtle-cough from Amy.

“Hey, Karms.” You pull away from Oliver and wipe your face. “What’s up?” She frowns and moves closer, placing her arms on you and you shiver. “What’s wrong?” You catch sight of Reagan rolling her eyes and take a breath, willing your voice to stay strong.

“Hey, guys.” You pathetically wave in Reagan’s direction. “Nothing’s wrong. Just me getting over emotional over song lyrics again.” Amy smirks, Reagan scoffs.

“Stupid, you know you shouldn’t talk about music in public.” She nudges your shoulder with her own. “Especially if I’m not here to cheer you up.” She hugs you. “My emotional, girl.” You note the tension flood into Reagan’s body and the crease in her brow that gets deeper by the moment. You pull away.

“Hey, Reagan. How’s it going?” You look her in the eye and forge a smile. She tries to give you one back but you’re both aware how unconvincing it is. She looks around the room.

“It’s going good. Hey, I’ll be right back. I’ll just go get me and Amy a drink. Do you guys want anything?” She looks and you and Oliver

“Nah, we’re good,” Oliver answers for you. Amy frowns. You frown as Reagan lets go of her hand and walks away, smiling. Reagan knows, she must know about how you feel and yet Amy cannot see it or chooses to ignore it. You hope it’s not the latter.

“So…this is a nice party,” Amy says, taking in the sight of girl after girl grinding and dancing with their male counterparts. The place smells so strong of alcohol, you can almost taste it and the smell of sweat doesn’t make it any more bearable.

“It’s pretty cool, y’know, as far as house parties go and…yeah.” Oliver rubs the back of his neck and you can’t help but be charmed by his shy personality. You smile at him. “Cait should be here soon.” Amy frowns.

“She’s a friend of mine and Oliver’s. You’ll like her.” You spot Caitlyn walk through the door. The pink highlights in her hair act like a beacon to you and you honestly do think her and Amy will get along. Their attitudes and use of sarcasm tell you that. “Hey, she’s there.” Oliver waves her over.

“We’ll just go get Cait a drink.” His smile seems so much more sincere, it melts your heart a little.  

It’s just you and Amy, now. You look down and stand, shuffling from foot to foot next to Amy. She grabs your hand and nudges your shoulder.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired, y’know?”

“Then why are you here, stupid?” Your face softens and your smile becomes less indulgent and more sincere. You reach for her hand. You can’t help but note how good she looks in the blue shirt and tight trousers she’s wearing. Your hands are almost shaking with the need to touch her but you can’t.

“To see you, idiot.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Hey, here ya go,” Reagan says, coming back and thrusting a red plastic cup between you both. You let go of Amy’s hand and take a step back. You turn your head but still manage to catch a glimpse of the kiss Reagan supplies her with. Amy looks shocked for a few moments before responding.

“Thanks.”

“Welcome, Shrimp girl.”

“Well hello there, ladies,” Caitlyn says, smoothly pulling your arm until you crash into her. She hugs you tight and you relax into it.

“Hey, you.”

“So…Caitlyn, this is Reagan and Amy. Amy, Reagan, this is Caitlyn.” Amy puts her hand out for Caitlyn to shake. You raise one eyebrow and smirk at the strangeness of your best friend.

“Well hey there. It’s nice to meet you guys.” She pulls Amy into a hug and touches Reagan’s arm. “So you’re the famous Amy, then?” Caitlyn quirks an eyebrow, sizing Amy up.

“I guess so.” Amy shrugs and looks away.

“And you must be the girlfriend?” Reagan looks shocked for a few moments before nodding her head in agreement.

“Yup, this is the one and only Amy and yes, that’s her girlfriend,” you say. “How’ve you been, Cait?”

“Not too bad, not too bad. Being home-schooled sucks. There’s so much work to do and no one to hang out with.” She nudges Oliver’s shoulder. He blushes and pushes his glasses up. “Anyways, let’s go have a dance, Ol. It’s time to party.”

“N-no. It’s okay. I mean, I’ll stay with Karma.” He shrugs. “And besides, you know I can’t really dance.” She shrugs. Oliver looks at you, apologetically. You know he’s trying to help, trying to not leave you alone with them but you want him to have fun.

“So? Karma’s got Amy and Reagan. And we won’t be gone long. C’mon, Ol.” You smile.

“Yeah, go on, Ol. Have some fun. Come find me a later and then I can get my dance on with you both, too.”

“Ha. Shorty, you ain’t got nothing on my moves but I’ll be happy to let you join us and embarrass you with my skills.” Oliver scoffs. Caitlyn winks at you and you can’t stop the smile on your face if you tried.

Reagan is smirking, amused at the scene before her and you expect Amy to react the same. She doesn’t. She frowns and looks down and you wonder what’s wrong but don’t voice the question. It’s not your place to with her girlfriend around.

“Are you sure it’s okay, Karms? I mean, I really don’t mind staying with you, y’know? That’s fine, too and I’ll have fun.” You unwind his arms and push him towards Caitlyn.

“I’m positive. Go have fun. I order you to have fun.”

“Ay, ay, Captain.” Caitlyn salutes. “Let’s move.” She holds Oliver’s hand and pulls him towards an empty space for them to dance. You watch for a few minutes, watch Ollie’s awkward two step that’s slightly out of rhythm, watch the way Caitlyn moves her hips and smiles indulgently at him. She reaches for his hands and pulls him closer. You can see his blush from here.

“So,” Amy says, snapping your attention away from the happy scene in front of you to the awkward one you’re part of. “Shall we go sit down or something?” She tilts her head in the direction of a half empty sofa. There’s a girl sitting on a guy’s lap and you hope you’re not stuck next to them. You know what will happen soon. Before you can answer, she pulls on both yours and Reagan’s hands. Reagan’s face goes blank and you’re pretty sure that’s not a good thing but you didn’t encourage any of this, you didn’t even agree to sitting down.

You catch Oliver’s eyes. He grimaces but you smile encouragingly at him and Caitlyn, who’s slightly frowning. You know you’ll have to fill her in soon, just so she understands but you’re not looking forward to it.

As soon as you all sit down – you thankfully, furthest away from the couple at the other end of the sofa – it quickly gets awkward and you quickly wish Amy never came up with this idea. Reagan has her arm around Amy’s shoulders and keeps throwing you looks you can’t decipher but you know they’re not good. The look of anger and dislike in her eyes makes you squirm and makes Amy notice you even more.

You think it’s ridiculous, what Reagan’s doing. You know Amy isn’t yours. Reagan has nothing to prove.

But then it hits you. She doesn’t know that, she doesn’t know that you’ve given up the fight. All she knows is that you’re possessive and – from that look she gave you that night – you know, she knew how you felt about Amy before you did. She knew before anyone else and she didn’t even know you.

You down your drink and grimace as it slides down and sears you throat.

“Hey, Aims.” You try your best to smile and sell it the best you can. “Can you go get me a drink?” They both frown at your suggestion but you give her the ‘I-look-like-a-lost-puppy’ look and she gives in. Reagan looks annoyed and you understand why but this is for the greater good, this is for Amy so you’ll endure it for her.

“Do you want anything?” she asks Reagan. You look away as Reagan pulls her down and kisses her. You remember what it was like the kiss her. The softness of her lips on your, the sweet taste of her on your lips.

You wish you didn’t know.

“Nah, I think I’m good, now.” Reagan smirks at you. You try to smile back and it throws Reagan off for a moment. You are more convincing than you realise.

“Okay. I’ll be right back.”

And you thought things were awkward before but it’s nothing compared to now. Your skin almost crawls as the tension ratchets higher and higher. You’re both sitting as far apart as you can and she’s trying to ignore you but you know what you have to do. You’re calling a truce now in the only way you know how and you hope she understands that. This is your last chance to make Amy happy and by God, you’re going to succeed.

“Hey. So…I never did say sorry about that night.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“So, I guess…I mean…I’m sorry and—” You grab your bag and begin looking through it. “Gotcha. And, here.” You hand over an epi-pen. You hope she understands why you’re doing this.

“Er-why?” She shakes her head. “I mean-I mean, thanks, Karma but shouldn’t you keep this? Amy gave it to you for a reason, right…so?” She frowns but something tells you that for once, she’s not angry at you.

“No. I don’t eat peanut butter and after an accident once, my parents label everything in the house that Amy can’t eat so we never have to worry, know? And we never eat out together anymore so…you should have it.” You look around the room, anywhere but at Reagan. Something inside of your shifts and you feel too vulnerable to show her, to let her see that she wins. “Y’know, just in case. I mean, you’re her girlfriend and all, right.” You shrug. “So it makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess.” She smiles. She’s never smiled sincerely at you before and you see how different she looks, how pretty she is when she does.

“Yeah. So…apology accepted?” You look sheepish. She nods decisively once.

“Yeah, sure.” She plays with the epi-pen, rolling it between her fingers and takes a deep breath. “I mean, I know I get jealous but you guys are so close and I mean, you fucking pretended to be girlfriends. It’s just hard not to get jealous.”

“I know. I get it but we’re best friends, y’know? We’re going to spend time together but—” You shrug and look away. “But you don’t have to be jealous. Amy really likes you and I just want her to be happy.”

“I do, too.”

“So it’s settled, right? We’re good, yeah?”

“As good as we can be, Queenie.”

“Cool. So, I’m gonna go.” You point vaguely behind you. “I’m gonna go find Oliver. He’s taking me home and I’ve got to get in that dance, remember?”  You both laugh and it doesn’t sound believable to either of you.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay. I mean, Amy’s getting you a drink and wasn’t the point that we spend time together?”

“No. It’s okay. Look after her though, right? I mean, we both know this isn’t her scene and she’ll probably get herself into trouble.” She laughs. “And we can get to know each other another time.” You take a deep breath and try to stop the lump in your throat from choking you.

“I’ll look after Shrimp girl, don’t worry ‘bout that.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll see ya around.” You wave and she waves back.

“See ya and Karma?” You turn to face her. “Thank you. I get it and thanks. I’m sorry ‘bout that night, too. I was a bit of jerk but like I said, I’m a little possessive, sometimes.”

“It’s okay. No hard feelings or something.” You shrug. “Bye.” You walk away and begin searching for Oliver. He finds you first.

“Hey, Karms. I’ve just been looking for you.”

“Yeah, well here I am.” You open your arms to make your point and feel the tears begin to fall. Your voice cracks as you try to speak. “Hey, Ol, can we-can we go home?” He doesn’t respond, just pulls you to him and begins walking you out towards his car.

“I’ll just text Cait and see if she’s coming with us.” You wipe your face.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, hey. None of that. C’mere.” He pulls you close and you hold on as if your life depended on it. You can’t let anything else go, yet.

The lump in your throat gets bigger and the urge to hurt comes back in full force. You know what you did was right, you know you have to let some parts of her go but now you feel emptier than ever before, now you feel like something’s missing and it is. Your soul mate is gone and what’s worse, you know she’s happy without you. You can never have her back like you did when you were just pretending, you can never love her like you want to, so badly.

You drop to your knees and Oliver does his best to cushion your fall.

“Hey, what’s going on?” you hear Caitlyn say. “Hey, what’s wrong with Karma?” You feel her come behind you and wrap her arms around you. You’re sandwiched between two of your friends and yet you’ve never felt more alone because you don’t have her. Oliver rests his chin on your head before he speaks.

“I’ll explain later but we need to get her out of here and home.”

They help lift and guide you towards the backseat of Oliver’s car. You try to help but feel so weak and drained. You don’t understand why it hurts so bad, why you feel so lost. All you can see is Amy and Reagan living life happily together and you can’t even be angry at them for it. You have no one but yourself to blame for everything that happened.

Caitlyn sits beside you and strokes you hair as you cry into her shoulder. She smells warm, safe, like cinnamon at Christmas on a cold winter’s day but it’s not enough to comfort you, she doesn’t smell like home.

Oliver and Caitlyn sit in silence and all that can be heard is your sobbing and music. You cry until you can’t breathe. Tears blind you. Your heartbeat becomes an earthquake, shattering everything inside of you until it all fades to black and you can’t even hear Oliver’s radio anymore.

You’re alone.

You’re alone. The thought reverberates through your brain as you regain consciousness. You don’t know what happened. One minute you’re crying, the next, oxygen feels like it’s trapped in your throat and can’t reach your lungs, your blood feels like it’s rushing through your veins too fast, your head feels empty and full at the same time and then there’s nothing.

You look over and spot someone lying next to you. You frown and turn on the light next to your bed. You squint and your eyes begin to water as the light floods your vision.

Caitlyn lies, curled tightly on the opposite side of your bed. She’s burrowed under a pile of blankets and her face looks so peaceful, so young as she lies there, her blonde hair framing her and making her look angelic.

You frown as the cliché thoughts running through your mind and shake your head. That’s when you notice, notice how your head is pounding and your throat is dry. Your lips feel like they’ll crack if they move them. Your skin feels sticky, sweaty and you wish you had the energy to get in the shower.

You swing your legs over and nearly fall as you stumble to lean against a wall. Your legs feel like wet paper as you try to take a step. You spot Oliver on the floor and watch him awake from his slumber.

You must have made too much noise.

You vaguely remember waking up as Oliver lifted you up the stairs to the tune of your Caitlyn’s frightened whispers but otherwise, you don’t know what happened.

Your breathing is heavy and tiredness settles over you in full force. You wish more than anything that you could sleep for more than a few hours, again but you’re scared to dream. Even the good ones, if they involve her become bad and leave an ache that goes deeper than flesh and bones.

“Hey, are you okay? You should get back in bed.” Oliver says, walking towards you. You nod your head and try to lean on the wall a little less.

“Water,” you croak out.

“Okay. I’ll get you some but let’s get you into bed.”

“Thanks.”

“No worries.” He guides you, arm around his shoulders, to your bed “I’ll be right back, okay?” You nod as he tucks you in. Caitlyn still rests easily on the left side of your bed.

Before you know it, you’re downing a glass of water that Oliver gave you. The coldness settles in your bones and wakes you up a little. You register that thought again.

You’re alone.

The realisation knocks the air out of your lungs. Who are you without her? It’s been the two of you for as long as you can remember, you’re soul mates but now a part of her is missing, a part of you is missing and now nothing makes sense.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“Yeah, of course.” It’s silent for a few moments before he asks: “what-what happened?” You burrow your head into your pillow. He leans over you, sitting on the edge of your bed and rubbing your back.

“I don’t know.” You shrug and face him. “I guess-I mean…I’ve just got to move on but it’s so hard, y’know?”

“I know.”

“And I don’t know what to do. I had my chance and blew it but I didn’t know. I didn’t know how I felt. I didn’t.” You’re frantic now. “How could I have known? Why didn’t I know? I’m so stupid.”

“Hey, hey. I know, I know. It’s going to be okay. It will, I promise.” He leans down and holds you as you cry for the umpteenth time. “Shh. It’ll all be okay. I’ve got you. I mean, I know it hasn’t been long but we’re real good friends now, right Karms?” You nod your head in agreement. “And you know good friends are always there for each other. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers into your hair and for a few moments, nothing but both of your breathing can be heard.

“Thank you. I just-thank you,” you say once you calm down.

“You don’t have to thank me. Just know I’m there if you need me, okay? You should get some sleep now. Everything’s better with a little sleep.” You doubt him but at least he’s trying, at least he’s hair whilst Amy is probably fucking Reagan. You groan into your pillow and try to banish the images invading your mind.

“Can you-can you lie with me? I mean, you don’t have to if it’s weird or you don’t want to but…yeah?”

“Oh. Of course, of course. Whatever you need.” Even though it’s dark, you can imagine the blush flooding his face and you feel a little bit at ease. You like the predictability of Oliver, the way you know him so easily, even though it hasn’t been long since you officially met.

You pull back the covers and he climbs over, sliding in the middle and laying on his back, arms resting on his stomach as he awkwardly looks at the ceiling. You pull the covers over you and turn around, staring into the darkness that’s always there, now.

“Thanks, Ol. You’re the best,” you whisper.

“I am, aren’t I?” You laugh and turn around, resting your head on his chest. His arms stay where they are and you feel how tense his body is.

“I’m sorry, too, Ol.”

“What for?”

“Ruining your night. I know you and Cait where having a good time. You hear his heartbeat increase. “I’m just…sorry.”

“You don’t need to be. It’s fine. We hang out all the time.” You sigh.

“Yeah, but tonight you were making progress and I just-I just got in the way.” His heartbeat it at full throttle now and you feel him fidget against you.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not stupid, Ol. I know you like her but I won’t say anything. I’m just sorry I ruined it, that’s all. You’re the best guy a girl could ask for. Caitlyn’s really lucky, y’know?”

“Hey, be careful there, Karms. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were hitting on me.” You scoff.

“Sorry, dude. You’re not my type. You’re not blonde enough and sarcastic enough for me.”

“But I am sexy, right?” You laugh and pat his chest.

“You really are the best.”

“I know, I know. Now sleep, you’re exhausted.”

“Okay. G’night.”

“Good night. Sweet dreams, Karms, sweet dreams.” You hear him yawn and exhaustion settles over you.

You don’t know if it’s because you’re just that tired, Oliver being here or a combination of the two but you awake, refreshed and not a bad dream in sight. You didn’t dream of her loving and touching and pleasing you, you didn’t dream of her hurting and hating and punishing you. There was just blackness and emptiness and it feels so good, so refreshing to you.

You really need to get over it, get over her and start living your life. You’ve got new friends to help, you’re beginning to let her go, you have to move on.

You check your phone. It’s 11:43am and you notice a text from Amy, sent at 4:13am and frown. Surely she must have been sleeping or otherwise occupied by then.

You glance over and frown as you notice Oliver and Cait aren’t in the room. You decide to quickly read Amy’s text before going to find them:

Hey, shorty. I spoke to Reagan about what happened last night. You didn’t even say bye :( I’m glad you’re trying to get along but we need to talk. I’ll see you later today, okay?

Love you

XX

 

You don’t know how to respond to her so you don’t, instead you send a text to Liam, the guy you fucked and forgot. You know it was a jerk move but he would have done the same so you don’t mind. You send a quick ‘I’m sorry’ before getting up. Just as you reach the door, Oliver walks in, tray in hand.

“Breakfast in bed, milady.” Cait follows behind and smiles at you. You wonder if they’ve spoken, if he told her and now she knows. You both hope he did and he didn’t.

“Okay, now I’m really serious. How lucky can a girl get?” He sets the tray down next to you. You feel like you’ve just won the best big brother in the world. “I mean it, y’know, I really do appreciate you and all you’ve done for me.” He shrugs and looks away but you reach out to hug him. You catch Cait frowning slightly before she wipes the expression away. You smirk.

“Er, thanks, Karms. I just-I mean, we just wanted to make you feel better, y’know?”

“Yeah.” Cait shrugs. “And if you need to talk or anything, we’re here. I mean, I know I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t go to Hester but…I’m here-we’re here.” You smile and will back the tears. You really need to stop crying so much.

“You guys want some?” You hold your fork out with a slice of fruit on it.

“Nah, we’re good. Ol cooked us something. We’re full.” She flops down on your bed, arms outstretched.

“Oh, cool. Thanks guys, you’re awesome.”

“No worries, short stack,” Cait says and Oliver sits precariously on the edge of your bed, smiling.

“Hey, I am not short.”

“Are too.”

“Are not.”

“Are too.” You place your food aside and hit him with a pillow.

“Are not.”

“Hey, sorry to interrupt,” your mother says, poking her head into the room. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“And who are these lovely people?”

“Oh, this is Oliver and Cait. I go to school with them.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll leave you guys alone. See you later. Love you, baby.” You hide your face and try to repress the blush that’s working its way across your face.

Oliver and Caitlyn laugh and that’s how you spend your day, eating, laughing and joking alongside Ol and Cait. You don’t even realise how much time has passed until you hear Amy walk into your room.

When she sees Oliver and Cait, she freezes momentarily but you notice.

“Hey, guys,” she says.

“Hey.” Oliver checks his watch. “I think it’s time we head home.” He hugs you and Cait does, too.

“Yeah, we’ll text you later. Call either of us if you need someone.” She kisses your cheek, you hug back a little tighter.

“Thanks for everything, guys. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.” Amy says and lifts her hand as if to wave. They smile and wave back before the room is silent.

 “So—”

“So, we-we need to talk?” you say.

“Yeah. But first, I brought this back.” She hands you her epi-pen. You frown.

“Why?”

“Because I gave it to you, not Reagan and I like knowing you have it.” She shrugs. “You’ll always be there if I need it, anyways, you always are.” You smile.

“I just thought.”

“No, you kinda didn’t. If I wanted Reagan to have one, I’d have given her one, stupid. Now c’mere.” She opens her arms for you and you don’t hesitate. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you.” It’s a while before you both separate. You’re so confused over your friendship. Was it always like this? How could you have not known how you felt if it always was? “How was the party?” You turn away and begin getting your things together to shower.

“It was alright,” she shrugs. “but you left so it was kinda no fun pointing out stupid things about people. Even Reagan looked a little confused.”

“She did?”

“Yeah.”

“I was just exhausted.”

“Oh, okay.” She sits on your bed and you sit next to her.

“Yeah.”

“You know I’m here, too, right?” You look over to her.

“I know but you’ve been busy and I’ve just been tired and stuff. You know me, I’m always okay.”

“We both know that’s not true, idiot. You’re like a toddler when you’re tired or upset. And you know you’re more important that Reagan, right? I mean, you’re my best friend so that makes you special. Well, to me it does.” She shrugs. You frown.

“You’re my best friend, you’re special to me, too. I mean, I know I’ve been an idiot with Liam but you’re still special.”

“Yeah, sorry.” She traces patterns on your blanket. “Just doesn’t feel like it sometimes.” You place the things in your hands down, walk to the top of your bed and get a pillow before throwing it at her, and hitting her in the head.

“You’re such so stupid sometimes.” You roll your eyes and cross your arms in front of your chest. She looks at you, brow furrowed. “I picked you, even when you were being a jerk and ignoring me.”

“And I picked you,” she shouts back as loud as she does. “Even now, when you’re ignoring my texts, I’m still here picking you.”

“I got distracted, that’s all.” She scoffs.

“Distracted by Oliver, your new man of the week.” You laugh in disbelief. It’s loud, booming and comes from deep within your abdomen.

“Oliver? Are you serious right now? And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.” You shake your head. “Just for your information, I don’t fuck every guy I see. You don’t know the half of it. And we’re supposed to be best friends, right?” You swallow down the lump building in your throat. “I think you should go.”

“Karms, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“No. Just go. Go pick Reagan and leave me alone.” You begin to walk away before she grabs your wrist. You pull away and stand in front of her, arms crossed.

“Karma, c’mon. I’m sorry. It’s just, we hardly spend time together and all this stuff’s going on with you but you won’t tell me and I’m scared.” You frown. “I’m scared because we don’t talk and a guy came between us. I mean, we’re getting past it but what if I lose you? I need you in my life but it feels like all we do is spend time apart or argue.” She deflates. “I just miss how it used to be, before I messed it all up.” Your face hardens and your body tenses at that last sentence. You want to scream but instead, grit your teeth.

“You didn’t mess anything up.” Something akin to a growl comes from you. “I’m not making your feelings an issue, you are.”

“Yeah, because unlike you, I can’t just ignore them.” It hurts. It hurts that she has no idea just how much you can’t ignore them. “I can’t pretend like I’m not in love with you. I may not cry at stupid movies and song lyrics but I hurt.” She hits her chest to make her point and you notice the tears coming from her eyes.

You can’t stand it when she cries and lately, it’s always because of you. Lately, you’ve seen her cry more times in a few months than the rest of your friendship combined.

You want to hold her, hug her, make everything better but you’re too raw, everything’s too much so you don’t.

“Yeah, well so do I. You’re not the only one.” She scoffs and you see the anger re-ignite inside of her.

“And the world doesn’t revolve around poor little Karma, y’know?” she spits at you. “I’m so sick and tired of you thinking you have it any worse than the rest of us. We hurt and cry, too. We want to fit in. You’re not so special.” You take a few steps back and look at her, look at what you’ve done to your best friend. She looks feral, sneering in anger at you. There’s no more tears, she’s hardened herself to them, to you now.

You don’t say anything, just turn and pick up your things for a shower. She doesn’t chase after you this time, not like she used to and you didn’t expect her to. Not now.

You burn. Your skin is red raw and it hurts but you can’t turn the temperature down now. Your arms and forehead rest against the wall as you let the scalding water run down your back. You wonder how this happened, how your friendship, the best one in your life managed to get so damaged, how you managed to break your best friend. That’s how you know, that’s how you know that you should leave her alone, you should stop hurting her and let her live her life.

 

You cry. You cry and it comes from a place deeper than you’ve ever known. If you hadn’t have realised, if you didn’t love her like you do, everything would be okay. How can you both love each other so much and it ruin everything?

 

When your skin feels sore, when every drop of water feels like a needle stuck in your skin, you get out of the shower and head towards your room.

 

You know she won’t be there but it still hurts when you walk into an empty room. Is this it? Is this how it’ll end? You sit on the bed and look blindly ahead of you. There’s a note beside you but you can’t bring yourself to read it. You can’t bring yourself to think that all those years, all those times you were there for each other will be over.

 

You see her. You see her seven year old self, curled up on her sofa watching cartoon whilst she was ill. You skipped school that day and found the spare door key to sneak in and cheer her up. Both your parents were furious when they found out (it didn’t take ten minutes for you to be discovered) but it was worth it to see her sick face light up in a smile. And even though you caught her illness, too, it was worth it.

 

She’s always been worth it.

 

You take a deep breath before picking up the note. The paper shakes along with your hands and you will your eyes not to close, you will your eyes to take in the words and process them. If this is the end, you’ll accept it. For her happiness, you’ll accept it.

 

Friday night, I’ll be here. We need to talk. Keep this weekend free.

Amy

 

You take a deep breath and place the note in your drawer, in your drawer where you keep important things that remind you of her. If this weekend is the end, you’ll catalogue every memory, even the bad ones and cherish them.


	4. I Get Lonely

**Chapter 4: I Get Lonely – Janet Jackson**

_‘Sittin' here with my tears._

_All alone with my fears._

_I'm wonderin' if I have to do without you_

_But there's no reason why._

_I fell asleep late last night._

_Cryin' like a newborn child._

_Holdin' myself close, pretendin' my arms are yours._

_I want no one but you._

It’s Tuesday and you’re sitting with Oliver at lunch. Amy and Reagan are not far and you wonder why they haven’t joined you but you don’t say a thing, you don’t go over to them. In fact, you try to forget that they’re there. You try to forget that Reagan has her fingers intertwined with Amy’s and that her lips occasionally get to kiss Amy’s soft, tender flesh. You try to forget that you and Amy could be over, this could be it.

Amy, Amy, Amy. Amy that looks so good in that jumper you once picked out for her. Amy that you want to be here with you instead. Amy that’s looking at you right now, smile on her lips and sadness in her eyes.

You turn away and focus on Oliver. He smiles at you before he spots something behind you and smiles even bigger.

“Cait’s here.” Your brow creases and you turn around. You wave.

“Hey, bitches,” she says, as soon as she’s within talking distance. You smirk.

“Bitches? We are not your bitches, you’re both mine,” you say.

“Ha. Alright, shorty. Hey, Ol.” She throws an arm around your shoulder before walking around the table and sitting next to Oliver.

“Hey.”

“So, what’re you doing here?”

“Studying was so boring. I wanted to have a little fun and what better way than with you two? Besides, it’s a nice day, right?”

“I wonder if anyone cares how many people just walk in here.” Oliver questions, frown in place.

“Nah, this is Hester. Hester, the place where no one gives a shit.” Caitlyn gasps.

“Red. I feel like I’m a bad influence. Look at the language on you, lately.”

“Nah, that’s Amy’s influence more than yours. I’m surprised Karma isn’t Princess Sarcasm, already. Next to Queen Sarcasm over there.” He nods, blushing a little at the smirks on yours and Caitlyn’s faces.

“Princess Sarcasm?” You laugh, fondly remembering _that_ moment. “That’s definitely not me.” The look on your face puts frowns on both of theirs. You shake it off and beginning digging into your whole grain, hummus and salad sandwich, courtesy of your mother. You moan. “So good.”

“Mhmm, sounds like it.” Oliver blushes and Caitlyn quirks an eyebrow. “I almost want to take a bite.” You laugh.

“Come and get some.” You shimmy your shoulders and watch as she walks over and does, indeed, take a bite. You gasp. “I cannot believe you just did that. Nobody steals my food.” You lean away and continue eating.

“Mmm, you’re were right. That is one good thing to eat.” She winks and you both burst out laughing. Oliver smiles and hides his blush. You smirk and wonder how he’d react if you and Cait subtly flirted with him. “So, who’s going to fill me in on what’s going on?” She nudges your arm.

“I-I think it’s up to Karma. I mean, I think it’s up to Karma if she wants to tell you.”

“I-I er, it’s hard to talk about.” You look away and suddenly, your food doesn’t taste so good. “I mean, can we talk about it later? School is the best place for this, y’know?” She looks at you, she just looks at you for a few moments.

“Okay. I mean, you don’t have to tell me.” She looks down at the table and you place your arm on her shoulder and squeeze, placing your forehead on the side of hers. She shrugs and you see a little bit of Oliver in her in that moment. “I just want to help.”

“I know, I know. How about tonight, we come around and I’ll explain and then you guys can cheer me up with movies and ice cream?”

“Sounds good, Karms.”

“Yeah, sounds good, shorty.” You smile at the both and hope you can get this all over with quickly. You don’t want to talk about it but maybe Caitlyn can help. Maybe between you, Oliver and Caitlyn, you could get over it, get over her.

The bell for class goes. You turn and begin picking up your stuff. You notice Amy standing there watching you. The slight down turn of her lips and the way her eyes glisten a little too much twists something in your chest.

You muster up a smile, swallow your pride, your insecurities and mouth ‘I love you’ to her.

She smiles and you feel a little better.   

Maybe you can fix this.

That’s how you find yourself later, stuck in between Caitlyn and Oliver on Cait’s sofa. You wonder why you’re in the middle and feel a little out of place but they both quickly make you feel comfortable enough to brush the feelings aside. It’s not long before things take a serious turn, though.

“So, you good, Karma?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m, er, I’m a lot better that I have been lately, at least.” You shrug. “Well, kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Me and Amy had another fight.” You shrug again. “But I think, I think it’ll be fine but we’re spending the weekend together, I think. I don’t really know what’s going on.” You sit looking straight ahead and playing with your fingers.

“Oh.”

“I’m sure you guys will be fine. I mean, you’ve survived this long and through everything.” Oliver throws an arm over your shoulder and so does Cait. “It’ll be fine. And Karms, you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to. Right, Cait?”

“Right. But I’m all ears if you need it.”

“I know, I know.” You feel tense. You want to tell her, to offload to someone and stop burdening Oliver but you’re scared. How can you tell her when the words are seared into your throat and your voice can’t clear them away? You try to take a deep breath but it doesn’t feel like enough oxygen.

“Hey, hey, hey.” She tightens her hold on you. “You really don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. Just promise you’ll call if you need or something, right? And even if you don’t need something, call anyway.” You smile.

“Thanks, guys. Shall we put a movie on or something?”

“Sure. What’s your poison of choice?”

“I always pick. How about you and Ollie pick something?” They scoff.

“Because he has bad taste in movies,” she says at the same time as Oliver says:

“Because she picks worse movies than you.” You smile at their synchronicity and think that they’d be perfect for one another.

“Twilight, New Moon it is,” she shouts and you don’t need to look at Oliver to know he’s rolling his eyes. You smirk.

“You’re both lucky I like you enough to watch this.” He pauses. “Again.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” She gets up and pops the movie in. She jumps in the middle of you, landing on you both slightly. You scooch over and she settles, snugly in between you both. “I know I’m pretty amazing. Why wouldn’t you both love me?” She kisses both your cheeks, sloppily and you cringe, wiping your face.

“Ew. Get your germs away from me.” She swats your arm.

“Hey. I’m a perfectly healthy specimen, thank you very much.”

“Whatever,” Oliver says.

“Shh, movies on and I gotta check me out some Vamp and werewolf.” You smile. This is just what you need: time away, time to forget and breathe and even though it’s not the same – watching this movie without Amy’s sarcastic responses and scoffs of laughter – it still makes you feel better.

The week passes in a similar manner. You spend lunches with Oliver and sometimes Cait and you spend your day sneaking glances at Amy. Sometimes you catch her looking at you before she looks away, sometimes you catch her looking with a soft smile on her lips. A smile you return, equally as tentative.

Instead of sitting with you, she has Shane and his friends, sometimes Reagan, too. You wonder what’s happening, why you don’t spend time together, don’t sit together. What happened to your friendship?

You don’t understand why you’re not really talking, either. You fought, yes but the shy glances and smiles tell you she’s not angry with you.

You find yourself on the sidewalk outside your house on Thursday evening, sitting next to Caitlyn and spilling some of your heart to her. You need someone to tell you that things are fine and you know she wouldn’t lie to you, not even to make you feel better.

“I-I’m in love with her.” Caitlyn’s head swivels in your direction as soon as the words leave you lips. Her eyes, usually so dark and hard soften a little. It had been quiet and you didn’t mean to blurt the confession out but the words have been burning inside of you and you just want to scream it at everyone. You pull your knees closer to your chest and rest your head against them.

“Who?”

“Amy,” you whisper.

“I thought so.” She wraps an arm around your shoulder. “But she’s with Reagan.” You nod your head. “It’ll be okay. If you’re supposed to be together, it’ll work out.” She rests her chin on your head and you begin to cry into her shoulder. She rubs your back and doesn’t say a word, doesn’t tell you not to cry, that’ll it be okay, that you can get over this. She just lets you be. Sobs come from deep within your bones and everything insides you cries. “God. You love her so much and you’re so lucky, y’know?” You shrug. “You get to love so strong, so much and I know it hurts but it feels good, sometimes, too, doesn’t it?” You nod your head and begin to compose yourself.

“She-she said she loved me, once. And I-I said I didn’t love, didn’t love her like that but I, I did. I just didn’t know.” She hugs you close, again. “I just didn’t know.”

“It’s not your fault. You can’t help who you love, shorty.”

“I know, I know. I just want to stop-to stop hurting her.”

“You’ll get through it. Ol’s told me about you both and I’ve seen you together at that house party. You two adore each other, you’ll get through it. And hey, I don’t think she’s stopped loving you.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth. You don’t just turn your feelings off. She loves you but for now, she’s with Reagan and who knows? Maybe now she’ll realise how incomparable Reagan is to you. You’re pretty amazing, y’know?”

“So are-so are you.” She laughs and you feel it soothe you.

“So hey, Karms, is it cool to mess with this Reagan chick? Looks like she can have a temper on her and it’ll be fun to mess with her.” You laugh and shake your head.

“No. Thanks for wanting to help but it’s not a good idea.”

“Aw. Don’t ruin my fun.”

“Aw.” You lean back and pinch her cheeks. “I’m sure you’ll find another way to have fun.”

“Okay, spoil sport.” She stands up and dusts her knees. She offers you a hand and helps you up. “C’mon, it’s getting cold and I’m hungry. Let’s go.” She pats you on the butt and you smile. You hold her hand.

“Veggie pizza, here we come.” She groans.

“Pizza needs meat.”

“And I need you to cheer up so c’mon, blondie.”

“Alright, shorty but at least let me have extra cheese?” You pretend to think about it for a moment.

“Fine.” As if you’d need to be convinced to have more cheese on your pizza.

You reach the door and Caitlyn hugs you and wipes the tear tracks from your face.

“Whatever happens, it’ll be okay. We’ll get you through it, I promise.” She kisses your cheek and you smile.

You smile less convincingly the next day when Amy is standing in the door way to your room, stepping from foot to foot and looking at you.

“Hey,” you say, breaking the awkward silence.

“Hi.” She raises an arm in a wave and you quirk an eyebrow and frown. “I’m, er, I’m—” She looks down at her feet before looking you in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too, I guess. I mean, I am. I’m sorry, too.”

“I know.” A small smile breaks out on her face and you replicate it. She sits next to you. “I just miss you and everyone else gets to spend time with you but your mine.” Your ribs become a punch bag and your heart the fists. “You’re my best friend.” And you are. That’s your certainty. For as long as you live, she’ll be your best friend and you’d do anything from her, even if she hated you.

“I’m sorry.” You shrug. “I just-I just have to share you so I spend time with people. And I know I can text you whenever I want to but-but I don’t want to ruin things for you.” You sigh. “I mean, Reagan and me don’t exactly get on well so…yeah.”

“I know but this weekend is ours, right? So am I forgiven? Can we just have fun and can we just be like we used to?”

“I’ll forgive you if you forgive me?” She smiles and hugs you. You bury your head into her neck and breathe her in. Everything in you exhales into comfort. She kisses your forehead and picks up a magazine from the side. You watch her as she flicks through it and scoffs. The lighting hits her face and you’d give anything to run your lips, your tongue across her neck, her collarbones that peek out and taste her. God, what you wouldn’t do to taste and love and cherish her.

“Why do you read these? They’re so stupid.” You shake the thoughts of her off and feel guilt build inside of you. You shrug and move to lie on your stomach. Amy copies and settles next to you, still flicking through the magazine.

“I just like to know what’s going on, y’know?”

“That’s stupid. You dress and look better than all of the people in here.” You feel butterflies in your stomach and try to hide the blush making its way across your face. She nudges your arm with her own before throwing the magazine on the floor. “Let’s watch Tom and Jerry.”

“Okay, Tweety.” She squints her eyes at you. You laugh. She’s always hated that nickname. “Aw, you’re just so cute and blonde.” You squeeze her cheeks. “Look at that ickle face.” You pout your lips at her and see her trying not to laugh. She squirms away from your pinching fingers and holds your wrists.

“Stop it, Sylvester. I’m not afraid to get you back.”

“Yeah, yeah. You wish, princess.” You try to get free but she keeps a hold of you and laughs for a few moments before she lets go.

“Mhmm. C’mon, Velma, put the DVD in.” You gasp.

“Velma? Velma? Excuse me. We both know I’m Daphne and you’re Velma.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. TV time.” You go to the TV and place the DVD you got just for her in.

“God. We haven’t watched this in ages.” You sigh and remember all those times as kids when you’d watch it, especially when Amy was sick and needed cheering up. You frown and turn around. “You okay, Aims?”

“I’m great. I’ve got Tom and Jerry to watch and you here to watch it with.” She smiles. “And we’re okay.” She nods her head once. You’re not sure if she’s right and the way her smile doesn’t look real tells you she isn’t sure either.

“Of course.” She smiles much more sincerely and lightly punches your arm.

“So, c’mon, stupid. Let’s watch cartoons.”

You sit and laugh and it feels like old times, back when it was just you two, back when everything was fine.

“Aw. Jerry is such a jerk,” you say.

“Yeah but he’s a clever, jerk, right?” You roll your eyes.

“Poor Tom. Jerry’s almost as bad as you.” She gasps.

“I am not bad. Look at this sexy-sexy senorita of a body. I’m like Jessica Rabbit meets Marilyn Monroe” She waves her hand in an exaggerated manner across her body. “How could this ever be bad?” You double over with laughter and almost have tears in your eyes before you calm down.

“Jerry’s sexier, just saying.” She pushes you and you fall off the bed. You stand up and get a pillow but she’s quicker and before you know it, something soft hits you in the head. “You did not.”

“I did.”

It’s when Amy falls off your bed and hits her head that you both calm down and sit on the bed watching the show. It’s five or six episodes later and you’re both getting ready to sleep.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I mean, there is a nasty bump.”

“I’m fine, Karms. I’ve been fine for the past couple of hours.”

“Promise?”

“I promise, sunshine. I’ll even pinky promise if it makes you feel better?”

“Okay.” You pinky promise and she smiles softly at you, dimples drawing your attention and eyes wide and bright. You’ve missed her.

You both lie down, you on the left side like always. It’s not long before you’re drifting off and you’re pretty certain Amy has already, if the snuggling against you is anything to go by. She’s always been like this. Always wanted to be held when she’s tired and near you.

You wonder if Reagan knows this side of her before shaking the thought away and sighing.

You hear your phone vibrate and check it, noticing you’ve gotten a text from Oliver asking if you’re alright. You tell him you’re fine. You lie back down and turn to face Amy. You see how serene, how peaceful she looks at it melts your heart. You love seeing this side of her.

“Sweet dreams,” you whisper and kiss her forehead, running a hand through her soft hair. You feel her arm find its way around your waist and her head rest on your chest.

“G’night, my love.” Your heart doesn’t speed up, it slows down like those words were the perfect lullaby for you.

You drift, easily, off to sleep and there’s no dreams, no nightmares, just peaceful blackness that blankets your sleep in softness.

You have two favourite smells: one, the husky lavender scent that emanates from Amy and two, the smell of freshly made pancakes. When you smell both, you knows it’s going to be a good day.

Today is a good day.

You awake to Amy stumbling in the room with pancakes. You love being awoken to food, especially when Amy has made it for you.

“Ta-da,” she says, placing the plate down on your lap as you sit cross legged under the blankets. “Breakfast in bed. Scooch over.” She pushes your legs until you move from her side of the bed to yours. She picks up the cutlery and begins cutting into the pancakes before stealing some.

“Hey.” You slap away her hands. “They’re mine.”

“No, they’re ours, stupid. Now stop complaining and eat.” She always has liked sharing food with you. You always have liked sharing food with her, even if she eats most of it.

“Fine. But don’t ever say I don’t love you. I’m letting you have some of my pancakes.”

“Pancakes I made.”

“Exactly. You make the best. Why would I share with anyone?” You stuff another mouthful in.

“’Cause you love me.”

“Somebody has to.” She nudges your shoulder with her own. “So what’s the plan?”

“We’re going somewhere.”

“Where?”

“A surprise.”

“Amy.” She looks at you, brows raised, eyes wide and mouth full with your pancakes. “Tell me.” She shakes her head and swallows.

“Nope. You’ll just have to wait.”

“Please.”

“Nope. This is payback for the Tweety comment.”

“Aw. But you’re just so cute.” You squeeze her cheeks and she squirms away.

“Every time. Do you really have to do that, every time?”

“Yep.” You smile.

“You’re so lucky I like you.”

“Like? Who’re you tryn’a fool. You don’t like me, you love me.” You guide the fork she’s just filled with pancakes towards your mouth and eat. “God. These are so good.”

“I cannot believe you just did that.”

“Did what?”

“Stole my pancakes.”

“They’re not yours, you made them for me.”

“Yeah, but—”

“You need to make more, next time.” You glance down at the near empty plate and pout. “They’re nearly all gone and you ate most of them.” She smiles sheepishly.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You can make it up to me by telling me where we’re going?”

“Not happening, short stuff. Not happening.”

“Princess,” you moan. She clears the plate of every crumb and you roll your eyes. Something’s about her will never change.

“No. Wait and see.” You pout but she turns and walks out of the room before it can take effect.

—

You’re walking hand in hand down the street. It doesn’t take long to figure out where you’re going. It’s the park, the park you and Amy used to hang out at when you were younger, the park where some of your best memories are, the park you haven’t been to in so long. The walk is silent and everything feels simple again. You swing your arms and it feels as though you’re 10 years old again and walking here for a day out with your best friend.

Amy’s holding a basket in her hand and you wonder what’s in there. You hope this isn’t all because of your fight. You know it was as much your fault as hers but you can’t help it, you can’t help your temper when you’re angry and Amy knows that better than anyone.

“Why are we here?” you say once you reach the big oak tree you’ve always sat under, together.

“Just thought it’d be nice, y’know? The weather’s nice and we don’t spend enough time together lately and I guess. I just thought it’d be good to do what we used to, back when things were always good.” She looks down. You squeeze her hand.

“And the park would be a perfect place for a picnic, right?” You smile.

“Exactly.” She lets go of your hand sets the picnic basket down to emphasize her point. “And besides, today’s a special day.”

“Really now?”

“Yup. Today’s our anniversary. Today’s the day we both decided to best friends forever, remember?” How could you have forgetten? You do a lot of smiling in her presence and today’s no different. You tilt your head and just look at her, look at how beautiful every curve and inch of flesh is, at how soft her eyes look to you, at the slight curve to her lips that lets you know she’s content, she’s happy.

“You’re such a nerd. And you say I’m the cheesy one.” She smirks and bumps your shoulder.

“You are, idiot but somebody has to put up with you.” You scoff.

“You mean I have to put up with your sarcastic butt.” You sit, legs outstretched in front of you. Amy sits the same, facing the opposite direction and right next to you.

“I thought that was all a part of my charm. The Hulk that I am.” You laugh.

“Idiot.”

“Mhmm. Now let’s eat. I’m starving.” You side, mouth wide open.

“You’re starving? Who ate nearly all the pancakes?” She looks sheepish before smiling, charmingly at you.

“I cooked them for you, though and hey, I’ve got all your favourites in here.” She pats the top of the basket. “So you can’t be too angry with me.” She looks down.

“Hey.” You run your hand down her arm. “I’m not angry at you. I’m done fighting. We do it too much lately.” You shrug and Amy nods her head in agreement. “At least for this weekend, let’s have some fun.”

And that’s what you do. You spend Saturday at the park and at home, playing around like you used to on the sofa. At one point, you see your parents walk past and smile at you both, indulgently like they’ve always done.

“Hey, Amy. We’ve missed you around here,” your mother says, wrapping her arms around Amy in a maternal hug.

“I’ve missed you guys, too.”

“Where’ve you been?” She shrugs and blushes a little.

“I’ve been busy with school and I kinda, maybe have a girlfriend.” She looks away and your mother frowns.

“Oh. Oh, I didn’t know. Karma didn’t say.” You shrug and look away, sheepishly.

“Yeah. It must have slipped my mind.” Amy rolls her eyes.

“Mhmm,” you mother says. “Well, we must meet her one day, right Karma.” You smile as best you can and agree.

After that, you spend time laughing and joking and just being best friends. Sunday passes in a blur of happiness and before you know it, it’s late Sunday evening. It’s time to let her go and not for the first time, you want to cry.

You’re both standing in the hall, looking at each other. You reach for her hand and pull her into a hug. You think that this is your favourite place to be, this is the only place you can just be. You pull back and lean in to kiss her cheek and somehow, somehow manage to catch the side of her lips and you wish more than anything that you could just kiss her like she was yours.

But she’s not. So you pull away, blushing and wishing the butterflies in your stomach would disappear.

“I’ll see you at school,” you say before heading to your room. You don’t get far.

“Karma, she says,” grabbing your wrist. “Nuh-uh. You’re not kicking me out. Can’t I stay over?” She pouts as if she needed to too convince you to let her stay.

“Of course but I just thought, I just thought you’d want to go home and maybe call Reagan or something?” You’ve noticed how she never calls her, she never really even speaks about Reagan unless you bring her up.

“Nah. I’ll call her tomorrow and I know I have some spare clothes around here somewhere.” She shrugs. “It’s our weekend and it isn’t over, yet. C’mon, Karms, let’s go have some fun.” She drags you by the arm and you just follow.

You’ll always just follow. Especially when it means you get to sleep in her arms again, you get to feel every curve, every dip pressed against you.

It’s later that night, when you’re replying to a text from Oliver that you notice Amy’s mood shift. She’s sitting next to you and tries to see your phone. You put your phone away.

“Who’re you texting?” she says after you scoff at one of Ol’s bad jokes you just read.

“Just Oliver.” The expression ‘face like thunder’ has never made more sense to you than in this moment.

“Oh.” You sigh.

“Amy. What is it? What the fuck is going on in that head of yours?” She frowns and you want to joke, to say that she’ll get wrinkles if she keeps it up but you can’t.

“Nothing.”

“Are you jealous? It’s stupid if you are.” You reach for her hand and pull it close. “You’re my best friend. No one else.”

“I know. I just-do you like him?”

“As a friend, yes. I’ve told you, I’ve told you more than once, actually, that we’re just friends.”

“I know. It’s just you look so close.”

“We are but we’re still just friends.” She quietens for a few moments and you wish you didn’t hear the next words that leave her lips, you wish that the fury inside of you wouldn’t erupt in this moment, in this moment when she’s so vulnerable but it does.

“You’d tell me if you were seeing someone, right?” she whispers and you hear it loud, reverberating in your skull. You pull away and feel your face contort into something ugly, something not you.

“You’re my best friends, of course I would. I know what it’s like when your best friend keeps stuff from you, remember?”

“Great. You’re still not over Liam.” She sighs and rolls her eyes.

“No. Fuck you, Amy. I’ve told you repeatedly that I’m over it, over him. It’s you that isn’t.” Her head snaps in your direction. “This is about you and Reagan.” She laughs in your face and it fuels your anger.

“Of course it is.”

“You kept me from her, you hid me from her and her from me and then you have the audacity to tell me not to do the same to you?”

“It was complicated.”

“Isn’t it always between us? But don’t worry. I don’t like Oliver like that, I won’t fuck him so you don’t have to either.” You see her freeze, see the blood drain from her face and every ounce of pain she feels, injects itself inside of you. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m sorry, Amy.” You reach for her but she moves back and stands up, away from you. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“I think-I think I should go.” She slowly turns to walk away but you hold her wrist.

“Amy, please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. We’ve had such a good time, we can’t end it like this.” She turns around and looks at you. If your heart wasn’t already broken, it would be now. You see her cry, see the downward tilt of her lips and the way her body shakes. You pull her close and she tucks herself into your chest. “Shh, I’m so sorry.” You kiss the crown of her head and hold her close. Your mother walks past and shoots you a worried look. You shake your head and she leaves you both be. “C’mon, let’s go upstairs. I’ve got something to show you, okay?” She nods her head. You hate when she’s so upset she won’t talk and now you’ve made her like this. Everything inside of you aches and you wish you weren’t like this, you wish you could stop hurting her.

She’s sitting curled on top of your bed and you sigh. You walk over, paper in one hand and sit on the edge of the bed next to her, rubbing her back with the other.

“Here,” you say, placing the paper in front of her. She knew you liked to write poetry but you’re even more scared to show people this than you are your music so she rarely sees any. She frowns.

“What’s.” She hiccups. “What’s this?”

“Just read it, okay, Princess?” You kiss her forehead. “I’m just-I’m just sorry, okay?”

“I know,” she whispers and you head towards your door.

“I’m gonna jump in the shower. I won’t be long.”

“Okay.” Her voice is battered by emotion. It’s low and scratched and bleeds against you. You know the poem, word for word and recite it to yourself as you lean against the wall for a few moments.

_I hold flowers that wilt_

_into ashes in my hands._

_I bury them. Water them_

_with tears that are too acidic_

_for anything but destruction_

_and wish, wish that I_

_could build meadows instead_

_of forests for my princess_

_to wade through._

_You climb towers and I_

_climb into space where_

_oxygen is sparse_

_and you're too grounded to reach._

When you enter the room, she’s curled up under your blanket, poem clutched in her grasp and fast asleep. You see tear stains and walk over, wiping them away as best you can with your thumbs. You kiss her forehead.

 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper before climbing in next to her and leaving space, leaving a void between you both.

 

At some point during the night, you awake to her curling herself around your body and smile before drifting off back to sleep where she’s yours and you can love her in all the ways you want to.

 

—

You walk into school, one arm looped with Oliver’s and the other, holding hands with Amy. It’s nice to have them both here, without one disappearing. He’s been checking up on throughout the weekend and you’re so happy he cares enough to do that. That’s why you kiss his cheek and mutter a ‘thank you’, despite the strange looks both he and Amy throw your way.

“You’re welcome?” You nod your head before turning to Amy and just watch. You don’t know why but lately, all you want to do is look at her, see her and everything she is. She notices and blushes and you can’t help the smirk that comes across your face. You kiss her cheek, too.

“Thanks for everything, princess,” you whisper before letting go of them both. “See ya after class, guys.” You wave and they both stand there looking at you for a moment before you turn and head off.

Before you know it, you’re heading back home alone but you’re not as tired, not as exhausted as you have been for so long. You don’t know what changed but everything feels easier. You can breathe again. You can breathe again until you can’t, until you get that phone call from Amy, until you have to try and be the best friend you can be and help her fix things with Reagan.

“She’s just so pissed off with me? What did I do? I just wanted to spend time with you and I see her so much. I didn’t know it’d upset her this much.” She talks faster and faster the more stressed she gets.

“Did you explain that? Explain that it was special to us…maybe not the anniversary bit?” You bite your lip and rub your necklace you put back on, yesterday. You’re glad she isn’t there to see your nervous tick.

“Not really. I didn’t think it was any of her business.”

“Aims, you’re her business. You’re her girlfriend. Why don’t you take her out? Or do something special for her? Show her you’re sorry you upset her but remind her that you will spend time with other people. And I don’t mean just me. I mean Shane and all your other friends.”

“Oh. Good idea. I should go-go and try…plan or something. Thanks so much, Karms. I’ll call or text you later and let you know how it goes.”

“Okay, Aims. Good luck. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

You hope you were a good friend. You hope your suggestion helps but you also hope that it doesn’t. You want her so bad but you don’t want to hurt her and it hurts you so much. Why do you have to feel like this? Why do you have to love her? Why did you not realise sooner? You can’t but find it ironic that your name’s Karma.

You head straight to your bed and burrow under the blankets, the blankets that still smell of her, still smell of home. That smell, that smell and your exhaustion eases you into a deep sleep, a deep sleep you hope you never wake from.


	5. You Make Me Wanna

**Chapter 5: You Make Me Wanna – Usher**

_‘Before anything came between us_

_you were like my best friend._

_The one I used to run to when me and my_

_girl was having problems._

_You used to say it would be okay,_

_suggest little nice things I should do._

_And when I come home at night and lay my head down_

_all I seem to think about is you.’_

Everything aches in the morning but Amy is snuggled into you so you don’t dare move. Not yet. Your alarm for school hasn’t gone off yet so you’ll lie here, lie in your bed and soak in her presence.

The light stings your eyes until they begin to water a little and your head feels claustrophobic, too full, like your thoughts are pushing your skull and tearing it at the seams but you stay.

Amy snuggles even closer, head buried in the crook of your neck.

“Morning,” she whispers against your neck and you shiver as her breath tickles.

“Good Morning, Sunshine.” She sits up, eyes still a little puffy from crying last night and something inside of you shifts, digs deeper and sharper than before.

You stroke her cheek and she looks softly at you. You wish your words weren’t always so sharp. You wish you knew how to be more like paper and less like rock.

“Don’t,” she says as you open your mouth. “It’s okay.” You shake your head.

“No it isn’t but okay.” You both jump as your alarm goes off. “Time for school.” She groans and covers her face with a pillow.

“No. Can’t we just skip?”

“No, Princess, we can’t. Now c’mon, time to get up.” You pull the blankets off of her and keep pushing her until she moves.

“You’re so lucky I love you’re annoying ass.”

“And you’re so lucky I look out for your education, idiot.”

“Right.” She rolls her eyes. “Of course. My grades are a direct result of you.”

“Exactly. Now move.” You pat of her on the butt and she narrows her eyes at you.

“I cannot believe you just did that. This beast of a feminist should kick your ass for that.” You smirk.

“Mhmm but the best friend in you will let it slide and get ready. We can’t be late.”

“Who says that?”

“Me.” Something in her changes. Her smile dulls a little and you wonder why.

“Okay. Give me five.” She turns and you pull her back by her arm.

“What’s up, Aims?”

“Nothing.” She shrugs. “I’m just gonna get ready for school.” You narrow your eyes and don’t stop looking at her. She looks around the room but her eyes keep landing on you. She looks down and taps her arm on the wall. “I just-I just-I’m scared. This weekend was good and I’m scared that everything with fuck up again. And I’m scared you just want to get away from me.” You pull her close and wrap your arms around her, kissing her cheek.

“You’re so stupid. I don’t ever want to leave you.” And you don’t. You’d give anything to keep her close by, to kiss and touch and love her like you want. The words are on the tip of your tongue but you swallow them down until they burn away in your stomach. “And I’m scared, too,” you whisper. “I don’t want to lose you. And since we don’t want to lose each other, we’ll make sure it doesn’t happen, right?”

“Right.” She takes a deep breath. “Right.” She steps back. “I should get ready then.”

“No.” She frowns. “YOLO, right? Let’s skip.”

“But I thought you wanted to go.”

“I’d rather spend my day with you, Princess.” She smiles. “Now let’s have some fun.” Amy dives onto your bed and climbs under the blankets.

“Let’s go back to sleep, then.” You roll your eyes and lift up the blanket to tickle her feet. She squirms and kicks and tries to keep away but you know her well. “Stop, stop.” You’re both laughing.

“I said let’s go have some fun not let’s go back to bed, lazy girl.” You don’t let up and she writhes across your bed. You briefly wonder what kind of writhing she would do if you got to love her like you want, but you let the thought go and climb on top of her, attacking her ribs.

“Fine, fine, fine,” she chokes out, laughing. “Fine, we can go do…something. Just stop.” And so you do. You cheeks feel sore from the smile and laughter that’s just consumed you. Nobody makes you laugh, nobody makes you happy quite like her. You pat her leg.

“Okay. So, what’re we gonna do?” She raises an eyebrow at you. You look as innocent as possible by biting your lip, wrapping your arms around yourself and looking down. She sighs.

“C’mon, stupid.” She pushes you. “If I can’t sleep, let’s eat, right?” You smirk. “I meant breakfast, idiot.” She grabs your hand and pulls you towards the kitchen. “Since when did you get such a dirty mind? You laugh, wholeheartedly.

“Since you became my best friend.”

“I’m pretty sure you weren’t this bad when we were five.”

“No, definitely not but I’m still blaming you.” Amy pushes you and you catch yourself on the side and moan in pain.

“Ouch. That hurt.”

“Sorry, Karms.” She walks over to you and puts an arm around your shoulder. “C’mon, food will make you feel better.”

“Of course it will.” You smirk, still rubbing your side and Amy rolls her eyes.

~~~~~

After breakfast, you spend the day just watching, a lying and just being with Amy. Luckily, your parents have disappeared like usual for the day and of course, Zen is never home.

She’s the only person you can be like this with. Liam, Oliver, everyone else would have to take you somewhere or you’d have to be doing something but with Amy, you can just lie there and be. Well, you can just be until Amy’s phone keeps going off, until she keeps frowning and looks upset.

“What’s up?”

“She’s just so pissed off with me? What did I do? I just wanted to spend time with you and I see her so much. I didn’t know it’d upset her this much.” She talks faster and faster the more stressed she gets. “I mean, we’re best friends.” She shrugs.

“Did you explain that? Explain that it was special to us…maybe not the anniversary bit?” You bite your lip and rub your necklace you put back on, yesterday. You’re glad she’s looking down and doesn’t see your nervous tick. She’d immediately know something was wrong.

“Not really. I didn’t think it was any of her business.”

“Aims, you’re her business. You’re her girlfriend. Why don’t you take her out? Or do something special for her? Show her you’re sorry you upset her but remind her that you will spend time with other people. And I don’t mean just me. I mean Shane and all your other friends.

“Just tell her we always spend this weekend together, it’s a tradition for us. Why don’t you try and start a tradition with her so she doesn’t feel left out.”

“Oh. Good idea. I should go-go and try…plan or something. Thanks so much, Karms. I’ll call or text you later and let you know how it goes.”

“Okay, Aims. Good luck. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” She hugs you and then she’s gone. And you’re alone.

You call Oliver and he comes.

“Where were you today?” You shrug.

“Spent the day with Amy.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” You look down and he slings an arm over your shoulder. You know it’s unhealthy, to cling to him so much but he’s so safe and you know you’ll always be just friends. No complications.

You rest your head on his shoulder.

“What’s up?”

“I-I’m trying to let her go and be a good friend but it’s so hard sometimes, y’know?” You don’t even cry anymore, just sit next to Oliver and lean against him. “Her and Reagan are fighting and I was trying to help her fix things, y’know, because that’s what friends do but it hurts. It hurts to help her be with someone else.”

“I know.” You sigh.

“This is stupid. Why the fuck can’t I just get over her?” The blood in your veins turns to fire and you want to destroy, to break something. You pull away and scream into a pillow instead and Oliver just sits there and rubs your back.

“It’s not easy to get over someone and it’s not like you chose this. It’s not like any of us choose to like the people we do. It’s okay, Karms, it’s okay.” You lean back and look at him, throwing a sympathetic smile his way.

“How do you do it?” He frowns. “How do you stand by and watch the person you’re in love with be with other people?” He wipes his glasses on his shirt and turns away to hide the blush you catch a glimpse of.

“I’m lucky, y’know? I get to love-love someone…a lot.” He shrugs. “I just want her happy and so I do everything I can to make sure that happens. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?” He looks at you, a pleading look on his face. You swallow and nod.

“I wish I was more like you.”

“You are. You helped her, even if you didn’t want to and instead of being selfish, instead of forcing her to choose, you keep your mouth shut and cry to me.” Guilt gnaws away in your stomach.

“I’m sorry.” You shrug. “I know you’re going through some stuff, too. You can talk to me, too, y’know?”

“I do know.” A small smile spreads across his face. “You’d probably understand more than anyone but I’m okay. You’re the one struggling at the moment and you’re the one that needs me so I’m here. And so is Cait if you ever need her.”

“I know.”

“So, I was thinking. Cait wants to go to another party this weekend.” You smirk.

“You didn’t strike me as such a party goer.”

“I’m not but someone has to look after her.” You scoff and nod your head in agreement. “Anyways, why don’t you come with us? We can see what’s out there and you might get to have some fun with someone.” You roll your eyes and nudge him.

“Maybe I don’t want to have fun with just someone.”

“I didn’t mean it like that but you might surprise yourself. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone, right?” A laugh erupts from deep within your stomach.

“Is that what you’re going to do?” He blushes and looks away.

“That’s different. I have to look out for the two of you and drive you guys home.” You shake your head.

“You don’t have to, Ol. We may be girls but we can look after ourselves.”

“I know, I know. I didn’t mean it—”

“Like that. I know, I know.”

“I just feel better keeping an eye on you both, just in case.” You look at him for a few moments and take in the excessive fidgeting and how he seems to squirm under your gaze, even though he’s not looking at you.

“I know.” You place an arm on his bicep. “I appreciate it a lot, I do but don’t you want to have some fun?”

“I do. I might not get drunk but it’s pretty entertaining watching everyone embarrass themselves and stuff, y’know?”

“Fair enough.”

“Yeah. So…you in?”

“Why not.” He throws an arm around you.

“Thatta girl.” You laugh before looking down and feeling sadness over come you, once again. “It’s okay, don’t be sad. She’s in your life and she loves you and now you’ve got me and Cait, too and we care.”

“I know.” You raise a hand and pat his chest a few times. “You’re the best.”

He smiles and you copy him.

~~~~~

He’s still throwing smiles your way, the next morning at school.

You’re guessing Amy’s plans, whatever they were, worked because she hasn’t texted and you’ve just caught a glance of her. She looks happy. She looks happy and it’s not because of you.

You look away and Oliver gives you a hug.

“Good morning, Sunshine.”

“Morning, Ol.”

“How’re you feeling?” You sigh before deciding this is it, this is it. You can’t have her, you’ll move on and find someone you can have, someone worth your time (unlike Liam).

“You know what? I’m good.” You hold your head high and Oliver looks at you for a few moments, frown in place before it morphs into a smile.

“Good. So, let’s head to class. We good to meet at lunch?”

“Of course. Is Cait joining us today?” He shrugs.

“I don’t know…probably.” You smile. Today’s a new day and you won’t let things get you down, not today.

Amy walks over to you both as you head to class.

“Hey, guys. How’s it going?” You smile.

“It’s going good.” Oliver nods his head next to you. She looks at him and you notice the way she tenses just a little, the way her smile dims just a little.

You loop your arm with his.

“We’re heading to class, you joining us?”

“Sure-sure,” she says and you loop your arm through hers.

You turn to Oliver and kiss his cheek, whispering a ‘thank you for everything’ in his ear. He blushes a little and looks down.

“You’re welcome?” You nod your head and smile before turning to Amy and just watch. She’s looking down, smile long gone and you feel something twist inside you. She’s your best friend and she’s feeling left out and so you kiss her cheek, too. She blushes but a small smile appears and she looks at you. You look softly at her and see everything that matters, everything that means anything to you standing right there, right in front of you.

“Thanks for everything, Princess. This weekend was the best.” You squeeze her arm a little tighter and use your thumb to rub her lower arm.

You walk in silence for a few moments before you notice where you are.

“Well, this is me.” You all stop and they both look at you. “Thanks for walking me to class, guys. I’ll see you later.” You throw a wave at both of them before taking a breath and walking away.

“I’ll see you at lunch,” Oliver shouts in your direction and you turn and nod in his direction. Amy stands there, arms around herself and you smile at her.

“I’ll see you at lunch, too?” She smiles and nods her head in agreement. You wink and walk into class with a smile on your face.


	6. Thinkin' 'Bout You

**Chapter 6: Thinkin' ‘Bout You – Frank Ocean**

_‘Yes, of course, I remember, how could I forget? How you feel?_

_You know, you were my first time, a new feel._

_And it won't ever get old, not in my soul not in my spirit, keep it alive._

_We'll go down this road 'til it turns from color to black and white._

_Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)_

_'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever. (Oooh)’_

“So how’d things go with Reagan?” you ask, tearing apart the food in front of you. She smiles and Oliver throws a sad smile your way.

“It was good. We’re good. Thursday’s are our night, now.” You smile and hope it’s believable but it doesn’t matter, Amy’s looking down at her phone smiling.

“That’s good. That’s really good, Aims.”

“Yeah,” Oliver cuts in. “Oh, before I forget, we’ll pick you up around 10 Saturday, okay?”

“Sure. I’m looking forward to it. How’s Cait? I haven’t spoken to her in a while.”

“She’s good but I’d suggest you call her soon.” He smirks at you. “I think she’s missed having a girl around to talk to.” You smile and try to think when you can call her, when you can talk to her and say thanks for her keeping your secrets, even from Oliver.

“I will.”

“Speak of the Devil,” Oliver says, looking behind you. You turn and notice Cait walking towards you.

“Hey, sexy beasts.” Everyone throws a ‘hi’ her way and Amy looks at her confused, amused but confused. “Where’ve you been hiding?” she says, sitting next to you and nudging you with her elbow.

“I’ve been spending time with Amy.”

“Yeah, sorry I stole her back for a few days.” Cait smiles.

“No worries since you brought her back in tip top condition. You’re looking good, Mama.” She shimmies in front of you before leaning in for a hug. “Just don’t forget to text me sometimes so I know you’re alive.”

“Sorry, I got distracted.” You catch sight of Amy’s frown turning into a smirk that matches the one on Caitlyn’s face. Oliver blushes with a grin in place. “Not like that, idiots.” Everyone starts to chuckle and you feel at peace, you feel happy with the three friends that matter to you surrounding you.

“Hey, ladies, Oliver,” Shane says, nodding to each of you as he sits next to Amy.

“Hi. Oh, this is Shane, Shane this is Caitlyn. She’s a friend of mine and Oliver’s.”

“Oh, it’s so nice to meet you. I haven’t seen you around here before.”

“Yeah, I don’t go to school here. I just drop in to check on my two Bae’s.”

“Bae?” Oliver questions and you look at him with an equally confused expression on your face. She rolls her eyes, mirroring Shane’s expression and you catch Amy smirking and smile at the sight.

Everything runs smoothly, everything is okay until he sits down next to Oliver. You feel the tension around the table and want to run, want to escape and breathe and leave but you don’t. You don’t because everyone needs to move on from this, everyone needs to see that you and Liam aren’t anything anymore.

“Hey guys,” he says. Amy squares her shoulders and bites her teeth together.

“Hey, Lee. How’re you doing?” Shane says, trying to diffuse the tension by pretending everything is normal.

“I’m good. I’ve just been busy with school and art and stuff.”

“Cool.” Caitlyn sits, confused at where the tension is coming from. You should have told her this part of the story but you didn’t think she’d need to know. Oliver looks at you and you can see how concerned he is. You swallow down your fear and clear your throat.

“How’s the artwork going?”

“Good, good.”

“That’s good.” You smile and it looks much more like a grimace.

“How’s the music going?” he asks and everyone just sits in silence, listening.

“Really well. I’ve been writing a lot, y’know? And it’s just…yeah, it’s going well.”

“Good.”

“Yeah. Well, I should go-yeah, should go. It was nice meeting you, Cait and nice catching up with you all.” He looks at you for a few moments and you see, you finally see that he’s not as bad, as horrible as people think. He’s just a guy trying to do his best but getting it wrong a lot. You smile. “I’m glad you’re doing so well, Karma. I can’t wait until I buy your music and tell my grandchildren about this famous girl I used to go to school with.” You’re still smiling and you wish, you wish you didn’t hurt him and he didn’t ruin things between you and Amy. If that had never happened, you could’ve been such good friends.

“Thank you. It means a lot. I’m glad your artwork is going well. I’m sure you’ll make it big time.” He smiles and walks away and it feels as if everyone can breathe again now. Amy looks at you with a weird look on her face but you just smile and shrug and so she smiles back.

Everyone dives back into conversation and you just soak in the lightness of the moment.

Maybe things will be okay. Maybe you can really get over her now.

—

Time slips passed you so much, lately.

It’s already Saturday. You’re at a party and god knows whose house with Oliver and Cait. You pull down the dark green dress that’s currently riding up your thigh before looking around, making sure nobody saw you.

You catch Cait smirking at you, eyes sparkling in amusement and stick your tongue out at her. She smiles and grabs your hand, pulling you along with her.

“Stop fidgeting, Poison Ivy and let’s go have some fun.” She pulls you towards a wall and Oliver follows. “Wait here and I’ll come back with drinks for us all.” You both stand there, wearily looking around the room. You smile as you think of how much Oliver stands out. His white pressed shirt and dark jeans a stark contrast to the t-shirts and shorts the other guys in the room are wearing.

You take in the sights. The night is in full swing. Hips are grinding, music is blasting and alcohol is spilling over. For a moment you’re unsure before you decide, fuck it, you want to have fun, you want to enjoy yourself and forget all the heartache, all the sadness you’ve been carrying around. Amy is moving on so why can’t you try? Why can’t you have some fun and just let go.

“Hey, Karma,” Liam says, standing beside you and making you jump. You wonder how he always manages to be at the same parties as you, how he always manages to be everywhere when you just want to forget.

“Hey.” It’s slightly awkward and Oliver moves closer to you.

“You look good,” he says, taking another sip of the unknown substance in his cup.

“Thanks.”

“What’re you doing here?”

“Just parting. Having fun, y’know?” He nods his head a couple times and notices Oliver’s protective stance next to you. Oliver who has his hand on your arm and stands facing Liam.

“Nice to see you again, Oliver.”

“Good to see you.” It doesn’t sound believable to anyone but at least he’s making the effort to be civil to Liam. You know Oliver blames Liam for some of what happened and you kind of feel bad. You know everything is really your fault.

“I better go find Shane, save him from getting in trouble or something. It was good seeing you. Have a good night, guys.” He turns and walks away, getting lost in a myriad of people and you exhale in relief. Now you can let go, now you can have fun.

“Was that Liam I just saw?” Cait asks, carrying three cups that have liquid spilling over the edges. You take two out of her hands and hand one to Oliver. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, he just said hi and left.”

“Oh, cool.” She sips her drink and you and Oliver copy her.

Before you know it, your cup is empty and you still feel parched.

“Let’s go get another drink.” Oliver throws you a look you can’t quite decipher. “I’m just loosening up, having some fun, Ol.” You grab his face in your hand and laugh at the way his lips pout. “You should, too. Right, Cait?”

“Amen to that. Loosen up, Ol. Come have some fun with us ladies.” He smiles and obligingly follows you both to get more drinks.

—

Before you know, you’re beyond tipsy and you know, you know that the alcohol is why you’re doing this, why you’re pressed against this girl with your hands on her hips but you don’t care, you don’t care because it feels good. God does it feel good to feel her softness, her gentleness, her feminine curves that are under your command. It’s so different, so different from the hard contours you’re used to. It’s like silk and you vaguely acknowledge that maybe Amy isn’t just an exception, maybe you like girls, too. Of course you still like guys but everything feels so different, incomparable, nice. It just feels so nice.

The music gets it’s inside of you. Melodies extend through the fingers as your arms wrap themselves around her and stroke her skin _._ You’re not even really sure who ‘her’ is but you know you like this.

She pulls your hips closer, creating a steady rhythm of push and pull between your bodies. Your hips moving and swaying with hers, the friction creating a delicious tension that creates goosebumps all over your skin. You’re heating up but you don’t know if it’s because of her or because it’s just that hot in here.

You run your hands up her hips, up her sides and wrap one hand around her neck, the other tangled in her blonde hair.

She kisses your neck. You never realised a kiss could be so different, so gentle, so soft, so mind numbingly delicious that shivers run down your spine. Your breathing becomes heavy. She takes your hand and leads you away from the dance floor and you find yourself with your back to the wall.

The kissing doesn’t stop.

It’s just so…different. Different from Liam’s rough kisses, different from Amy’s tentative ones. It’s hard, but not too hard with just enough passion for enjoyment. There’s no love here and you love it. There’s no pressure, no judgement, no anything but pure animalistic pleasure and for once, you find something other than music and Amy to thrive off of.

She runs a hand over your skin and it settles on your ass as she pulls your hips closer but you don’t care.

You don’t care that Shane and Liam have probably seen the show you’re giving, you don’t care that everyone here might gossip and question you. You don’t care because why should you? You’re young, you’re having fun and it just feels so good.

Somebody taps your arm and you hear the mystery girl groan.

“What?” Her voice is gravel and dust and it rains over you. You love the husky tone to it. It’s not as perfect as Amy’s voice but it’s nice, sensual.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Oliver says. “But it’s time for us to go, Karms,” he says, lightly grabbing your arm and encouraging you to move. His jaw is tense, everything about him looks a little tense. You smile.

“Loosen up, Ol. It’s party time, right?” He smiles indulgently at you.

“Yeah, it was party time but now it’s home time.”

“Hey, she doesn’t have to leave if she doesn’t want to,” mystery girl says, brushes your hair behind your ear. You look at Oliver a few seconds longer, trying to will the dizziness away.

“It’s okay. He’s my ride home and I should leave now, anyways.” You turn to face the girl and offer and smile. She smiles back and you like how pretty her brown eyes are, how bright and shiny they are. You can see glimpses of Amy in her but you know she’s not her. You smile. This could be just the distraction you need.  “I hope to see you again, Diamond eyes.” She smiles and bites her lip.

“Oh you will see me again if I have any say in it.” She winks and you giggle. You catch sight of Oliver looking away, trying to be respectful even though he’s embarrassed. You giggle again.

You begin to walk away before you feel a soft hand, gently tug at your arm.

“Hey, pretty girl,” diamond eyes says, smiling at you. “Give me your cell, I’ll give you my number.” You look at her for a few moments and notice once again how good she looks. Blue is certainly her colour as her dress clings to her curves.

You absentmindedly bite your lip and inhale.

“Sure, here ya go.” You hand over your phone and watch as she puts her number in. Once she hands it back, you look and see her name’s Danny.

“It was good to meet you,” she kisses you cheek. “Get home safe.” She turns and walks away. You admire the sway of her hips and remember what they feel like in your hands. She looks back and throws a wink your way before disappearing.

Oliver coughs.

“So, let’s go?” You look at him for a few moments. The alcohol is wearing off but you still feel pretty good. You notice his frown deepen, the way his jaw clenches tight once again.

“What’s up, Ol? This was your idea. Get over someone by getting under someone, right?”

“I know.” He holds his hands up at face level and shrugs. “Liam.” He sighs. “Liam saw you guys dancing. He was gonna walk over but I stopped him.” He shrugs again. You’re completely sober now. You knew Liam or Shane would see. You knew it. But it’s only now that you care, only now that you realise the consequences. What if Amy finds out? What if she gets angry? What if other people find out?

“Oh.”

“Yeah. He didn’t look too happy but it doesn’t matter. You had a good time, I had a good time, Cait had a good time.” You look around for her but you don’t see her.

“Where is she?”

“She’s in the car, waiting.” You’re grateful he’s here. You’re grateful he looks after you all so well.

“Sorry, Ol,” you say, sheepishly.

“S’okay but I think we should head home. It’s 3am already and I’m tired.” He looks embarrassed but you just wrap an arm around him and head out.

“Let’s go home. My feet are killing me.” You’ve danced for hours, they really do hurt. You lean on him as you whip your shoes off and begin walking, bare foot to the car.

Oliver drives you both home. You feel bad. He always stays sober, always does things to cheer you up and you left him all night.

“I really am sorry.” You yawn. “I shouldn’t have disappeared all night.”

“It’s fine. I knew where you were and you were enjoying yourself. That was the point, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. So, what did you get up to?”

“Danced with a few girls, danced with Cait.” He nods to the rear of the car, never taking his eyes off the road. You turn and notice the brunette, head tossed against the window as she lightly snores. You scoff.

“Classy as ever.” You both laugh. “So you and little lady there had a dance, eh?” He blushes and doesn’t respond. “Did you show her your sexy moves? Show her how those hips work?” He coughs and doesn’t say a thing, his blush deepening and you laugh. You laugh and it feels real and comes from deep within your stomach.

Today has been a good day. No matter what happens, today has been good.

“It was good to just have fun and let go a little, y’know?” He asks, glancing at you before focusing on the road again.

“Yeah, I get you.”

“So, anyways, enough about me and Cait. What about you and your lady friend?” You smile and look away for a moment, formulating your response. You didn’t talk much but you think you could be pretty good friends. She made you laugh more than once and she has a damn nice body to look at, to feel.

“She’s nice.”

“Nice? Is that all you have to say?”

“I don’t really know what to say. We talked, we danced, we had fun. That was the point, right?”

“Right.” He nods his head in agreement and stops the car outside your house. He nudges you with his elbow. “So, you’re a real lady lover, eh?” He always knows how to make you laugh.

“Kinda? Maybe? I don’t know. I liked how she made me feel, I like how Amy makes me feel but I also liked Liam, too, y’know?”

“Ah. So you like both, huh?”

“Maybe.” You shrug. “I guess it doesn’t matter, anymore. I’m single and my parents and Amy will accept me no matter what so…I guess I should just have…fun?”

He smiles and hugs you as well as he can within the confines of the car.

“I’m glad you had a good night, Karms. Sleep well.”

“Night, Ol. Thanks for everything. You’re the best.” You kiss his cheek before getting out of the car. “Tell Cait I had a good time, too.” You slam the door shut and head towards your house.

Once you’re at your door, you wave at him before entering your house. You lean against the door and smile. Tonight has been a very good night.

—

“What the fuck?”

You knew it. You knew she would find out but you didn’t expect it to be so soon. Your head is pounding and the sunlight burns a little.

“What?” Your voice is much more hoarse than usual. You need water. You mouth tastes disgusting and you feel disgusting but you briefly smile as some of the memories from last night come back. You smile until you realise how furious Amy looks right now.

“So you’re making out with random girls now?” You groan and try to burrow deeper into your pillow. She pulls your blankets off. You turn and glare angrily at her.

“Hey, I was comfortable.” She stands at the side of your bed, arms crossed and not a smile in sight. You sigh. “Fine. I kissed a girl, yes.”

“I heard you did more than that.” You groan in response. “Why? I thought you were straight. You can’t play with people like that just because you drank too much.” You look away.

“I thought I was, too and I’m not playing with anyone. It’s nothing serious.”

“So what? You’re just gonna go ‘round experimenting with everyone?”

“Isn’t that what you did?” She growls.

“That’s fucking different and you know it.”

“Why does it bother you so much, anyway? You have Reagan.” You wish she didn’t but she does and you’re accepting that, you’re moving on for her sake, can’t she see that?

“Because.”

“Because?” you encourage her. You reach for her hand and pull her to lay on the bed with you. Even though you feel disgusting, even though you don’t really want anyone near you, you know she needs this, needs this physical connection to help calm her down.

“Because I’m your best friend and you’re changing and I have to find everything out from other people.”

“Princess—“

“No. You don’t tell me stuff. You hurt yourself and don’t tell me why, you spend all your time with Oliver and other people and now, now the things I thought I knew about you are changing and you don’t talk to me about them.” She sighs. “I bet you talked to Oliver, though, right?”

“Aims. It’s not like that.”

“Then tell me.”

“I-I can’t.” She climbs off your bed and begins to walk away before she turns and faces you.

“You know what? Fuck you, Karma. Let me know when you care.”

“I do care.” She scoffs. You climb over your blankets and stand in front of her. Your arms are on her shoulder, gripping her tighter than you mean too. “I do fucking care about you. That’s exactly why I can’t tell you and besides, you broke my trust so maybe it’s good I’ve found somebody else to confide in.” You note the crease in her brow and know she’s confused and furious. You know it’s a bad excuse, it sounds lame, even to you but you have to do something. You don’t want to hurt her even more. “I just can’t tell you.” You exhale and it feels like everything just leaves you. She reaches out and lifts your face to hers.

“I know I fucked up. Believe me, you don’t have to tell me but I thought we were better than this. You can’t tell me shit just because of a mistake, a mistake you know I’ll never do again.” She deflates and it breaks your heart. “You can tell me, I promise. It’s just me, your best friend, your soul mate.” She smiles a watery smile.

“I-I.” You begin to cry and feel weaker than you ever have. Not even when Greg was bullying you in first grade and Amy had to come save you did you feel this weak. You have to tell her or you’ll lose her but if you tell her, you might lose her anyway. You cannot win and you hate it. You sigh and finally realise that you’ve been fighting a losing battle all along. She was always going to find out because she knows you, she knows everything about you and you can’t stop it now. “I-I’m in love with you,” you whisper and hope she doesn’t hear. She freezes and you know she did. “I’m sorry. I’ll get over it, it’s okay. I’m not asking for anything, that’s why I didn’t tell you and Oliver’s been helping, Cait too. And we went to that party last night to help me move on and it was nice, it was nice kissing that girl…even though she wasn’t you but that’s not the point. And I need to go shower so it doesn’t matter. We can talk later.” You walk away as fast as you can and she’s still standing there, face blank and frozen still.

She’s sitting on your bed when you come back, refreshed from the shower and weighed down by the tears.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” she says. You sit next to her and both look ahead for a little while.

“I’m sorry. I know you have Reagan, that’s why I didn’t say anything, y’know? I just didn’t want to upset you like this.” You play with your fingers as a distraction.

“It’s okay. I get it.” She’s still so quite. You don’t like it.

“Have I messed everything up? I just didn’t want to lose you? Talk to me, Aims, please?” She reaches out and stops you playing with your fingers. She still doesn’t look at you but she holds your hand.

“I don’t-I don’t know what to do, what to say.” She faces you and crumbles. You pull her close and lie down with her as she cries.

“Shh. It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything. Nothing has to change, okay? This is us. We can get through anything.” You thought you knew heartbreak when you found out Amy slept with Liam but it’s nothing like seeing her hurting so much because of you. You kiss her temple. “It’s okay, everything will be okay, I promise.” You begin to sing quietly to her, tears in both your eyes, until she begins to calm down.

It’s quiet for so long, you think she might have fallen asleep but then she leans back and looks at you with a look you can’t decipher.

“What’s wro—” She leans forward and kisses you. She climbs on top and you become hypersensitive to everything about her. The way this kiss is harder, more passionate, more consuming than all of the others. The way her body glides across your skin and makes you feel more electric than anyone or anything else before.

You thought kissing Danny, kissing Liam was good. It’s incomparable to this. The way she feels against you, the way your heart beats triple time, the way you’d be happy to die in this moment.

But you know, you know this is hurting her and you can’t do that and so you push her away. She frowns at you.

“Isn’t this wh—”

“Reagan,” you whisper. “Don’t fuck things up with her because of me.” You rest your forehead on hers. “It’s not worth it.”

“You are.”

“No, Princess.” You swallow the lump that’s threatening to tear you apart, down. “Just think about things. You’re just shocked, now.” She sighs.

“I know. Sometimes I forget how well you know me.” You laugh.

“Well, I’ll never forget how well I know you.” You pull her down and hug her. She somehow manages to move around under your grip and place her head on your chest.

“I love you.”

“And I love you.” You’re torn. You want to smile because now she knows the truth of those words but that’s exactly why you want to cry.

You both know the truth.

Amy belongs to someone else. 


	7. No Angel

**Chapter 7: No Angel – Beyoncé**

_‘No, I'm not an angel either, but at least I'm trying._

_I know I drive you crazy, but would you rather that I be a machine_

_Who doesn't notice when you late or when you're lying?_

_I love you even more than who I thought you were before.’_

You find yourself at a fairground a few nights later. You wonder how you always manage to get yourself in these awkward situations but you can’t figure it out.

Amy is next to you, holding Reagan’s hand and sneaking curious glances at you. You both haven’t spoken anymore about that night but you know you need to, at some point. You both can’t keep burying these things and hoping for the best.

Danny is next to you being her charming self, arm thrown over your shoulder. You wish you could feel for her half of what you feel for Amy but you know, you know that Amy is the only one for you. Nobody else could ever compare, nobody else could match the years upon years that have bridged the gap between you until you became one, became soul mates.

“So, Karma, Ferris Wheel first or last?” Danny asks, breaking the awkward silence between you both. Reagan relaxes and Amy doesn’t take her eyes off of you.

“Last.” Amy responds before you can and just shrugs at the frown on Reagan’s face.

“Yeah, she’s right. So, hey, I’m hungry, why don’t we go eat?” you say, responding to the weird look Danny throws your way and pointing to a place in front of you. You head towards it without waiting for a response but catch sight of the smug look on Amy’s face.

You guess you’re not the only one that gets jealous easily.

The others follow and you really wish you weren’t here. This was such a bad idea and you shouldn’t have let Danny talk you into it. But you wanted to show Reagan that you’re moving on. You wanted to show Amy that she doesn’t have to pick you, doesn’t have to lose someone who’s so much better than you.

Reagan is stunning. She’s clever, she’s funny, she’s carefree…she’s everything you’re not and never could be. You’re not surprised Amy likes her so much and that’s why you’re making an effort. That’s why you’re trying to be the bigger person and not get in the way of their relationship, even if Amy makes it so difficult for you. You’re immature, you’re insecure and you know Amy doesn’t need that in her life beyond friendship, no matter what she thinks. 

You exhale and breathe in the sweet smell of food. Amy loves this place and you know it.

You find an empty table and before you know what’s happening, Amy sits down beside you. Reagan rolls her eyes and sits opposite Amy and Danny just sits down with a shrug and begins to read the menu.

 “So, Karma says you’re a DJ?” Danny says.

“Yeah.” They turn their bodies to face each other. You wish you had a voice as sexy as Reagan’s. That husky tone really is something.

“That’s pretty cool. I’m in a band. Music’s a big thing for me.” You fully tune into the conversation as soon as music is mentioned and try to participate.

“Oh, what kind of music do you play?” you say, excited as ever to find a fellow musician.

“All kinds. You have to listen to everything to find what you like, right?” She turns to speak more to Reagan but you’re completely distracted by the hand running up your leg, dangerously close to where you want it, dangerously close to being indecent. You place your hand on top of Amy’s and hold it there. Warmth is spreading from your thigh through every inch of your skin.

This is wrong. She shouldn’t be doing this and you shouldn’t allow but you know you’re defences are already weakening. You can’t resist the love of your short life.

You take a deep breath and turn to her with a questioning frown. She moves her hand away, slowly as Danny begins to talk to her but you notice the smile clearly thrown in your direction. Reagan is frowning and you wonder if she knows, even though the moment was hidden behind the table.

You shift in your seat and try to stop your skin from blushing. You’ve never been good with awkward, never been good with hiding stuff and now you’re forced to do it so often.

Why is Amy doing this? You’re trying to be good, trying to be the best person you can be for her but she won’t let you.

“Hey, idiot. What do you want to eat? Chicken burger, salad and mayo with a water, like usual?” Amy says, smiling softly in your direction and halting your thoughts. You smile awkwardly.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“Okay, well, me and Amy will go order food,” Danny says, nodding her head in the direction of the counter. You watch them both walk, side by side and can’t help noting the differences. They’re not each other and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this will help you move on.

You sigh and begin to play with the corners of the menu, trying to think of something to say, something to do to relieve the tension between you both.

“How’s work been?” you ask and internally groan and Reagan just smirks.

“Same as usual. Can’t complain…too much.” You smile. This is something. You’re both talking and not arguing with one another. Progress has been made, even though the night hasn’t ended and there’s so much that could go wrong.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.” You continue playing with the menu until you spot it and freeze. “Oh, no.” Reagan looks around, confused and you scramble to get up and to get to Amy.

You’re breathless by the time you reach her and she throws a confused look your way when you begin to pull her by the arms. You feel her tense and you know, you know that’s when she spotted the big red shoes, the big red hair, the big red nose. You need to get her out…she really, really doesn’t like clowns.

Reagan is still sitting in her seat and Danny is standing by the counter, frown in place and ordering food for you all.

You don’t care that you look a little crazy, that you look a little flustered. Amy needs you to get her out of here, she needs you to protect her for once and by God, you’re going to do it.

You keep pulling on her arm but she’s frozen, eyes wide and shaking. You hold her face in your hands and begin to softly talk to her.

“C’mon, princess. Just focus on me and we’ll get out of her, yeah?” She nods but makes no effort to move. “C’mon,” you say, encouraging her. You rub her cheek with one of your thumbs and move the other one down to hold her hand and begin walking backwards to the door. “That’s it.” She follows, on auto-pilot.

You can almost feel the glare Reagan must be throwing your way but you don’t care. You only have eyes for Amy. Nobody else matters, not when she needs you like this.

You relax as you exit the place. You feel the tension leave Amy and she exhales for…like, the first time since she saw him enter.

You briefly remember standing face to face with Amy like this before, when your mother thought it’d be a good idea to hire a clown for your eighth birthday party. You quickly told her to never do that again and kicked the guy out, once you’d managed to calm Amy down and get her to your room.

You’ve always been protective, always had attitude when she’s needed you to and that doesn’t stop now.

“What the hell?” Reagan says, bursting through the door and shattering the peace you’d just manage to get.

“I-I,” Amy stammers.

“She’s scared of clowns, that’s all. Why is there even one here?” You question. Reagan gives you the side-eye before stepping closer to Amy.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Karma got me out, it’s fine.” You see it. You see the jealousy from Reagan again but you can’t help that you know Amy better. And you wouldn’t stop being so protective just to please Reagan. That would never happen for anyone.

You’ll always look after your princess.

Amy breathes, taking in deep breaths and looking wildly around to make sure there’s no more of them.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Me and Reagan are here, okay?” you say, looking her in the eyes and squeezing her hand you’re yet to let go of. She nods her head in response.

“Right, right. Oh, Danny. Hey, Rea, can you go sit with her and let me and Karms know when it’s gone?” Reagan frowns…again…it seems like that’s her instant response to anything involving you but you didn’t ask her to do that. In fact, you’d expect Amy to ask you to do that, instead.

“Sure,” she says, shrugging and walking back into the mayhem. You hope Danny is okay and that she understands but the thought leaves your mind as soon as Amy speaks.

“Thanks.”

“You know you don’t need to thank me, princess.” You bump shoulders with her and she smiles. “How many times have you looked after me?” She shrugs and smiles softly at you, still silent. You can’t take the quiet for long, not after how awkward your friendship has been and so you ask: “What’s going on in there?” tapping the side of her head with your index finger.

“You look beautiful,” she says, as if it’s just a simple fact of life. You try not to smile like you want to, try to ignore the butterflies in your stomach but it’s hard. It’s so, so hard.

“Thanks.” You clear your throat and tap your toes into the ground. “Listen, we need to talk about what happened. I mean, nothing has to change between us but you can’t keep doing things and saying things like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like the touching and the compliments and stuff.” She grabs your shoulders and you look at her.

“I always have and always will compliment you. You look beautiful tonight and I will tell you because it’s the truth and I didn’t mean the touching like that. I just…I just wanted to remind you that I was there….I just felt a little left out.” She looks away and shrugs. You touch her lower arm and begin to speak but she gets there before you. “I didn’t realise that it was so-that it would-that it would look like that…like sexual until I’d already done…it.” You can’t help but smile at the awkwardness she encompasses. 

“It’s okay. But maybe tone down the touching. I-we both know how I feel and it really doesn’t help me, especially with Reagan and Danny being there.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, stupid. It’s okay and don’t ever feel left out or like you need to remind me you’re there. You always have my attention.” She looks away and smiles. You note the light blush colouring her cheeks and you can’t help but let out a small giggle.

“Shut up, idiot.” She pulls you into a one armed hug and you feel lighter, feel better than you have in so long. You’re not hiding from her, anymore. You’re not hiding and she’s not running and having her wrapped around you makes everything better, makes everything good again. She crinkles her brow and nose as she places her forehead on yours and you can’t help copying.

That’s how Reagan finds you when she comes to tell you the clown has left and the food is ready. Amy slowly pulls away and you walk ahead of the couple, ignoring Reagan’s glare and spotting Danny. Lovely, sweet Danny that’s smiling so beautifully in your direction.

There’s no denying it. You must love Amy so much to not want this beautiful girl. This beautiful girl that is sexy and intelligent and attentive and not your princess.

“Hey,” you say, sitting down next to Danny and shooting her a smile.

“Hey, pretty lady. Reagan explained what happened but I couldn’t wait for ya. I was so hungry,” she laments and you smile.

“It’s okay. Now where’s mine?” you ask and she moves the food around, placing yours in front of you. You take a bite and moan at the taste. Danny and Amy smirk and Reagan glares, once again. You guess the progress from before has gone but right now, there’s nothing you can do about it and so you shrug it off and dig in. “This is so good.”

“Karms, you always have the same thing.”

“I know and there’s a reason for it.” Amy shakes her head and rolls her eyes before digging into her own meal.

You start to hum along to the quiet music as you catch the sound of John Lennon’s voice, belting out _Twist and Shout_.

“Well, shake it up baby, now,” Amy sings in a very off key pitch. You can’t help but smiles as she sings one of your favourite songs in her playful manner. Even Reagan smiles at her antics.

You can’t remember the last time you had so much fun and felt so free. You know it would have been with Amy and shrug off the sad memories of why it’s taken you so long to feel this with her again.

And that’s when you re-affirm your vow to yourself.

You’ll do anything for her happiness, even give up your own. There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for her.

She carries on singing and even though it’s bad, even though she doesn’t sing a note in key, it’s like music to your ears and to your soul.


	8. Really Love

**Chapter 8: Really Love – D’Angelo**

_'When you call my name,_

_When you love me gently,_

_When you're walking near me,_

_Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you._

_I'm in really love with you._

_When you look at me,_

_I open up instantly._

_I fall in love so quickly._

_Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you._

_Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you._

_I'm in really love with you._

_All night beside you, I'd lay._

_I love you deep when you come to my bed._

_Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you._

_Ooh wah, I'm in really love with you.'_

“You’re so stupid,” Amy says, grumbling under her breath and side-eying you as you walk to your seats.

“Why?”

“We’re going on this thing and you’re scared of heights. You should’ve just said something and I’d have stayed with you. You don’t need to impress Danny, y’know?”

“I’m not trying to impress Danny,” you say, frowning. “I knew you’d stay with me but you love this ride.” You shrug. “So here I am.”

“This is still stupid. You’ll spend the whole time digging your nails into my arm with your eyes closed.” You pinch her arm.

“Hey, what was that for?” she says, rubbing her sore spot.

“I might surprise you this time, princess.”

“Mhmm.”

“You ready ladies?” the guy says, smiling at you both.

“Yup.” You pull Amy down into the seat next to you and try to take deep breathes, telling yourself that you’ve done this before, you can do it again. For Amy, you’ll do it again. You can’t let Reagan be in a bad mood with Amy for nothing. You saw the eye roll when Amy offered to sit with you but chose to ignore it, instead focusing on the stunning smile Danny had on her face. They’d both gone ahead of you and you hope Danny has a nice time with Reagan.

“Sure you want to do this, Sunshine?”

“Yup.” You clutch onto the bar in front of you with both hands and force your eyes to stay open.

“It’s just a ride. Be brave, Karms.”

“Right, be brave, got it.” Amy laughs and places a hand over yours.

“C’mon, we can do it. We can do anything together, right? Keep those pretty eyes open and take in the sights.” You relax and something in your shifts, softens at her words. You turn to look at her. You don’t realise how long you’ve been starting at her until she shifts and blushes.

“You’re staring.”

“Sorry.” You carry on taking her in.

“Stop.”

“I can’t. Got to keep these eyes open.” You stick your tongue out at her and wink. She’s never liked all the attention being on her but you can’t help it. She deserves to be looked at, admired, appreciated, looked after. You’ve tried your best to do that but it’s only now that you’re learning, it’s only now that you begin to see what she needs from you.

“Karma, stop.”

You begin to look around. The place looks amazing from above, the lights shining in the dark, the rides, the games. It all looks so amazing, even if it does look high up.

You move your hand and intertwine your fingers with Amy’s, drawing strength from her.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yup.”

“You okay?”

“Yup.”

“You gonna say anything other than ‘yep’?”

“Yep.” You pull a silly face at her and she laughs. It feels just like before but at the same time it doesn’t. It’s been so long since being together was just so easy, so natural. You guess that that’s what secrets do, make everything feel wrong, like a lie but right now, nothing matters. You’re with your best friend, your soul mate and you’re conquering your fear. “I’m the best, aren’t I? See, I’m up here where it’s super high.” You swallow down your fear. “All so you don’t have to sit down there with me.” She rolls her eyes and scoffs.

“You’re stupid.”

“No. I’m the best”

“No. I am.”

“Yeah, you are. So, how’re you?”

“I’m…okay? Why?” You shrug.

“Nobody ever seems to ask you that. I just assume you’re good so I thought I’d ask.” You shrug again.

“Okay.”

“And besides, it must be hard to be surrounded by this much sexy. Me, Reagan and Danny.” You shake your head and suck in a breath. “Must be hard work.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“Bet you regret me knowing you so well, now.”

“Nope, I’ll never regret that but you’re still an idiot.” You laugh lightly, cuddle into her side and rest your head on her shoulder.

“Are you having a good time?”

“Yeah. I have my two favourite girls here with me and Danny’s pretty cool.”

“She’s nice, isn’t she?”

“Yeah. So, you, er, you like her?”

“Mhmm. I like her but not like that, y’know?”

“Yeah.” You both sit in silence for the rest of the ride, soaking in the presence of each other before you have to separate again.

“Have fun?” Danny asks as you get off. She holds a hand out for you to take a step down and you smile brightly at her.

“Yup. Sorry I couldn’t go on with you. I just have a small fear of heights.” Amy scoffs and you elbow her, lightly in the side.

“Hey, what was that for?”

“Stupid” Reagan looks at you both, curiously and you shrug at her. If she wants to be with Amy, she has to understand that this is how you are together. You were like this before you fell in love with her and you’ll be like it ‘til the day you die.

“Anyways, let’s go get some donuts before we leave.” You link arms with Danny and walk ahead of the not-so-happy couple, scowling at each other behind you.

“So, how long have you and Amy known each other?”

“Eleven years, now.”

“Wow. That’s a long time but it explains a lot.” You frown.

“Huh?”

“You’re just really close. Like you just know each other. I don’t know.” She shrugs. “You just seem to get each other when nobody else has any idea what’s going on.”

“We know each other inside out.”

“That’s cool. Friendships like that, they’re rare.”

“Yeah. Amy’s special.”

“So, you’re scared of heights, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Aw, don’t be shy, it’s cute,” she says as you burrow your head into her arm for a moment. “So, why’d you go on it, then?”

“You really wanted to go on and Amy loves it too so I kinda had to, y’know? Didn’t want to leave one of you behind.”

“I get ya and Reagan doesn’t like you much, does she?”

“No. How was the ride with her?”

“It was cool. She’s pretty cool.”

“That’s good.”

“So why don’t you two get along? You both care about Amy a lot…so?” You turn around and catch sigh of Amy and Reagan holding hands and talking behind you. That’s what you want for Amy, an easy, affectionate relationship and that’s what she has.

“I’ll, er, I’ll explain later. How about we get some donuts and head out, let the two lovers have some alone time?”

“Sure, sounds great.” You smile and squeeze her arm.

“I really have had a good night. Sorry I didn’t get to spend much of it with you.”

“It’s okay, Cutie. I had a blast. That burger was divine.” She moans and you can help the laughter that comes from you. She’s so easy to be with and have fun with. Even if all you can be is friends, you know she’ll be good for you. “And you’re pretty fun to be around.” She winks at you and you blush a little and look away. She laughs and it’s nice. It doesn’t compare to being with Amy but it’s nice.

*

“So how long have you been in love with her?” You freeze. You’d been enjoying each other’s company, sitting on the hood of Danny’s car and eating donuts whilst asking about each other’s favourite things and then she asked that.

You take a few minutes to formulate a response. How does she know? Is it that obvious? Do you tell her the truth?

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” you whisper without realising it.

“You don’t know?” She raises an eyebrow at you and you shrug and look down, pulling apart the donut in your hand.  “Amy.”

“Oh. I’m, er, I’m no—”

“Ashcroft, you’re a bad liar.” You sigh.

“It just-it just happened. I mean, one day I realised it but I don’t know if my feelings have ever changed, y’know?”

“I get it. Like you’ve always felt like this but never known?”

“Yeah.”

“So why aren’t you together?”

“I didn’t realise soon enough?”

“Huh?”

“It doesn’t matter. She’s with Reagan now and I’m trying to move on.”

“Why move on? I think she feels the same?”

“It’s not that simple and besides, don’t you want me?” you say, trying to lighten the mood.

“I like you Karma. Like, I really like you but I’m not blind.” She shrugs. “We could try dating, I guess but I think we’re better as friends, don’t you? At least until you get over Amy.” She winks and you roll your eyes. How are you so lucky? How do you find all these kind and caring people to surround yourself with, people who understand you?  You wrap an arm around her waist and snuggle in close.

“I really wish I didn’t feel like this, y’know? I think you’d be a great girlfriend.” She laughs.

“Damn right I’d be a good girlfriend. I’d fuck you and feed you all the time, what more could you want?”

“Charming.”

“That I am.” You laugh. You really wish you could like this girl but at least you have her friendship.

“No, seriously, Karma. I think-I think if you guys really love each other, you’ll find a way to be together and if not, you’ll have an awesome friendship. That’s lucky.” She rests her head on yours and you breathe in the soft, honey smell of her.

“You think?”

“I know.”

“How’s that?”

“Typical cliché. Me and my best friend, we thought we were in love with each other but it didn’t work out. We didn’t give up on our friendship, though and now she’s with an amazing girl and I’m playing the field a little. But we’re happy for each other. I wouldn’t want it any other way because I am in love with her, I’m in love with her as my best friend and that’s all. But you two? You two are the real deal, I think and it’s kinda nice to see, even if she’s macking on my girl.”

“Macking on me?” you ask in confusion as she laughs.

“You both don’t realise it but it’s there, the affection, the connection. That’s probably why Reagan doesn’t like you.”

“Not exactly.”

“Hmm?”

“Well, we faked being girlfriends before they met and that’s when Amy told me she loved me. I, er, I didn’t realise that I felt the same until afterwards, until Amy had moved on with Reagan. So, I think that’s why she doesn’t like me.”

“Maybe a little but I think most of it is because she’s jealous. You know Amy better.” She shrugs and you move your head a little to accommodate the movement. “You’re a better fit.”

“I don’t think so. Reagan is good, she takes care of Amy and she’s more…mature than me or something. I-I’m just not right for Amy.” Danny scoffs.

“You’re an idiot.”

“So everyone keeps telling me.”

“No, you really are. Love isn’t about being perfect, it’s about having that connection and knowing each other.”

“Maybe.”

“Mhmm. I am right, like always.”

“Like always? Excuse me? Who thought ‘Without You’ was originally Mariah Carey’s song?”

“Well, I didn’t want to show you up with my perfectness.”

“So you purposefully answered wrong, just to make me feel better?”

“You were losing the game up until then. I had to be a good little date.” You laugh and she joins you. It make your stomach ache a little but you like the feeling, you like being around Danny…even if she does know more music trivia than you.

*

It’s a few days later when your mom drops a bomb on you.

You’re leaving for a couple weeks. Your aunt is sick, like really sick and she has two children that you have to help your mother look after.

You don’t want to leave, of course you don’t. Days without Amy are hard enough, let alone weeks but you don’t want to let your family down and so you concede after your mother explains that yes, your school knows and no, it’s Hester, of course they don’t mind.

That’s how you find yourself at Amy’s door on Wednesday night, speaking to the she-devil herself.

“What do you want?” Lauren asks, sneer in place.

“I just need to see Amy, quickly.”

“Amy, your other lover is here,” she shouts up before storming off. You blush.

“Karma, dear. It’s nice to see you. It’s been so long.”

“It’s good to see you, too,” you say, leaning in to hug Amy’s mother who’s walked over to greet you.

“Hey, Karms.” Amy says, jumping down the last step, Reagan just behind her.

“I’ll see you later, Sweetie. Don’t be a stranger.” Farrah squeezes your hand before she walks off, waving in your direction.

You smile.

Things have been rough between you and Farrah, not least because of your part in helping Amy discover her sexuality but you’re glad things are settling down. She’s been like a second mother to you in many ways and though she annoys you, though she makes you angry when she hurts Amy, you love her in your own way.

“Bye.”

“So, what’re you doing here?” Amy asks.

“I, er, I’ve got to go away with my mom for a while. Aunt Patty is sick and yeah, I need to go help mom with the kids and stuff.” You shrug. “Thought I’d drop in and say bye. We’re leaving tomorrow so, yeah. Anyways, I’ll go now. Hey, Reagan. It’s nice to see you.” She nods her head and smiles.

“I hope your aunt gets better soon,” she says and you smile, sincerely in response.

Amy shuffles her feet and wraps her arms around herself as she looks down. You know she’d be sad but you still hate to see it.

“Hey, idiot.” You tap her elbow. “I’ll be back before you know it and hey, you’ll have Reagan to bug when I’m not here.”

“Hey, I don’t bug you…that much.” You smile.

“And we can FaceTime so I can still see all your new Yo-Yo tricks.” You wink and Reagan chuckles.

“Red knows you well.”

“Yeah, she does. I’m gonna miss you, Karms.”

“I’ll miss you, too but it won’t be for long.”

“Okay.”

“Anyways, I better go home and pack.”

“Okay, just wait here a minute.” She runs off and once again, you find yourself standing alone with Reagan.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna join us for a while? I mean, you’re leaving for a few weeks and Amy will miss you.”

“No, it’s okay. We have an early morning flight so I better pack.”

“Okay, have a safe journey.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll see you around, Red.” She walks off.

It’s not long before Amy is back in front of you and you’re glad Reagan has let you say goodbye in private. You’d feel uncomfortable hugging Amy in front of her. You’ve seen how jealous she can get and rightfully so. If Amy was yours, you’d want to keep her all to yourself.  

“Here.” Amy thrusts her iPod in front of you and you frown at her. She rolls her eyes. “I know how much you hate flying, remember the trip to New York we went on together? Anyways, I know you like to drown out your fears with my music so here, take this. Do you have your iPod with you?”

“Yup.” You nod your head and pull it out from your pocket. “Here.”

“Thanks.” She walks forward and wraps her arms around you. You breathe in the scent of her and pull her a little bit closer.

“I really will miss you.”

“I know. I’m gonna miss you, too, princess.”

“I know.” She kisses your forehead before resting her head on yours for a few moments.

“You better go before it gets late. Text me when you’re home, okay? Love you.” She kisses you one last time before stepping back.

“Love you, too, Aims.”

“And don’t forget to text me as soon as you land.” You roll your eyes.

“Of course, your majesty.”

“That’s right. Now off with you.” She slaps your butt and you walk off, laughing.

God, you love her.

**_End of Part I_ **


	9. Lay Me Down

**Chapter 9: Lay Me Down – Sam Smith**

_‘I'm reaching out to you,_

_Can you hear my call?_

_This hurt that I've been through._

_I'm missing you, missing you like crazy._

_You told me not to cry when you were gone,_

_But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong._

_Can I lay by your side?_

_Next to you, you,_

_And make sure you're alright._

_I'll take care of you._

_I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight’_

 

It’s 2pm and Karma still hasn’t called. She still hasn’t text me to let me know she’s okay. It’s hard enough that we’re separated for so long but why hasn’t she contacted me, already? She knows I’ll worry, worry like I am right now…in fucking class, staring at the clock and biting my nails.

I check my phone again as the teacher drones on. Does anyone give a shit about algebra? No. He should just hurry up so I can leave Karma another message.

Shane is next to me, throwing me weird looks and I just turn away and look out of the window.

I really need her to call me or something…anything so that I know she arrived safe. It’s always been like this whenever one of us travels without the other. We’d both be anxious and moody and horrible to be around until whoever was travelling, arrived safely.

She should have arrived over an hour ago.

The lesson drags on and then finally, finally the bell goes for the end of class. The end of a class where I learned absolutely nothing. Hallelujah. Usually, I’d write notes and process the whole lesson later but not today, not when Karma Pain-In-My-Ass Ashcroft hasn’t contacted me yet.

I begin stuffing everything into my bag when Shane walks over.

“Thank God that lessons over. I couldn’t take you tapping your pen on the desk a second longer.” I glare at him. “Woah, what crawled up your ass?”

“Nothing. I’ll join you in a minute, I just have to make a quick phone call.”

“Okay, Miss Sunshine. I’ll be in the cafeteria.”

“Sure thing.” I shove my way through the crowds of people that are blocking my way and fight myself outside, towards the tree me and Karma used to sit near, back when we were unpopular nobodies.

 My phone is clutched in my hand as I hear Karma’s voice message…again.

“Hey, Karma. I’d really appreciate it if you respond to one of my texts or answered my call. Just do…something to let me know you’ve arrived safe or so help me God, I’m gonna have to kick your ass for making me worry like this. Please, just let me know you’re safe. If I’ve done anything to upset you, I’m sorry, just respond to me. And if you forgot to charge your phone, I will kill you. You know not to do that again after last time. Anyways, yeah, text me. I love you. Bye.” I sigh before heading towards the cafeteria.

“What’s up, Buttercup?” Shane says as I sit opposite him.

“Nothing.”

“Mhmm. How about you tell that to your face.” I roll my eyes.

“I’m fine. Just…waiting for a phone call.”

“O-kay. Well, anyway, your hot lady-lover is heading this way.” I turn and spot Reagan walking towards me. She smiles as I look at her and she looks beautiful. Everything about her is so expressive and open. It feels good to have someone’s attention focused on me and not everybody else in the room.

I smile and for a moment, forget the panic that’s steadily building inside of me.

“Hey, Shrimp girl.”

“Hey, Ray.” She gives me a quick kiss before sliding in next to me.

“What’s up?” I shrug and look away.

“This little ball of sunshine has been grumpy all day. Hopefully you can cheer her up,” Shane says. Reagan places a hand on my arm and I relax a little into her touch. If Karma was here, she’d demand to know what the problem was instead of quietly comforting me…then again, if Karma was here, there wouldn’t be a problem.

“Talk to me if you want but if not, how about I give you a donut to cheer you up.” I smell the greasy goodness and immediately turn my head, greeting her with a smile and a head nod.

If Karma doesn’t want to talk to me, that’s fine. I’ve got Shane and Reagan to be with instead and they’d never be this mean or make me worry like this.

I take the donut Reagan is offering and begin to dig in, the sugary goodness transporting me to heaven for a moment.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I slide it out and see it’s my mom calling and so I ignore it. It goes off again and I roll my eyes, placing my treat on the table and cursing my mother for interrupting the highlight of my day.

“Sorry, gotta answer this,” I say, mouth full of food and both Shane and Reagan cringe away.

“Okay but next time, could you swallow your food first?” Shane says and I ignore him, instead swiping my phone and accepting the call.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey, Amy. What flight did you say Karma was on?” She sounds rushed and I hear a lot of people talking in the background.

“She was heading to Charlotte, North Carolina.”

“When should she have arrived?”

“12:43pm,” I say, frowning.

“Oh.” It’s in that one word, in that one syllable answer that I know something is wrong. My mom’s voice suddenly breaks, emotion she rarely shows comes through and the hairs on the back of my next stand up. “Oh dear God, no. Are you sure?”

“Yes. What’s going on?” I stand and climb out of my seat, pacing around the table. Shane and Reagan look curiously at me but leave me alone for a moment.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. David, I’ve gotta go. I’ll explain later.”

“Mom, what’s wrong? What’s happened? Is Karma-Is she okay?”

“I don’t know, baby. I don’t know. Has she contacted you?”

“No. She should have texted or called already but she hasn’t.” My voice breaks and goes faster the more I try to speak.

“Calm down, calm down. It’s okay. I’m coming to get you.”

“Mom, what the fuck has happened?”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“Answer me,” I shout down the phone, fear creating goosebumps on my skin and I continue pacing. Reagan has stood up and is now nervously watching me.

“There’s been an accident.”

“What? You mean-Karms-She-I need to get to her.”

“I know, I know. I’m now in my car, I’ll come pick you up.”

“Mom, I’m scared.”

“I know, baby, I know but she might be okay. Don’t think the worst. I know it’s hard but keep calm and I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you, baby girl. And I love Karma, too. We’ll go get her and bring her home.”

“Okay. I love you.” It’s when I hang up that strength just leaves me and I collapse onto my knees. Karma has to be okay, she has to survive because I can’t live without her.

Reagan rushes over and wraps me in her arms, telling me that whatever it is, it’ll be okay. But what if it isn’t? What if I’ve lost my soulmate for good?

“Nothing to see here, move along,” I hear Shane say. Usually, I’d care about people seeing me like this, seeing me so emotional but right now, that’s the least of my worries.

“It’s okay, shh, shh,” Reagan says as I cry into her shoulder. She continues to hold and try to soothe me.  

I sit, quietly whimpering and trying to comprehend what’s happening. How did this happen? Why her?

It’s not long before I hear Lauren’s heels as she stomps over.

“What’s wrong?” she demands and I cry even harder, imagining Karma broken and bruised and bloody and…dead. She can’t leave me. We were supposed to grow old together. She wasn’t supposed to leave me…ever. I need her. She’s the sun to my moon, the pepper to my salt. “Amy, what the fuck is wrong?”

“Karma,” I croak out and Lauren screams. Reagan tenses in my arms but doesn’t pull away. I don’t have the energy, the strength to say anymore. Not yet.

“What has that bitch done, now? I swear to god, I should just bang your heads together and maybe that’ll give you some sense. Well, c’mon, out with it.”

I cry into Reagan’s shoulder even more, words failing me. How can I say it? How can I voice my deepest, darkest fear that is possibly happening to me, right now?

“Amy,” Lauren says, crouching down and softening her voice. “Please, tell me what’s happened?” I swallow down the fear and close my eyes.

“She-She.” Lauren moves the hair that’s in my eyes away and tucks it behind my ear. “There’s been an accident. Mom-she’s heading over.”

“Oh. Oh, no,” Lauren says and I open my eyes at the weird tone of her voice. It looks like there might be tears building in her eyes but she blinks them away. I never expected to see that…ever. Why would Lauren care about Karma? She doesn’t even like her. “I’m going with you.” What? I look at her, shocked at the suggestion and trying to figure out why she’s doing this. I mean, I know we’re officially sisters now but we never chose it and we’ve never acted like it towards each other.

Reagan strokes my hair and kisses my forehead.

“Want me to go with you?” she says. I shake my head but Lauren is the one to respond.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You guys don’t get along and if Karma’s hurt, she won’t need the stress.”

“I-I guess you’re right but please, somebody tell me how she’s doing. We might not be friends but I hope she’s okay. She’s a good kid.”

“I’ll text you.”

“Thank, Lauren.”

“C’mon, Amy. Get up and stop crying. Karma will need you to be strong,” Lauren says, pulling my arm and helping me up. I try my best to do as she says but it’s hard. It’s hard to function, to exist when there’s a chance I’ll have to do it without the love of my life beside me.

The love of my life. The one that I’d choose over sweet, perfect Reagan. Even though she’s infuriating, selfish and immature, it’s still her. She’s it for me. She has been since we were five and now, now I might have to live without her.

I can’t do it. She has to survive.

I square my shoulders and stand side by side with Lauren as we begin to head outside to the parking lot. Lauren holds my hands and squeezes gently, being the most gentle I’ve ever seen her.

I forget to say goodbye to Shane and Reagan, my mind too occupied with thoughts of my love being hurt and scared and alone. She needs me. She needs me and right now I’m not there, I’m here with all these other people who don’t even compare to her, to how special she is to me.

“She’ll be okay. She’s a fighter and she’s go you backing her.” I nod my head once and carry on looking ahead, forcing myself to hold back the tears.

“Thanks.”

It goes silent for a few moments as we walk until Lauren breaks the tension.

“I overheard her, once, a few weeks ago. These guys, they were joking about me being intersex. Nobody knew I was there but I heard her. She marched up to them and stood up for me. She has quite the mouth on her when she wants. Even I’d hate to get on the wrong side of her.” She laughs softly and I smile, imagining the scene in my head. I can see it. I can see the adorable crease in her forehead she gets when she frowns, the pout that she uses when she’s just finished a major rant, the way she’d stand with her hands on her hips.

I whimper and Lauren pushes us forward, never allowing me to stop or run from my destination.

We bump into Oliver on the way. He looks curiously at me and I look away, too scared to say those words again.

“Move, we’re in a hurry,” Lauren says, pushing him to the side. I turn back around and mouth an ‘I’m sorry’ to him before turning just in time to see my mom pull up. We climb into the car.

“I didn’t know you were joining us?”

“Yeah, well, somebody has to stop this one from breaking down, completely,” Lauren responds with a flick of her hair as she adjusts herself in the passenger’s seat. “Now, c’mon, we should head off. No time to waste.”

And there isn’t.

The drive is long, it’s the longest time of my life as we inch closer to Karma.

“Where are we heading?” I say, voice choked up and scratchy.

“The accident happened just outside of Tinsley.”

“Tinsley? Where the fuck’s that?” Lauren says, a confused look on her face.

“Mississippi and watch your language, young lady.”

“Sorry.”

It goes silent again. Well, silent except for Lauren’s quiet snoring and the bad music on the radio, bad music on the radio that somehow, always reminds me of Karma. She’d like some of these songs and she’d sing along if she was with us but she’s not…she’s not because she’s hurt and for fuck sake, I need to get to her.

“Mom, how long to go?”

“Three hours, Sweetie.”

“It’s been ages. Can’t we speed this up?”

“No. Not unless you want us to get into an accident as well. I know you want to get to her, to see how she is as fast as you can, I do, too but there are laws to follow for a reason.”

I look out of the window and don’t respond. She’s right, of course she is but I can’t help it, I need to be with her as soon as I can. That’s why when my mom pulls over at the service stations, my mood plummets even further.

“What’re you doing?”

“I’ve been driving for hours, baby. I need a break, we need to fill up the gas and we need to eat or drink something.”

“Okay. Is 15 minutes okay?”

“I thought maybe an hour. How’re we going to order and eat in 15 minutes?”

“Take out?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Amy,” she says, sighing and glancing over to check on a sleeping Lauren. “I know. I know you’re scared and you want to get there and we will, I promise. But let’s have a break.” I fold my arms and glare out of the window, staring at the darkening sky.

I know I’m being a brat. I know I’m being unreasonable but my mom would be too if it was Bruce who was in the accident, doesn’t she get that?

I hear her door slam shut as she gets out and I see her open mine from the corner of my eye. She places a hand on my elbow and squeezes, lightly. I inhale the sweet smell of my mom and automatically begin to relax a little.

“I’m scared, too, Amy. I wish I didn’t need to take a break, I don’t want to let you down but I need it, baby and you need to eat, too. Karma wouldn’t want you to get sick by skipping meals and you know she wouldn’t. I promise, give me 45 minutes to rest up and we’ll leave, okay?”

“Okay.” I look down to my shoes and take a deep breath.

She’s trying her best, she’s getting me there as fast as she can and I know she’s scared, too. I know that my mom loves Karma. How could she not when Karma practically became a second daughter to her?

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” She kisses my forehead. “I know you’re hurting. Go on.” She taps my thigh. “Go order us some food and I’ll go wake her highness over there.”

I grimace and stalk off, not envious of my mother’s task ahead.

It’s when I take a second bite of my chicken burger that I begin to cry, again. I really shouldn’t have ordered Karma’s favourite but I couldn’t help it. I just blurted out the order without thinking about it. I mean, why else would I order any form of salad on my plate unless I was thinking far, far too much about my Karma?

My mom rubs my back and doesn’t say a word. Lauren rolls her eyes and picks up a napkin, dabbing away some of the tears.

“C’mon. Stop that. She’ll be fine. It’s Karma, she’ll be around forever. Now eat your burger so we can head off.”

“She’s right, c’mon, Sweetie, eat up.” I catch sight of them both as they grimace at each other. I dig back in to my burger, not registering the taste or how it’s too hot and burning my mouth. 

Karma needs me and I will be there for her. She can’t leave me and I won’t leave her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me.   
> I hope you guys like the change in POV. It was fun writing from a different perspective.   
> Tell me what you think will happen ;)  
> \- A


	10. She Keeps Me Warm

**Chapter 10: She Keeps Me Warm – Mary Lambert**

_‘She says I smell like safety and home._

_I named both of her eyes “Forever” and “Please don’t go.”_

_I could be a morning sunrise all the time, all the time, yeah._

_This could be good, this could be good._

_And I can’t change, even if I tried,_

_Even if I wanted to._

_And I can’t change, even if I tried,_

_Even if I wanted to._

_My love, my love, my love, my love._

_She keeps me warm, she keeps me warm.’_

You hear the screams, feel the panic searing through your veins, burning you from the inside out. You smell the blood surrounding you. But worst of all, you see Amy’s beautiful face in everyone around you. The girl who was across the aisle from you, the man in front, your mother, they all take on her form and you scream. You scream because you can’t take it, not again. When the plane began to go down, you thought that that was your worst nightmare come to life but somehow, some way, this is even worse.

You scream, again. You scream her name and it feels as though your throat has been torn open, like paper cuts have been etched in from top to bottom and that’s when you wake. That’s when you take in the white room you’re in.

Your heartbeat pounds in your ears and the gown you’re wearing feels too tight, too claustrophobic. You begin pulling at the fabric when you hear a voice.

“Hey, hey, you’re up,” a nurse says as she walks into your room, smile plastered on her wrinkled, pale face. “That’s good. How’re you feeling?” You shrug. “Okay, well, I’ll just go get the doctor.” She begins to walk out when memories assault you, pounding into your skull.

You wonder how you got here. The last thing you remember is seeing your mother passed out with a gaping wound to her head.

Your mother.

You swallow down the dryness in your throat and take a second to find words and form a sentence. You blink away the tears from your eyes and will them not to close against the brightness of the room. Everything in you aches, is tired and it’s hard to make your thoughts make sense.

Your mother.

“Wait,” you say, voice scratchy and raw. “How-How.” You cough. “Where’s my mom?”

“She’s been waiting for you. I think she went to the bathroom but she’ll be back pretty soon.” You nod your head and the nurse leaves.

The doctor arrives a few seconds later and takes looks at you for a few seconds, a fleeting smile passing over her face. Her dark hair is pulled back, tight and you think she looks a little bit like an older, female Zen. Everything about her is pristine, from the fold in her black pants to the sharp lines of her face. What you wouldn’t give for cheek bones and a jaw line like that.

“Hi, I’m Doctor Chen, how’re you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been—” You cough. “In an accident.” You cough again and it feels like gravel is itching your throat. You take a deep breath and the sterile smell of hospitals registers in your brain. You hate it. You had how cold and empty and dead these places feel but here you are.

“Of course, of course.”

“Water?” The doctor throws a look at the nurse who arrived when you woke. You watch her go out of the room and return a few seconds later with a pitcher of water and a glass.

“Here you go, Sweetie.” She smiles and you imagine she does that a lot. She seems cheery, open and you’re glad she’s not stern and miserable like the nurse who looked after Amy that time she needed stitches. You told her trying to climb the tree outside of your room was stupid when she could use the front door. _Have some adventure,_ she said. _You’re an idiot,_ you’d told her when you ended up in A&E with a furious Farrah and confused mother. She’d just smiled and looked at you, holding your hand.

How didn’t you know then? You’ve always been perfect for each other.

You take a sip of water and it feels so good. You sigh and muster up a smile for them both.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Sweetpea, you’re up,” your mother says, hobbling into the room on crutches. Everyone turns to look at her and you almost cry in relief. She’s safe, even though she’s bandaged up all over.

“Mom.” You open your arms and she makes her way over, hugging you as best she can. You cry. Everything overwhelms you but it’s okay, it’ll all be okay because here you and your mother are, alive and (relatively) unharmed.

You move and pain from your right leg shoots through your body. You suck in a breath and flinch away.

“That’ll be your leg. We’ve put a cast on it but still, try not to move it too much. You’ve also got some cuts and bruises making it sore, too.”

“We’ve got matching pink casts,” your mother says, winking at you. You try your best to smile but it takes so much energy and you’re so tired. She uses her thumbs to wipe away some of the tears.

“Sorry to interrupt but I really need to check you over,” Doctor Chen says, trying to soften her features. It doesn’t work. She still seems as cold and clinical as the walls surrounding you but then again, you’d probably be the same if you had to see so much pain and death so you can’t really blame her.

“Oh, of course,” your mom says, moving over to the chair on the other side of your bed. She sits in it and you catch the grimace as she adjusts herself into a comfortable position.

“You okay?”

“Of course, baby. Now, let’s get you checked over.”

“Let’s,” the doctor says, pulling out a flash light from her pocket and beginning to check you over.

*

“You have a mild concussion, your right leg is broken in two places and a few fingers on your right hand are broken, too. You also have a few lacerations that we’ll have to make sure don’t get infected but other than that, you should be able to go home in a couple of days.”

“That’s great, baby.”

“Yeah, that’s great. Thank you, doctor.”

“You’re welcome. You should get some rest now.” She lightly pats your leg. Her bedside manner is lacking but at least she’s trying. She walks out of the door, lab coat trailing behind and you relax for a few seconds.

“Mom?”

“Yes, Karma?”

“What happened?” you say as you turn to face her. She shrugs.

“I’m not entirely sure, Sweetie.” She places her hand on yours. “But it’s okay. The nurses said that everyone has survived, so far. That’s good, right?” You nod your head and begin to close your eyes, your mother’s voice soothing you like it used to do when you were a child. “Your father is on his way.” Your eyes snap open and you turn to look at her. “I just made a quick call to Amy, she’s on her way, too, okay?” You nod your head and let out a breath. She’s on her way. She’ll be here soon and she’ll make everything okay. She’ll fix everything.

“Thanks, mom.”

“That’s okay. Just get some rest.” She pats your arm. “I’m gonna go grab a coffee or something, okay? I’ll go check to see if your father or Amy is here yet. Okay?”

“Okay. Mom?” She pauses as she begins to leave your room. “I love you.” She smiles.

“I love you, too. I’m so glad you’re okay, Karma. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my little girl.” She steadily makes her way over to you and kisses your forehead. “I won’t be long. Now, rest.” You nod your head and close your eyes, doing as your mother says.

*

“Hey, wake up,” you hear someone whisper and smile once you recognise the voice.

“Hey, daddy.” You open your eyes and turn to face him. As soon as you set your eyes on him, you see him relax.

“God, I-I—” You’ve never seen your dad speechless or cry before but he does both now. “I was so scared.” He wraps his arms around you and you snuggle in. You used to love his big hugs when you were little. You still love them now but they rarely happen.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be silly, it’s not yours or your mothers fault. I’m just so happy you’re both okay.”

“We are, too,” you mother says, walking over and rubbing your dad’s back. “We’re all alive, we’re all safe. It’s a blessing.”

“That it is.” You nod your head in agreement and watch with tears in your eyes as you father wipes away his.

“I love you, daddy.”

“Love you, too.” He kisses your forehead. “And I love you.” He kisses your mother on the mouth and for once, you forget to make the grossed out noises you usually would.

“How’re you both feeling?” Nurse Jackie, the woman from before, asks, sweeping into the room.

“We’re good, aren’t we, Sweetie?”

“Yeah. A little sore and tired but I’m okay, considering.”

“That’s good. The pain should go away when the medication begin to kick in, soon. Also, there are two young women and their mother asking after you. They’re not family so we’re not permitted to let them in but I said I’d ask.”

“What do they look like?”

“All blonde’s, ones a little tomboy-ish—”

“Oh, Amy?” your father asks, interrupting with an eyebrow raised in your mothers direction.

“Probably. Jackie, can you send her in?” your mother asks and the nurse nods her head, smile still in place from earlier.

“Of course.”

“Thank you. That girl, she’s practically family to us so feel free to treat her like it.”

“Yeah. Her and our little care bear are inseparable.” Your father ruffles your hair and you pull away, rolling your eyes at him.

And then you smile. If only they knew how you felt. They’d be so happy if you guys got together, for real this time but you know that that might not happen. Reagan is still in the picture and Amy still cares about her. You refuse to put Amy through any more pain because of your stupid feelings and so you’ll continue to accept reality. You were too slow, it took you too long to realise that she’s the one for you and you’ll suffer your fate silently, contentedly as long as it means that she’s happy, she’s safe and smiling and just…happy. And she’ll always be the first and last thought on your mind, even when you thought you might die, all you could think about was her.

You catch Nurse Jackie’s eyes as looks at you with a knowing smile and winks.

“I’ll send her right through.” You grin.

“Thank you,” you say and pull yourself into a more comfortable position.

“We’ll-we’re-we’re just gonna go say hello to Farrah,” your mom says and your dad just nods his head in agreement, giving you a cheeky thumbs up before helping your mother leave the room.

It’s silent for a few minutes and you take a deep breath, appreciating the time alone you have to collect yourself.

“Oh, thank God,” Amy says, stopping in the doorway before running into the room and wrapping her arms around you. “I was so scared.” She pulls back and holds your face in her hands. You smile as you take in her blonde hair, her green eyes that are looking you up and down and her lips.

Her soft, kissable lips that she now presses to yours.

God. You’ve never been kissed like this before. Every kiss with Amy is new but nothing compares to this one. This one where she holds nothing backs and devours every part of you that she can.

“I was so, so scared.” Another kisses.

“I’m sorry.” Another kiss.

“I thought I’d lost you.” She rests her forehead against yours.

“You didn’t. I’m here.”

“Yes, you are.” She wraps you up in her arms again and holds tight. “You’re not allowed to leave me, ever.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“On everything.”

“Karms?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. So much.”

“I love you, too.”

“Well, I hate to break up this love-fest,” Lauren says, bursting into the room and interrupting your time with Amy. You roll your eyes. You should’ve known. “But me and Farrah are going to book a hotel. You joining us or what?” Amy keeps an arm around you but turns to face Lauren.

“I’ll stay with Karms, if that’s okay?” She looks at you.

“Of course.”

“I thought as much. I’ll send Farrah in. See you in the morning.” She turns to walk back out the door but freezes for a second. “I’m glad you’re okay, Karma,” she says in a quiet voice before remembering who she is and adding, “Amy would be even more unbearable without you around.” Amy laughs.

“She’s right, I would be.” She pulls you in close and you rest your head on her shoulder.

“It’s a good job I plan to be around for a long time yet, then.”

“Mhmm.”

“Hey, my little chameleon.”

“Hey, Mama F.” You smile and Amy steps back, allowing Farrah to hug you tight. She rocks you in her arms for a few moments before letting go.

You wonder what happened, when did you lose this closeness with her? It’s been years since you hugged like this or called each other those names but you don’t know why it ever stopped.

“You okay, kiddo?”

“Yup. A little sore but I have Amy here to look after me.” You reach for Amy’s hand and run your thumb over her fingers, soothing her a little. You know what she’s scared, when she’s vulnerable she needs this kind of contact.

Nobody knows your girl quite like you do.

Farrah looks between you both, a soft smile playing on her lips like she could read your thoughts. You imagine she can since everybody else seems to think you’re both perfect for each other.

“That you do. Well, I better go find a hotel so me and Lauren can get our beauty sleep. We’ll be here in the morning and we’ll bring some breakfast for you both.” She looks at you, a twinkle in her eyes. “I know how bad the food in these places can be.”

“Okay, thanks, Mom.” Amy steps forward and gives her mom a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah, thanks Farrah.”

“You’re both welcome. Get some rest, okay? It’s late and you both must be exhausted.”

“Yup. Good night. Text me when you find somewhere to sleep.”

“I will do, baby. And little chameleon, make sure our girl here gets some rest.” You laugh and Amy just rolls her eyes at you before she glares at her mom. Farrah raises her hands in the air and steps back. “Okay, okay. I’m now going.”

Somebody drops something outside and you jump, panic taking over once again. You remember the loud, crushing sound you heard a few seconds before consciousness left you. You remember feeling like needles were being inserted into your flesh, pore by pore. You remember the screams of scared passengers.

“Hey, hey. Look at me, it’s okay.” Amy holds your face in her hands, once again. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’ll never let anything hurt you like this again. Not ever.” She kisses you softly, once again and it grounds you.

You’re not there, you’re here. You’re not dead, you’re alive, you survived. It’s okay.

You pull away from Amy for a few seconds before resting your forehead against hers, again.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Another kiss.

“I know.” Another kiss.

“Amy.” She sighs.

“I-I-I know. I know we shouldn’t be doing this. I know I’m with Reagan but I just-I just need to feel you.”

“I know. It’s okay. Just no more, okay?” She nods her head once and you smile at how cute she always is.

“Hey, Tweety.” You pinch her cheeks. She groans. “Want to watch some TV or sleep?”

“We should sleep. It’s late and you need to rest.”

“Okay. Hey, you know where my parents went?”

“Oh, yeah. They said they’re gonna go to your mom’s room and sleep. I said I’d stay with you.”

“Of course.” You smile at each other before you pat the bed next to you. “C’mon, princess, let’s get settled.”

“Okay.” She begins to climb up before you put your hand on her leg, halting her movements.

“Shoes off, princess.” She rolls her eyes at you and smiles. 


	11. Days to Come

**Chapter 11: Days to Come – Seven Lions**

_‘The days to come_

_Feel it. The days, I feel it._

_Quietly, I keep you close to me._

_Quietly, I feel you when I'm dreaming._

_Quietly, I keep you close to me._

_Quietly, I feel you when I'm dreaming._

_Follow the feeling, but patiently waiting._

_I lose my feelings to oblivion.’_

You love waking up like this, snuggled into Amy’s arms. You’ve missed this. You guess it’s true: you really don’t realise what you have until it’s gone.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” she whispers in your ear and you open your eyes, smile in place.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” You both smile at each other.

“Eurgh, hello, we’re here, too,” Lauren says, waving her hand in front of your face and dumping a bag filled with who-knows-what on your lap. “Here, a breakfast muffin each for you two idiots.” She turns around and waltzes her way to an empty seat next to Farrah. Farrah who’s smiling softly at the two of you and sitting next to your mother, who looks at you both with the same expression

You roll your eyes.

“Hey, guys.” You awkwardly wave in their direction before taking your muffin and leaning away from Amy. She smirks at you and continues devouring her breakfast which is already half finished. You shake your head and smile, digging in to your food. “Tastes so good,” you say, moaning and catching sight of Amy as her food hovers just in front of her lips. She’s staring at you, her green eyes getting a little darker before she shakes her head and digs back in to her breakfast.

“You’re welcome,” Lauren says, huffing and picking up a magazine to flick through.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“No problem, girls. I couldn’t have Amy complaining about the food, too much, could I?” Farrah winks at you and you laugh along with your parents.

“Hey, I wouldn’t have moaned.” You raise an eyebrow at her. “Too much,’ she says, looking down and taking a small bite.

“If you say so, Amy, baby.” She coughs to clear her throat. “So, I have to go back to Austin for work and Lauren’s coming back with me—”

“I’m not leaving.” Farrah sighs. You think everyone knew that this would be Amy’s response so you just shrug it off and continue eating.

“Me and Lucas are just gonna…go but Amy, if you want to stay, you’re welcome too.” Your mother hobbles over and rubs Amy’s arm. “We know what you girls are like.” Your parents kiss you on the side of your head before they leave. Youwish you could, too. You’ve always felt awkward when it comes to confrontation and even more so with Farrah around.

“I’m not leaving until Karma is back in Austin.”

“But—”

“No. Just…no.” Amy puts her food down and faces her mom. “I’m not leaving her and that’s it.”

“Okay, okay,” Farrah says, holding her arms in the air. Lauren huffs and puts down the magazine.

“Look, you need clothes and to go to school and just because Karma is hurt, you can’t put your life on hold. She’s fine, look at her.”

“I don’t care. I’m staying.”

Lauren rolls her eyes.

“What about Reagan? I’m sure she wouldn’t be happy with this little set up.” You go to open your mouth and agree but Amy’s glare seals it shut. You turn and look out of the little window in the room and wish you were out in the warm sunshine. It’s a hot spring day and you’re stuck inside instead of having a nice picnic with Amy in Hester by your tree.

“She’ll understand. I’m not leaving. I know she’s okay but it doesn’t matter, she needs me. I’m staying.” You turn back and Farrah smiles at you. You try your best to reciprocate but her family is having yet another argument over you and you feel bad. You wonder if all this guilt will ever leave.

“No, it’s okay, Lauren, she can stay.” Farrah walks over to you and strokes your hand. “It might do them both some good.” She pats your hand and smiles. Something in you relaxes and softens and you smile up at Amy’s mom without realising it.

You really have missed this closeness.

“Thank you,” you whisper. Amy slings her arm over your shoulder and you lean your head on her.

“I won’t leave you,” she says, kissing the slide of your head and pulling you close. Lauren rolls her eyes, yet again and picks up her magazine.

“It’s sickening watching you two make eyes at each other.” You chuckle and everyone but Lauren smiles. You love the goofy look on Amy’s face.

“Lauren, could you bring Amy some clothes or something?”

“I am not driving to Austen and back just for bad shirts and even worse pants.”

“Hey—”

“Amy looks good in her clothes.” You glance up and catch sight of the blush spreading along Amy’s skin. You adore that look, that innocence and shyness that your best friend has always had. Farrah winks at you.

“That’s not what I meant. I’ll give you my credit card and you can go buy some clothes for Amy. And while you’re at it, buy something for yourself, okay?”

“No way. She’s not picking out shit for me to wear.”

“Language, young lady. You do not talk like that.” You laugh and you can imagine the sheepish look Amy has on her face. Farrah looks sternly at you and you look away, trying to avoid laughing again as you imagine Amy dressed in Lauren’s style. “If you don’t want to wear what Lauren picks out, you’re going with her.”

“But—”

“Karma will survive without you for an hour. I’ll be here with her and I’m letting you stay here on your own for a possibly unknown period of time, you can go shop for yourself with Lauren.”

“But—”

“Lauren, you’re going.” Lauren stands up and screams, stomping her foot and throwing the magazine on her seat.

“Fine. Come on. We’re going.”

“I’m not ready.”

“We’re going now.”

“Go on, baby. I’ll look after Karma Chameleon, don’t worry.” You untangle yourself from Amy and she looks at you for a minute. She looks like she’s going to cry.

“Hey, hey,” you say, holding her face in your hands and stroking her cheeks with your thumbs. “Hey, look at me. I’ll be fine. I’m not going anywhere and they’re right, you do need clothes and I think, if you let Lauren go on her own, you might end up looking like a Barbie doll.” You pinch her cheeks and shake her head a little. She smiles. “Go.” She nods her head at you and climbs off the bed.

“I’ll be back soon,” she says, turning back and kissing the side of your face, catching the edge of your lips.

“Hurry up,” Lauren shouts and Amy groans.  

“I’m coming.”

“Move quicker.”

“I am.” Lauren screams again and you and Farrah smile at each other.

*

Both you and Farrah are laughing over childhood memories when a nurse walks in, frown in place. Farrah is lying on the bed, arm wrapped around you.

“Excuse me but they’re two people outside asking to see you. I told them they weren’t allowed in but the girl can be very…persuasive.”

“Who is it?”

“Olive and Caitlyn.” You bounce a little on your bed and smile.

“Could you send them in, please?” you say, sweetly. The nurse gives you the side eye and walks out of the room, you assume that’s a yes and turn to face Farrah. “Oliver goes to Hester.”

“Yes, Amy’s mentioned him before, I think.” You frown and wonder what she’s said about him but shake it off.

“Oh, well, he’s nice. We hang out a lot when Amy’s with Reagan and stuff, y’know?”

“Oh. I’m sure he’s a lovely young man.” You go to respond when Caitlyn walks in, tackling you into a hug. You grunt at the impact and land on your back with her on top.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Karma.”

“Me too, me too.” You pat her arm and she clings tighter. Oliver clears his throat and waves, adjusting his glasses.

“Hi, Ol.”

“Hey, Karma. I’m, er-I’m glad you’re okay, too.”

“Me too. So, guys, this is Farrah, Amy’s mom. Farrah, this is Oliver and Cait.”

“It’s nice to meet you guys and it’s nice of you to travel all this way to check up on our Karma,” she says, stroking your hair. You could fall asleep. In fact, there’s been many times when you were little and scared that Farrah got you to sleep like this.

“Nice to meet you, too. And yeah, well. Amy sent us a text saying what happened and that you were find but we had to make sure, right, Ol?” She looks behind her and nudges Oliver’s arm. He steps closer, standing beside her.

“Yeah-yes.” He fidgets, rocking his weight from one foot to the other. His shyness is endearing, it makes you smile softly at him and grab his hand, squeezing it before letting go. Caitlyn catches you and frowns a little, you copy and she looks away when she spots you watching her.

You shrug it off and turn to Oliver.

“So how’s school?” Caitlyn groans.

“Who cares? It’s boring as usual. Now tell me, how’re you? What’s the damage and how fast can you get out of here. These places give me the creeps.” She shudders and you and Farrah laugh, Oliver grins.

“A few broken bones, mild concussion and a few scrapes but otherwise, I’m in tip top condition. The doctor said a few days as long as nothing bad happens.”

“And nothing bad will,” Amy says, walking in with a shopping bag in each hand. She’s changed clothes and you smile, you’ve always loved it when she wears the tank and shirt combo. The jeans are tight and you almost wish she’d turn around, you almost wish you couldn’t see that beautiful face so you can see just how perfectly those jeans fit.

Caitlyn coughs and you turn to face her. She’s smirking, leering in your direction and you ignore her.

“That’s not too long then…is it?” Oliver says.

“Nope. I’ll be out of here in no time.”

“The sooner the better,” Lauren says, walking in to the room. “Then things can get back to normal and you won’t need someone looking after to you.” You roll your eyes.

“Let’s just focus on getting my little Chameleon home. She’ll have Amy to look after her and if she needs anything, she has my number.”

“Thanks, Mama F.” Farrah squeezes you close before climbing off the bed.

“Well, I think it’s time for me and Lauren to head home. Love the new outfits, by the way, girls. Anyways, it was nice meeting you guys. Amy, keep me updated, please and Karma, you just get better, sweetie.” She pats your leg and hugs Amy before leaving.

“Bye Mom.”

“Bye, Mama F. Love you.”

“And I love you, too, my baby girls.”

“Bye Lauren,” Amy shouts.

“Bye.” And with a flick of Lauren’s hair, they’re gone. Amy climbs into the space Farrah just vacated and puts an arm around your waist, resting her head on your shoulder. Oliver and Caitlyn sit in two plastic and uncomfortable looking chairs.

“How was shopping with Lauren?”

“Awful. She picks the worst places to shop and she is so annoying.” Amy sighs.

“But you got through it. I love the shirt.”

“Thanks, I thought you’d like it.” Caitlyn clears her throat and it gets slightly awkward so you begin sipping the water in a plastic cup Nurse Jackie left for you.

“So, how’re you doing, Amy?”

“Good and you guys?”

“Me and Ol are good, aren’t we Oliver?”

“Yeah, we’re good. Better now that you’re okay.” He shrugs and fidgets with his hands.

“So?” Amy says.

“So, what are your intentions with Karma?” You spit out the water you just ingested.

“Er, guys? Me and Amy, we’re just friends, best friends and that’s our intentions.” Amy blushes.

“Is that right?” Caitlyn says, tilting her head and facing Amy.

“Yeah, I mean, right now. I mean, I’m with Reagan and…yeah. For now, we’re just best friends, just two people who’re not gonna be out of each other’s sight until Karma is better.” She shrugs, you roll your eyes.

“That could take weeks.”

“Then you’re stuck with me for weeks.”

“What about Reagan?”

“What about her?”

“Amy.”

“I know. I’ll talk to her soon but right now, you’re my priority.”

“So, I repeat, what are your intentions, Amy?”

“To look after Karma.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Caitlyn, stop it. Amy has no intentions with me.”

“Yeah.” Caitlyn rolls her eyes. “You expect me to believe that?”

“It’s the truth, isn’t it Amy?”

“Yeah-Well—”

“They’re obviously dating, aren’t they, Ol?”

“Well, we don’t know—”

“No, we aren’t.”

“Karma, you don’t have to lie to us.”

“I’m not.”

“Guys.”

“Why won’t you tell us? I’m not gonna tell anyone.”

“I can’t tell you anything because nothing is happening.”

“Guys,” Oliver shouts and the room goes quiet. “Caitlyn, they’re not dating. Karma and Amy, you should be. Everyone can see it now stop arguing. We’re here to see that Karma is okay, and thankfully, you are. We’re not here to argue. Right?”

“Right,” you sheepishly say. “Sorry.”

“Right?”

“Yeah, sorry, guys. You just look so…couply” Amy sits quietly beside you, blushing.

“Thanks for letting us know about Karma, by the way. It was very nice of you, you didn’t have to go out of your way to do that.”

“No problem, Oliver. You’re Karms friends, so…yeah.” She shrugs. You rest your head on hers and grab hold of the hand resting on your shoulder.

“Are you sure you two aren’t dating?”

“Caitlyn.”

“Fine. I’m gonna go get a drink, anyone want anything?”

“Coffee, please.”

“Coming right up, shorty.”

“Are you sure you should be drinking it, though? Didn’t the nurse say not to?”

“One won’t hurt, Aims. And you’ll be here to make sure I’m okay, right?”

“Okay.”

“You want anything Amy? Oliver?”

“Coffee, please,” Oliver says.

“Yeah, coffee is good with me.”

“Three coffees coming right up. I won’t be long.” She leaves the room and Oliver sits there, awkwardly looking out of the window.

“Sorry about her. She can be a little pushy sometimes.”

“No worries, Ol. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. We’re close, a lot of people think me and Karms are dating but I promise you, as of now, we’re not.”

“I believe you.”

“But you think we should be?”

“Yeah, you and Karma are perfect for each other,” he says as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world with a shrug.

“Anyways, how was the journey? I bet Caitlyn moaned all the way.”

“You know her well. Yeah, it was too hot, too cold, too bumpy.” You laugh as you envision their small arguments. You wish they’d hurry up and date. They are perfect for each other.

“It’s a horrible journey, though, right?” Amy says and you stroke her hand.

“It’s long.”

“So true. So how you been, Oliver? It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, it has. I’m good. Tired and in need of a coffee but good. I think Caitlyn may be a while. She kind of gets lost walking up the street.” You laugh.

It takes Caitlyn approximately 20 minutes to waltz back in your room.

“Sorry guys, it’s like a maze out there. Or the changing stair thingy from Harry Potter.” She places the tray of drinks at the bottom of your bed before handing them out. “So, you guys miss me?” You roll your eyes.

*

It’s night time. Amy is sleeping next to you. She really hasn’t let you out of her sight since the moment she walked back into your room this morning. Oliver and Caitlyn left quite a few hours ago. You appreciated their visit, them taking the time to travel all this way but you can’t get over your argument with Caitlyn. She knows how badly you wish you were in a relationship with Amy so why would she say that stuff? Why would she think you’d keep it from her? If Amy was yours, you’d scream it from the rooftops.

The moonlight streams into the room and you turn your head to admire the contours of Amy’s face as she sleeps. You wish you could join her, you wish you could switch of your brain but the nightmares, the smell of blood, the sound of the crash haunt you tonight. It makes you anxious, makes you feel like your skin is too small to cover your bones.

 It’s easy to forget, to not think of things when somebody is there to talk to, to distract you but right now, even with Amy beside you, you’re alone. You’re alone inside your head and you’re wandering into all the rooms you wish you could keep locked.

You should be used to living like this, especially these past few weeks but somehow, it still surprises you, still hurts you every time you think of all these things. And now, now you have even more nightmares to face.

You wish it could end, that you could switch your brain off but you can’t, you’ve never been able to.

Sometimes you wonder if you’re strong enough, if you can survive these moments.

Sometimes you wonder if being second to everyone in your life is even worth the struggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long guys and sorry it’s a bit of a filler. The next update will be better :) University got in the way but my second year is over for the summer so I should be able to update more!!


	12. Unthinkable

**Chapter 12: Unthinkable – Alicia Keys**

_‘Moment of honesty._

_Someone's gotta take the lead tonight, who's it gonna be?_

_I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me._

_If you have something to say, you should say it right now._

_You give me a feeling that I never felt before._

_And I deserve it, I think I deserve it._

_It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore._

_And I can't take it._

_I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby?_

_If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?_

_If you ask me I'm ready._

_If you ask me I'm ready.’_

You’re staying with Amy. You’re in her room.

They let you out of hospital a few days ago but you knew you wouldn’t be able to stay home for long. Your father couldn’t cope with looking after you and your mother and Amy was always there so, as Farrah said: ‘it makes sense for you to come home with us. We’ll look after you and Amy won’t worry so much.’

You guess it works double. If you’re here then Farrah gets to see her daughter. She also gets to convince said daughter to go back to school whilst she stays home and looks after you. That’s one of the main reasons you agreed. You didn’t want to put anyone out. It’s bad enough that you need to be looked after let alone inconveniencing a whole other family but for Amy you would. She needs to be in school, learning, bettering herself. She’s so, so intelligent, she can’t let that slip just for you. Even if she pouted adorably all morning and gave you the sad eyes it took all of you strength to ignore. You’re not worth the trouble, you’re really not.

The dreams, they haven’t left. The thoughts, the doubts, the hurt, it’s all still there and every day, Amy’s smile, Amy’s voice, her laugh pushes all the bad away for a little while but you need to do something. You need to find a way to get over…everything so that she can be happy, so that Reagan can make her happy in ways you know you can’t.

Reagan. Reagan who’s so pretty, so talented, so not you.

That’s why you’re sitting here, in Amy’s room, in her bed, watching the stars and counting down the minutes until she gets home. You’re not a fan of Math but there’s something about numbers that helps to distract you, helps you to meditate and empty you’re mind…until it doesn’t.

That’s why you’re here, frozen still as you hear Reagan’s voice drift closer and closer.

“Aims, I brought you your favourite donuts. Don’t say I don’t love you.” She opens the door and you look at her, eyes wide just like your mouth. She freezes for a minute before stepping into the room.

“Er-Hi.” She fakes a grin and waves her hand in the air in response.

“Hi. Amy said she was back home again and I thought-I thought that since school finished half an hour ago, she’d be back already.”

“Yeah. I-Maybe she got held up.” You shrug and the weight of awkwardness presses down on you. “Sorry. She’ll be back soon. Why don’t you wait here?” You pat the empty spot next to you.

“No. It’s okay. I’ll come back…some other time.”

“No. You should stay. I know I’ve been taking up all of her time.” You look down. “I’m sorry. But you should wait, she’ll be happy to see you and you should spend some time together.” Reagan frowns and walks slowly over before sitting down.

“Spend some time together? How? I mean, no offense but you’re no exactly going anywhere.”

“I can-I can go talk to Farrah or watch TV or something. I mean, I’ll need someone to help me down the stairs-wait. No, I think I can do it.” You nod once, defiantly. You know you have it in you to make it down the stairs alone. It’s a personal challenge, one Amy hasn’t let you tackle yet. “Yeah, no. When Amy gets here, I’ll go downstairs and you guys can talk. Didn’t you know I was here?”

“No, Amy—”

“You’re not walking down those stairs on your own. I told you this morning and I’ll tell you again,” Amy says, throwing open the door and pausing when she spots Reagan. “Hey Rea.”

“Hey, how’s it going? It’s been a while.”

“I know. I’m sorry about that but Karms needed me.” Amy throws her bag on the floor beside where you lay and you watch her walk around the room. She runs her hands through her hair and sighs. “I’m sorry.” She shrugs and Reagan sighs.

“It’s okay. I understand, I’m not mad…I just-why don’t you talk to me anymore? You never call, hardly ever reply to my messages.”

“Er, guys. I think-I think I should go.”

“You’re not going downstairs alone, idiot.”

“I wasn’t going to. I need a shower. I can do that alone.” Amy rolls her eyes.

“Right but you know the rules.”

“Yup. No locked door and keep the casts covered. Got it. It was nice seeing you, Reagan. I’m sorry I take so much of your girlfriend’s time up.” You shrug. “I’ll try keep out of the way more.” You turn and head to the door, hobbling on your one crutch and clutching your arm to your chest. It’s tiring and you know Amy’s dying to help but she knows not to. You can do this. You’re not as weak as people think.

“That’s okay. Hey, Karma.” You stop and turn to face Reagan. “I’m-I’m real glad you’re okay.” You smile.

“Me too. Now go make up and eat some donuts.” Amy stares at you and you roll your eyes. “I’ll call if I need you,” you groan out and she smiles, her face softening as she looks at you.

“You better. I’ll be here if you need anything, okay, shorty?”

“I’m not short,” you shout back, shutting the door and giving them privacy.

You hate it, hate that you have to share your soulmate but Amy’s not yours and you need to remember that, you have to.

*

“Stupid fucking towel,” you say, trying to stretch and reach it but you can’t. It slipped at some point as you were taking a shower and you can’t bend down to reach it…but that doesn’t stop you from trying.

You hear Amy and Reagan talk-shouting and try to tune them out. You shouldn’t listen in. Amy will talk to you if she needs your help.

You catch sight of the blue towel and narrow your eyes, focusing on reaching it as you stretch your arm out.

It’s when you hear a loud bang and feel the pain running down your side and broken arm that you realise you’re such an idiot sometimes.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” You hold back the tears as your arm starts to burn. What if you’ve done more damage? What if it takes you even longer to get better? The tears start to fall and you swallow every self-deprecating word that’s dying to leave your lips.

Amy will be pissed.

What’re you going to do? You can’t call Amy, she’s with Reagan and they really need to talk. They need to make up and be together so your heartache is worth something. And besides, you know Reagan is better.

You roll over as best you can and clutch your broken arm to your chest. Your ribs burn a little where you know there’s a large bruise and your skin stings where cuts have opened up. You grit your teeth and try to calm your mind and think of what to do. “

There’s no need to panic, you’ll be fine,” you whisper to yourself, focusing on your breathing and meditating through your mantra.

“Hey, are you okay?” you hear Lauren of all people shout through the door leading to her room. Her locked door. Fuck.

You know Amy’s going to find out but you hope you can find a way to put that off for now. Maybe Lauren, sneaky, sneaky Lauren will have a way to open her lock and help you up before Amy knows something’s wrong.

You know their arguing stopped either of them from hearing you fall and you’re grateful for that. Amy doesn’t need to worry about you right now and you really don’t want to be pulled into that mess at the moment.

“She’s hurt, of course I’m gonna focus on her.”

“But I’m your girlfriend. I just want to know you’re alive, sometimes.”

You shake your head. They really do not need an interruption.

You drag yourself to Lauren’s door and lean against it, out of breathe from each painful pull of your body that you forced yourself to endure.

Amy’s right, you really are too stubborn and stupid for your own good. Yet another reason why you aren’t right for Amy, perfect, perfect Amy.

You take a deep breath and rest your forehead against Lauren’s door.

“Hey,” you semi-whisper and hope Lauren hears.

“Karma?”

“Yeah, be quiet, Amy might hear.”

“And that’s bad why?”

“Reagan.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. So—” You wince and try to hold your ribs. “So, I need your help. Can you open your door?”

“Why can’t I just walk through Amy’s?”

“I don’t want her to know.”

“That’s stupid. She’ll find out.”

“Yeah, but not yet.”

“Urgh, you two are so stupid sometimes.” You chuckle and hiss as it hurts.

“I know but please, can you get in here? I fell.”

“You fell?”

“Shh. Keep it down.”

“Karma, you’re already hurt and you’ve fallen. You could have done some serious damage so excuse me if I think you should tell my sis-Amy about it.”

“I’m fine. A little sore but I’ll live.” She screams and you hear some commotion coming from her room.

“Stupid people. I’m surrounded by stupid people who do stupid things and think they’re protecting stupid people. Urgh. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” The door clicks open at the end of her little speech and you exhale. “Karma. Fuck. I thought you said you were fine.”

“I am,” you say, looking up at Lauren’s profile. She’s standing with her arms on her hips and you almost smile at her power stance. It’s the glare she’s giving you that stops you.

“Yeah, you look it. There’s blood everywhere and I can see you’ve hurt your ribs.” You move your hand away and try to act nonchalant by shrugging. She rolls her eyes.

“I’m fine. Just-just pass me a towel and help me up.”

“This is so stupid.” She walks over and picks up the evil towel that started all this mess before heading over and throwing it on you. “I’m telling Farrah, you need to be checked over.”

“Careful, I’m beginning to think you care.” She scoffs.

“Excuse me? You take up enough of my family’s time already so excuse me if I want you better so we can have our lives back.”

“I…I-I’m sorry.” You bite your bottom lip as you think of all the trouble you’ve caused lately: breaking people’s hearts, fighting, breaking your leg and arm, taking Amy away from Reagan. Lauren’s right, you do take up too many peoples time. They shouldn’t waste it on you but they do and you need to start being more careful, more considerate. You can’t keep getting in their way, it’s not fair.

Lauren sighs.

“Look, one day you’re gonna be my sister in law or something, so yes, maybe I do want you alive and well. Amy’s hard enough and moody enough to deal with already.”

“Sister in law?” She rolls her eyes.

“Neither of you are fooling anyone but right now, let’s not go there. C’mon, I’ll help you up. Where’re your clothes?”

“Just there.”

“Okay, clean up a little. I’ll take your clothes into my room and then we’ll move you.”

“Sir, yes, Sir.” She squints.

“Don’t push me. I’m helping, aren’t I? Maybe I should go tell Amy what’s going on.” You roll your eyes.

“Fine. Let’s go.”

“That’s what I thought.”

*

“Ready?”

“Yep.” You take a deep breath.

“One, two, three.” You both grunt a little as you get yourself off the floor.

“Hey, Karms, you okay?” Amy shouts. You grit your teeth at her impeccable timing.

“Great,” you whisper. Lauren squints her eyes but keeps an arm around you, holding you up. “Yeah, I’m fine, just…showering.” You hear her lightly chuckle.

“I know, idiot, you told me. It’s been a while though. You need any help?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Mhmm, then why do you sound…weird, out of breath?”

“Weird? I don’t. I’m-I’m fine. Just give me a minute.”

“Oh…Oh,” she says, something dawning on her but you have no idea what she’s thinking. “I’ll er, I’ll give you a few minutes alone, okay. I’ll be back in my room in ten if you need me, okay?”

“Okay,” you shout back, frowning. What does she think you’re doing? Lauren smirks at you.

“She thinks you’re masturbating.”

“Oh…Oh.” Your eyes widen.

“C’mon, we’ve got ten minutes to get you fixed up.”

“Right. Hey, Lauren.” She raises an eyebrow at you as she keeps an arm around your waist and helps you walk. “Thanks. I mean, thank you for…this.”

“Don’t get used to it, Sunshine, get moving.”

“Right.”

*

“Karma,” Amy shouts, sounding panicked.

“In here,” you groan out. She’ll be pissed. You should’ve told you when she asked if you were okay but you wanted to get cleaned up, remove some of the blood so she wouldn’t be as pissed off with you.

She appears in Lauren’s door, out of breath and eyes wide.

“What happened?”

“Your idiot lover-to-be fell down,” Lauren says, waltzing into the room.

“Why didn’t she say anything?”

“Little Miss Second-Best was here.”

“Don’t call her that,” you say, surprising everyone. “I mean, that’s-it’s not…fair.” You shrug.

“You know what’s not fair? Me getting dragged into your mess time and time again.” She throws the bandages she went to find on the bed where you are lying, fully dressed and on top of a less bloody towel, before turning around and walking out of the room. “When I get back, you both better be out of here.” You wince. How could you upset her so quickly again? This is why you need to get better and out of here. You’re just causing trouble…like always.

Amy sits down next to you.

“Hey, Shorty. Why didn’t you tell me you were hurt?” You shrug.

“Sorry, Princess. I just…didn’t want to worry you. I’m fine, really. You needed to talk to Reagan.”

“Yeah but you’re more important and you’re hurt.”

“I’m okay but we should get out of here, right?”

“Right. Let’s go through the bathroom, it’ll be quicker.”

And so you do as she says and that’s when you understand why Amy looked so panicked. There is an awful lot of bloody for a few cuts.

“Sorry about the mess.”

“It’s okay as long as you’re okay. I’ll clean it up in a minute.” You look down.

“Sorry, I can try to help.”

“No, stupid. I want you in my bed and resting up. Did you hurt anything?”

“My arm. I mean, I landed on it and my ribs are a bit sore but I don’t know-I think I’m okay.” You breathe deeply as you sit on the end of her bed and look up at her. She’s frowning and the vein in her forehead has appeared again, the one that appears when she’s emotional…angry.

“Yeah, well, you thinking you’re okay isn’t the most reassuring thing I’ve heard. I’ll talk to Mom and we’ll have to go to the hospital to get you checked out.” And that’s it, isn’t it? Yet again you’re making things worse.

You cry. You’ve cried a lot lately but you can’t remember the last time you did it in front of Amy. You’re being weak, breaking down and just…ruining everything. You try to lay down on your side and cocoon yourself but you can’t quite do it. Another failure and God, God you’re so tired and just…everything is wrong.

“Hey, hey, hey. Karms.” Amy reaches for you but you try to pull away. “Karma, please.” And she sounds so sad. “It’s okay.” She wraps you in her arms and spoons you from behind. “Shh, it’s all okay.” She runs a hand through your hair.

“But it’s not. I’m ruining everything. I couldn’t even give you and Reagan five minutes without getting into trouble.”

“It’s okay, my love. It’s okay. You’re here…with me. That’s all I want and Karms, since we were kids you’ve always been a klutz. Remember that time we were ice skating and you fell and pulled that random guy down with you.” You laugh a little at the memory. “And then everyone else kept falling down trying to avoid you both. You looked like a baby deer out there. So cute but so clumsy.” She reaches over and tweaks your nose. You blush and bury your head into her cover.

“Shut up.” She laughs.

“It’s okay,” Amy says, resting her chin on your shoulder. “I just-you should tell me when you need me. It doesn’t matter who I’m with or where I am, if you need me, I’ll be there, okay?” She wraps her arms around your waist.

“Okay. I’m sorry, though. You really should spend some more time with your girlfriend.” She sighs.

“First, I’d have to have a girlfriend.” You freeze.

“What?”

“I think-I think me and Reagan are over.”

“Why?”

“Because I chose you.” You turn and move a little way back.

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because?”

“I love you more.”

“Amy.” You sigh.

“No. You don’t get to tell me how I feel, not anymore. I choose you and no, it’s not your fault and it’s not hers. It’s mine.”

“Yeah, but—”

“No.” She reaches for you.

“I-I think you should think on it. I mean, you’re emotional right now. Just give it some time and then-we’ll-we’ll see how you feel in the morning. Just sleep on it, okay?”

“Okay but-I mean-Karms?”

“Hmm?”

“Why don’t you want me?” She looks down. You hate it when she does that. You know it means she’s crying. You scoot as close as you can and wrap her in your arms. She buries her head in your neck and begins to sob. You rub her back. “Why don’t you want me? Why-why did you deny it so-so much when Caitlyn was questioning you? Why am I not…why am I not good enough?

“Hey, hey. Look at me.” You stoke her cheek. “You are good enough, too good. I-I want you, I do-I just…I want you to be happy even more than that. Right? I don’t want you to make a mistake.”

“But—”

“No. Just give it til the morning and if you still feel the same, we’ll talk but if you want—” You take a deep breath and swallow. “But if you want to find Reagan, to make things right with her, that’s okay, alright?” She nods her head before resting her forehead against yours. “Good, now give me a hug, idiot. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

“Good.” You lean in and give her a quick kiss on the mouth. It’s short but enough to send shocks through your system. “Now, no more sad face, you’re perfect.”

She smiles softly at you and somethings shifts. The words that have been lodged in your throat for so long melt and pool in your stomach as you watch her. You touch her cheek and smile.

“Aims?”

“Yes?”

“Can we watch Twilight?” She groans. You pout.

“Fine but first we’ll see what Mom says.”

“Hmm?” Amy rolls her eyes.

“You need to go see a doctor, idiot.”

“Oh, right. Right.”

“My silly girl,” she says, smirking before wrapping you in her arms again. “Can we watch house hunters after?”

“Of course. Hot chocolate, too.”

“Perfect.”

“Yes, you are.”


	13. Superstar

**Chapter 13: Superstar – Usher**

_‘Spotlights, big stage, fifty thousand fans screamin' in a rage._

_Bodyguards and limousines, this is the way I see you in my dreams._

_Paparazzi flash, hundred pictures all of you hangin' on my bedroom wall._

_I'm a kid again, I feel like thirteen. What I mean, since we fell in love, girl I'll be..._

_I'll be your groupie, baby, 'cause you are my superstar._

_I'm your number one fan, give me your autograph, sign it right here on my heart._

_Girl, I'll be your groupie, baby, 'cause you are my superstar._

_And as your number one fan, I'll do all that I can to show you how super you are.’_

You wake up and feel someone watching you.

“Wake up, sleepyhead. I made your favourite.” You smile as you hear Amy’s husky morning voice whisper in your ear. You stretch out as much as you can and sigh in contentment.

“Hi.”

“Hi…How’re you feeling? Sore? I’ve got your medication here but you need to eat something, first.” You roll your eyes.

“I know, Aims.” You notice the plate in her hands and grin. Pancakes, your favourite.  “Yum.”

“Here.” She cuts the pancakes up, puts some on a fork and reaches over to feed you. You don’t hesitate to take a bite and moan.

“Mmm, so good.”

“Aren’t I always?” She winks at you. You feel a blush rising and will it to go away. She giggles at you. Today feels different, lighter, easier than you remember living being for a while. You sigh as she lifts the fork again and take another delicious bite, maple syrup landing sweetly on your tongue.

“You should make these for me, every day.”

“Maybe I will.” You roll your eyes.

“Mhmm.”

“Hey, Karms?” You hum in response, digging back into your breakfast and wondering why Amy hasn’t stolen any yet. “You know…You know—” You stop eating and look at her. You know when she starts stuttering and mumbling that it’s serious. “You know I haven’t changed my mind about last night, about us, right?” You swallow and put the plate down, giving her all of your attention.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she says, playing with her hands and looking down. You lift her chin up and look at her, eye to eye.

“But are you a hundred percent sure? I just, I don’t want you to make a mistake, to be unhappy.” She frowns and grabs one of your hands, holding it between hers.

“How could this be a mistake? You’re who I want.”

“But are you sure?” You swallow down. “How do you know?”

“Do you want me?”

“Of course I do.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I just-I just do.”

“And so do I.”

“But it’s different for me—”

“How?” You sigh and look down.

“I’m single, I don’t have this amazing girl who I could be with…you’re the best, most amazing person in my life and I love you more than anything and anyone.”

“And you are—”

“No. Reagan is better than me.” Amy sighs and squeezes your hand to get your attention. “She is. She’s more thoughtful, more patient, more beautiful. Why me, Amy? Why me?” you plead with her.

“Because.”

“Because?” you say, after Amy’s silence.

“Reagan is-Reagan is beautiful, kind, sweet, loving…she’s perfect really.” You swallow the ever growing lump in your throat and repeatedly tell yourself not to cry. “She’s-She’s amazing but she’s just not you. That’s how I know, Karma. I know because I had this perfect girl and she still wasn’t enough.  All I want is to be enough, to be your Princess, your fairy tale ending, that’s all I want. Don’t you?” You shake your head and wipe away the tears that have started to fall.

“No.” Amy frowns and looks away, a steady stream of tears running down her face. “No, I don’t want a fairy tale, not anymore. I want real. I want arguments and fights and make ups so that we know we’re both so passionate about each other.

“I want you to give me the last of your food and be grumpy because food is your second love but I’m your first. And when you pout so much that I can’t take it, I’ll give you it back.

“I want to wake you up at 4am because I just need to see your eyes and hear your voice, even though you’re grumpy and hard to wake up.

“I don’t want fairy tales anymore, Aims. I just want us.”

She’s crying, you’re crying but you don’t care because you’re both smiling and looking at each other like the love sick teenagers you are. For once, you could find the right words, for once, she knows exactly how you feel.

“You…you mean it?”

“Every word.” She jumps on the bed, your hand still wrapped in hers. She brings it to her cheek at you watch as your fingers caress her skin. She runs her thumb over the back of your palm and you sigh in relief.

For once, you’ve both said all you need too instead of keeping everything buried inside. For once the gulf between you is bridged by an ocean of words that you can swim in.

“But I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“I need you to talk to Reagan. She-She doesn’t deserve it ending like this. It’s not fair.” You look down for a minute before looking in her eyes again. “We messed up, not her.”

“I-I know. I just-I don’t know what to say, how to make it right.”

“Maybe you can’t, Aims but you need to give her something.”

“I know.” She sighs and looks down.

You grab her face with both hands and force her to look at you. You smile and wipe away a few stray tears before leaning in.

“It’s okay. Just talk to her and then come home to me,” you whisper against her lips before pulling back. She pouts.

“No fair, shorty.” You narrow your eyes at her as she grabs your arms and starts to lean over.

“You’re mean.” You stick your lower lip out and look at her from under your eye lashes. She smirks and it turns into a smile. She leans closer…and closer until finally her forehead rests against yours.

“Can I kiss you and make it better?” she whispers.

You nod your head.

And so she does.

She leans in and presses her soft, soft lips to yours. Warmth spreads through you and you cradle her face before one hand dips down to her neck, thumb stroking Amy’s jaw and the other one tangles itself in her blonde hair. You moan and you know you’ve never been kissed like this before. Never has it been so soft, so gentle and so hard and passionate. You could never explain how it feels to anyone else.

Amy wraps her arms around your waist, sitting at your side, trying to avoid hurting your leg.

Goosebumps run along your skin and you shiver. She pulls back, resting her forehead on yours once again as you both take a breath, chests heaving. She laughs gently and you join her.

“Woah,” you say.

“I know. That was-wow.” You smirk, she blushes. “Again?” You nod your head and lean in, meeting her half way this time as you get lost in each other.

“Amy-Oh God, that’s disgusting, get a room,” Lauren says, barging into the room and quickly covering her eyes. You catch a glimpse of that as you pull back from Amy, blushing with a giggle lodged in your throat.

“We had one until you walked in,” Amy grumbles.

“Well how was I supposed to know you two idiots finally stopped lying to yourselves?” Amy rolls her eyes and the giggle you were suppressing escapes. Lauren narrows her eyes at you, Amy just turns around and smiles, throwing a wink your way before facing the dragon lady again.

“Anyway, what do you want?”

“I’m giving you a ride to school, remember? Some of us don’t want to be late.”

“I’m not going in today.”

“What?” you and Lauren say, simultaneously. Amy looks between you both a couple of times, frown in place.

“I’m staying with Karma today, in case she needs me.” Lauren rolls her eyes before huffing and slamming the door behind her.

“Idiots.”

“Why aren’t you going in?” She turns to face you, reaching for your arm that’s lying on the bed and playing with your fingers. She shrugs.

“I just-I want to be with you.”

“I know but you’ve missed so much already.”

“One more day won’t hurt. And I-I thought I could…maybe I could talk to Reagan and get that out of the way and then I could-I could come home…to you and you can…make it better?” She blushes as she mumbles out the last of her words and you smile at her, your heart melting.

“I’ll always be here and it might not be so bad.”

“But it will. I’ll have to tell her the truth and it-it will hurt her and I don’t want to do that. And I just want to be with you. Today, I just want you. Is that-is that okay?” You carry on smiling at her, entwining your fingers with hers.

“Sounds perfect. How does movies and chocolate sound?”

“Perfect. Almost as perfect as you,” she says, leaning over and kissing you quickly on the lips. “But first I have to go see Reagan, right?”

“Right.” You watch her pace the room, trying to find her phone and jacket. She mumbles to herself.

 You don’t want her to leave, you don’t want to let her do something that will hurt her but you know Amy needs to this, not just for Reagan. She needs to get closure, end things for good so you can start afresh, no pressure, no secrets, nothing but the two of you and the connection you share.

You keep telling yourself this as you will your hands not to shake, as you try to stop yourself from begging her to stay.

What if Reagan takes her from you? What if Amy sees what she’s missing if she stays with you?

You watch her as she walks around the room before looking up to the stars you helped her put on her ceiling when you were just kids. You smile. Maybe you are enough for her, maybe you’re the brightest star in Amy’s galaxy, even though there are stars like Reagan and Danny than are shining bright.

You look back at Amy as she holds up her jacket, showing you her side profile. You admire the curve of her spine, the shade of her skin, the smell of her. She’s perfect and she’s choosing you. You wish your leg wasn’t broken so you could jump up and dance and sing and just go crazy with all this energy you have inside of you.  

“I won’t be long, okay, Karms?” she says, facing you and tucking her phone into her pocket. “Call me if you need anything and don’t have a shower alone,” she says, pointing her finger at you. You smirk and wink.

“Sure I won’t, hot stuff.” She blushes.

“That’s not what I meant.” You laugh.

“Gimme kiss goodbye.” She walks over, standing in front of you and kissing you once more. Your skin tingles, like it feels too big and too small but in a good way. You never want to stop kissing her, never want her to leave you. She kisses you again…and again before pulling back with a sigh.

“I don’t want to go.”

“I know but you have to, love.” She smiles, her eyes lighten and she squeezes you tight.

“I’ll be back soon,” she says, giving you another quick kiss before she leaves the room. You sigh and lay back down.

She’s perfect.

*

“Hey, Karma,” Caitlyn says through the phone. You wonder why she’s calling and you’re still slightly annoyed about what happened back in your hospital room but you try to forget it, especially today when you’re so happy.

“Hey.”

“How’re you, Sweetums?”

“Good. You?”

“I’m great. Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing.” She sighs.

“Karma, what’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“There clearly is.”

“I just-what was with that little stunt at the hospital?” She sighs again.

“I’m sorry about that, Sweetie Pie. I just wanted to see how Amy felt. Y’know, make sure she deserved you and all that.”

“And how did you saying we’re in a relationship do that?”

“Because it’s clear she cares, she wants you. You were the only one saying you weren’t in a relationship. Amy never did. You know why? Because she wants to be.”

“But that wasn’t fair.”

“Maybe it wasn’t but life’s not fair.”

“Caitlyn—”

“Look, I’m sorry for upsetting you but I had my reasons. I was just looking out for you.”

“I know and I appreciate that but you can’t just…attack people like that. And it-it hurt telling you over and over again how we weren’t together.”

“Aw, Sugar Muffin. I didn’t mean it too, I promise. I’m just a big idiot who cares too much and does stupid things but I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

“I know. I know you didn’t but Cait, no more ambushing, right?”

“Right.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. Now K-dog, tell me whatcha doing?”

“Laying in Amy’s bed and talking to you.”

“That’s boring.” You laugh.

“What’re you doing?”

“Waiting for Ol to get out of school for lunch.” You smile.

“How is he?”

“He’s good. We could come round later or something?”

“Yeah, that sounds—” Amy’s door swings open and you spot your soul mate walking in, tears in her eyes and sobbing. “I need to go, Cait. We’ll talk later.”

“Everything okay, Karma? Want us to come over?”

“I need to go. I’ll text you. Bye.” You don’t give her a change to respond before you end the call.

You throw the covers off of you, swing your legs over the edge of the bed and begin to stand. Amy walks over, stopping you before she drops to her knees and wraps her arms around your waist, sobbing into your stomach. You run your fingers through her hair and rest your head on top of hers.

“I’m sorry, Karma. I’m so, so sorry.” You frown and pull her closer, squeezing your eyes tight to keep the tears in.

There’s only one reason she should be sorry.

You feel the emotional pain become physical as your leg and your arm begin to throb and you force the tears down even harder. Amy needs you to be strong right now and you will do that, for her you will.

“It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay, I promise. We’re soul mates, we can get through anything,” you whisper, your voice breaking on the last word.

This is it. She’s chosen Reagan over you but you meant what you said, you can get over it, for her you can. You’ll never leave her, even if your heart will be broken for the rest of your life, you’ll never leave her. That’s what you tell her, over and over again as she sobs into your shirt and you rock her back and forth, trying to comfort her.

“I-I’m—”

“Hey, no more. You don’t need to be sorry.” Again you find yourself cradling her face in your hands and forcing her to look at you. You wipe away the tears and brush some of her hair behind her ears. “You don’t need to be sorry, Amy. But please, just talk to me.” You want to know what’s wrong, how can you fix this for her.

Maybe you should leave, give her and Reagan some space.

“I didn’t mean to hurt everyone. I didn’t. I just wanted to try and get over-get over you but I didn’t know I was hurting so many people. I promise I didn’t.”

“Hey, hey. It’s okay, it’s okay. None of this is your fault. It’s on me, okay?” Your heart breaks even more. Look at what you’ve done to the love of your life, look how much pain you’ve caused.

“No. No. I shouldn’t have been with Reagan, not when I wasn’t over you. That was…God that was so selfish of me.”

“No—”

“It was, Karma,” she shouts. “Not everything is your fault, even if-even if I say it was. It just wasn’t.” She pulls away and sits beside you. “I didn’t mean to break anyone’s heart.”

“I know you didn’t.” You reach for her hand and hold it. “We all make mistakes but there’s nothing we can do to change anything now but I promise.” You pull her hand up and kiss the back of it. “I promise, no matter what happens, I’ll always be here. I’ll always be your best friend, Amy. Forever.” She turns to smile at you.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” You swallow down the tears, the heartbreak and close your eyes for a few seconds. “And if-if you want me to leave so that you and Reagan can—”

“Reagan?”

“Yeah, your girlfriend.” She frowns and stands up, pacing the room.

“Reagan isn’t my girlfriend. I thought you were.” You gasp and look at her, tilting your head.

“I thought-I thought that was why you were sorry.”

“No. No, no, no, no, no. I was sorry for hurting you like I did, for keeping things from you and not ending things with Reagan sooner,” she says, falling to her knees in front of you. You sigh in relief, every muscle in you relaxing.

“Okay.”

“So we’re, we’re still okay? You’re still my girlfriend?” Her hands are on your knees and her eyes look so big, so open and honest as she begs you with her voice.

You take a few seconds to think, to push away the pain and sadness, the overwhelming happiness. Every conflicting, confusing emotion gets pushed away for just a few seconds so you can think, so you can breathe.

“Amy Raudenfeld,” you say in a stern voice. “I do not recall you ever asking me to be your girlfriend.” You wink and she smiles, wiping away some tears with her wrist and sniffling.

“Well, Karma Cutie-Pie Ashford.” She clears her throat and composes herself. “Will you please, please, please be my girlfriend?” She brings her hands together in a prayer position and looks you in the eyes.

You smile.

“Of course I will, idiot.”

She jumps up, wrapping you in her arms and kissing you. You taste the saltiness of her tears, the heartbreak and happiness inside of her and don’t let go, not until oxygen is needed and you both begin to calm down.

“So…”

“So?”

“Donut?” You quirk an eyebrow and nudge your head towards the box of donuts sitting on the side that you asked Farrah to get when she came in to check on you, earlier.

Amy smiles wider than you’ve ever seen her do before and wraps you in a hug, kissing your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, your chin, your mouth.

“Perfect.”

“That I am, Raudenfeld.” She kisses you again before digging in to her favourite donuts.


	14. Sweetest Love

**Epilogue: Sweetest Love – Robin Thicke**

_‘Why do people smile when no ones smiling?_

_It's 'cause their thinking of someone they're loving._

_Keep on believing we are meant to be, and_

_nothing's stopping you and me from going to heaven._

_Sweetest love._

_I got the sweetest love. There ain't nothing sweeter._

_I got the sweetest love, ain't nothing beat it,_

_there ain't nothing sweeter.’_

“I don’t want to wear this dress…or any other dress,” you hear your soulmate moan.

You turn around and see Amy and her mini-me, Spencer standing there, both with their arms crossed and signature pouts in place.

You admire the sundresses they’re both wearing with slightly different designs and smile. They look so cute, so beautiful and you feel so full, so happy. The past twelve years have been the best of your life. There’s been arguments, tears, heartache but you’re still here, you’re still together.

Your little family of three.

“Well, if you’d have both gone shopping with me then you could have picked what to wear but you didn’t.” The both moan and your heart melts a little. They’re so alike, even though you didn’t adopt Spencer until she was two and she’s only six now.

“I love you, Karms but there’s nothing worse than shopping with you. For food or for clothes.”

“Yup,” Spence says, nodding her head decisively once. You try to hold back the smile that’s threatening to escape and cross your arms, forcing yourself to look stern.

“Well, stop complaining then. And stop tugging at your dresses.” Amy rolls her eyes and Spencer pouts even more.

You remember the first time you saw Amy with her. Despite the brown eyes, the black curly hair, the skin that’s a few shades darker than you both, Spencer still looked-still looks just like Amy to you. Their open, honest eyes, their temperaments, everything about them just seems to echo one another and you fell in love, instantly.

You saw all that Spencer was as she curled herself around Amy and tucked her head under Amy’s chin, your favourite place to be. You saw Amy’s child, your child and you knew, you knew you’d found your baby that you didn’t even know you were missing.

It’d taken you and Amy a long time to agree, to be ready for children. You remember the first argument and how Amy refused to even talk about kids. You remember storming out, knowing Amy was far too tired from working her shift at the hospital and finding yourself on Reagan’s sofa. Sweet, sweet Reagan who tore Amy a new one the next morning and who’s stuck by you both, despite all that happened when you were kids.

“C’mon, we’ll be late. Hurry up,” you say, holding the door open for them to walk through. They both begin to comply, frowns in place. Spencer runs to the car and Amy drags her feet. You grab her arm just as she passes the door. She turns around. “You look beautiful, princess.” You kiss her and feel her relax into you. You both pull back a second, foreheads resting against each other.

“So do you. God, you look stunning.” She kisses you again before pulling back and admiring the snug little blue number you put on just for her.

“Thank you,” you say, blushing a little as her eyes look you up and down and turn a few shades darker than usual.

“C’mon, we’ll be late. Hurry, Mommy’s.” You laugh and Amy rolls her eyes.

“She takes after you,” Amy says and you take a deep breath, soaking in the happiness of your two girls. You entwine your fingers with Amy’s, tugging her towards the car.

Amy’s driving, you’re in the passenger’s seat, admiring the house, the home you built together as you pull away.

“What does ‘gagement mean, Mama?”

“Engagement, Sweetie. Aunty Cait and Uncle Ol are gonna get married,” Amy says. You just sit in silence and watch them. You catch sight of Spencer’s frown as you turn around and smile.

“Why they doing that?”

“Because that’s what people do when they love each other.”

“How come you and Mommy aren’t married?”

“One day, baby, we will be,” you say, touching Amy’s arm, lightly and rubbing it with your thumb. She hums in response and carries on driving. You turn around and smile at Spencer. “I promise, one day we will be.”

“Will Aunt Reagan and Meghan be there?”

“Yeah,” Amy says. Spencer cheers in response.

“Can I play outside with them?”

“Yes.”

“No,” you say at the same time as Amy. “You’ll get your dress dirty.”

“Karms, she’s a little girl.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Please, Mommy?” You catch sight of her once again and you know it’s a mistake. Those big brown eyes, the lower lip that pokes out, the sad little look on her face breaks you and all three of you know that’s she’s winning this fight.

“Fine.” You sigh. “But please, please at least try not to get too dirty, okay?”

“Okay. Mommy?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. And I love you,” you say, turning to face Amy. You lean over and peck Amy on the cheek.

“And I love my girls now come on, you big softies, let’s get in the party mood for Aunt Cait and Uncle Ol.”

“Yeah,” Spencer cheers and you chuckle softly under your breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And so it’s over. This is the longest thing I’ve ever finished! Wahoo! Thanks for sticking with me, guys. I might make some edits/correct some mistakes in the next week or so but otherwise, this is finished with…unless I write a one shot or something in the world of this AU.  
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter, that you’ve enjoyed the story and I haven’t let you down. I’m not usually a prose writer so this was a challenge to write and complete. I just hope I did it justice for all of you.  
> HUGE thanks to everyone that’s commented and favourited and things. I really appreciate all of you!   
> It was a fun ride and thanks for sticking with me!  
> \- A


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